Favorite Friday: Perfect Creature

Favorite Friday #2

I've thought long and hard about which fantastic feature film I should promote on this, the second Favorite Friday and have come to the decision that it shall be:

 

Perfect Creature (2006)

As some may have noticed, I have an obsession with Vampires. So when my boyfriend (calling him a zombie enthusiast is like calling Hitler anti-social) introduced me to this film when we first started dating (the poor soul not realizing how obsessed I was with vampires at this point) I fell inrepreably in love.

There's steampunk, there's bloodshed, there's love, there's monsters; this movie's got everything

The film takes place in a steampunkish city where human beings coexist with a superior, peaceful race that feeds on human blood called "Brothers." The film plot follows a female police officer and a male Brother investigating murders linked to a rogue Brother vampire.

Why I like this film:

1) Setting

2) Lack of Special Effects

3) Different Angle

First things first: I really like steampunk. I just do. It's silly but ever since the film debaucle Wild Wild West (1999) with Will Smith and Kevin Kline using awesome future/past weapons to kill Dr. Lovelace I have loved steampunk. Using futuristic technology in congress with a Victorian-esque time setting is just utter poetry, especially in this film. I want a giant projectile hurling weapon that looks like a battleship cannon but runs on steam.  I just do. I like bulky looking hand-guns that shoot shiny bullets full of poison. I can't help it.

Brother Silas played by Dougary Scott

Secondly, I thoroughly enjoy the lack of special effects in this film. The fascinating thing is there was a ton of times where somone could have spent a million dollars to create some huge special effect to make the scene more than what it needs to be. Leaving out a ton of CGI is especially difficult in steampunk films because the temptation to use CGI to create steam powered versions of modern machines is great. This is also important because instead of the CGI vampire (like in Van Helsing, another steampunk wannabe) or make-up effects vampire (From Dust til Dawn) we have actors in simple make-up. The balance is poignant and refreshing.

Detective Lilly Squires played by Saffron Burrows

Lastly I love that this film isn't completely centered around the vampires as superior beings with the humans being all weak and helpess. Both halves of the relationship have great strengths and weaknesses. Brother Edgar (played by Dougary Scott of Mission Impossible II fame) is the stronger of the investigative duo, but his weaknesses concerning understanding unpredictable emotions contrast sharply with the physically weaker but infinately (and obviously) more human detective Lily Squires (Saffron Burrows of Troy fame).
The duality gives the film grace and makes it wholy different than many other vampire films that I've seen.

Perfect Creature is an utterly satisfying film that provides the vampire lover with something besides Twilight and Interview with the Vampire to enjoy.

Give it a shot; it makes a great date movie!

Tactical Tuesday: Pistols

It's Tactical Tuesday!
Today's subject is pistols, most specifically the Glock series.

Glock 19

Why Glock? Well here's my reasoning: because it's not a piece of crap. Because they're affordable but not cheaply made; easy to hold, shoot and keep clean. The ammunition is easy to find, as are the cleaning kits and spare parts since pretty much every gun shop in America has some in stock due to their prevalence in the home defense market. Plus, they're scary looking--which doesn't really matter to a zombie, but they do scare the equally dangerous living ghoul (that guy trying to steal your cache of bottled water for example).

Now there has been some dispute concerning which caliber, the 9mm or .45 ACP and thus which model of Glock (the 19 or the 21 respectively) would be best. But first let me explain my thought process.

I prefer carrying things in my pockets because when my hands hang down and I happen to have pockets or a coat with pockets, it's easier for me to extract whatever it is I need to extract: in this instance a firearm.

This is easier with a gun that fits the description gun manufacturer uses as "compact" without going as far as "subcompact" which is even smaller.

Glock 21

That leads me to the choice between Glock 19 or Glock 21 (left) both of which are compact versions of the Glock 17 and Glock 20 respectively. The Glock 19 chambers the 9mm round and the Glock 21 the .45 ACP. Both calibers have their pros and cons.

The 9mm is definitely suitable for someone with little to no gun experience because you can fire them all day without really getting tired from the recoil. It also provides a smaller muzzle fire because of its lower powder charge (smaller bullet, smaller amount of power) and thus would be quieter (lessening the chances of ghouls hearing you). These bullets also hurt a great deal when shot into a living target because of their prodigious ability to penetrate.

Conversely, the .45 ACP being a larger munition is largely capable of making an undead cranium go bye bye, it also has immense stopping power where living targets are concerned. These cartridges also tend to be quite loud (ghouls have mysteriously good hearing) and the recoil from them may require a decent amount of practice before accuracy can be expected.

.45 ACP is on the left, 9mm on the right

So which to chose?

Well if you bent my arm behind my back I would probably chose the Glock 19 if only because I'm lazy and a cheap-o and don't want to spend 30 cents on each .45 bullet when I can spend .22 cents on each 9 mm bullet. That and realistically the 9mm is easier to find and more plentiful and is more easily procured (some states restrict how many bullets of .45 you can purchase at a time) and is a more practical gun. However, practicality aside I would prefer the stopping power of the .45 in my hand if in a pinch, if only because apparently it causes a pretty astounding ballistics pattern upon impact. (wink)

Happy Surviving!

Favorite Friday #1: American Psycho

I'm here today to start the fabulous tradition of
FAVORITE FRIDAYS
It's a section of my blog where I will include and suggest fabulous films that have managed to find their way into my collection.
Today's selection:
American Psycho: Uncut Edition

A certain Bret Easton Ellis enthusiast suggested this film to me about three years ago. Christian Bale (his recent Batman fame aside) is an actor in my personal high regard, ever since I first saw him in the film adaptation of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream (1999). I was of course twelve years old when American Psycho was released a year later and thus I wouldn't have been allowed to see it (rolls eyes) until more recently.

I've added this film to my list of favorites because of a few reasons:

1) It's creepy

2) It makes you think

3) Its creepy

When I first started watching the film for the first time I was sceptical, since my only real experience of Christian Bale was him in Newsies and the aforementioned Shakespeare. But it was after this film that I really began to enjoy him as a true stage presence

This film is diabolical.

Bateman's actions are centered around a desperate need to subscribe to the environment he is in as a means to hide his rather murderous night-time behavior.  What's really fascinating is not particularly Bateman's behavior, but the near-constant ignorance those around him have of that behavior. His yuppie lifestyle perfectly coalesces with his murderous doings: days full of pouring over the price tag attached to business cards and upscale dinner reservations meander into evenings of immense bloodshed. You find yourself hoping the horrible situation won't play out like it is going to--almost cheering for his victims: someone please notice what's going on, please see the trail of blood through the lobby, or the shape of the bag with a dead body in it instead of the brand name of the bag itself.

My personal favorite aspect of the film is the connection between creepy/awful/gory moments of the film with 80's music, Phil Collins, Huey Lewis, Whitney Houston. It makes the film a horror thriller like the piano music does in the Halloween movies: when you hear it you just know Michael Myers is going to come out of the woodwork somewhere.

The reason you should see this movie is because if you've ever gotten tired of horror/thriller films that follow the same formula of bad guy+good guy=dead people and lame cliff hanger ending this is definitely the film to see. 

Rent it. Buy it. It will be one of your favorites soon as well!

Chew #12 Review

Chew #12 is here!!!
Ah back into the world of a raging cibopath!

I must say, I am slightly disappointed. I really liked issue #11 and was waiting to see what happened with Chu and his love interest. But was let down kind of with Chew #12.  I liked the overall story but I'm very impatient and I dislike "filler" issues that are used by storytellers to keep us interested as they move from point A to point B. Unfortunately this issue falls into that category.The issue is short (before I knew it the whole thing was over!) and concise--it offers a very tantalizing cliff-hanger but I was less excited and more irritated because the story that was wasted on #12 needn't really exist... an open-and-shut story involving Tony without really telling us anything more about Tony or the story beyond the last page of the issue which leaves a HUGE cliff hanger. 

On top of this, despite the filler-story format, it was a whole lot less gory than usual. I just really feel that the author kind of piddled out on this issue and the artist followed suit. Granted there is an awesome scene with a demon chicken but with what I've come to expect I feel let down. No bueno.

Forgive me for feeling slightly miffed. I feel let down and irritated because in order to get a real story I have to wait until next month. LAME!

I eagerly await the next issue, which I hope is more satisfying than this one. I feel like a fat kid who has been forced to eat rice cakes. No good.

Tactical Tuesday: Home Fortress

Its TACTICAL TUESDAY!! (I like to pretend I'm Oprah when I say that)

Today's topic is....house styles!

Okay so here's the deal. As I was stumbling down the stairs this morning in my pre-cup of tea stupor it came to me: is a second floor a detriment or an asset in the advent of a zombie apocalypse?

My arguments are below.

Single Story:

The one problem with creating a fortress is that there is a fine line between haven and tomb. What could in theory protect you from an onslaught of ghouls could the very next day ensnare you when you must escape. Stairs add to this problem. Say that you've got a two story home and you've destroyed the stairs behind you in order to escape half-decayed fingers grappling for your flesh. Well now what? All the windows are at least 15-20 feet off the ground. Not even Jet-Li could jump that far down without hurting himself--and what's to say that in the seconds it takes for you to recover from your fall that those same grappling fingers you escaped from in the first place aren't there waiting for you? This problem is solved by a single-story home. While you lose some of the benefit of being high off the ground (zombies are notoriously bad jumpers) you don't have to be worried by being trapped like rats on a sinking ship. Your escape route is easily outside the nearest door, window or evil wall (depending on what type of home/building your shelter is in). Also lets say the owner of a two-story home doesn't destroy the stairs behind him when he takes refuge on the second floor of his house. Ghouls can't really climb stairs really well--but they can flop up them. Eventually they will reach the top. Furthermore, zombies aren't the only threat in a post-apocalyptic setting: living monsters who are quite human--and thus quite capable of climbing stairs or finding a way onto the second floor--pose just as much of a threat. While a single story home may do little to prevent this, it means that running is your preferred option (probably the best option in any situation really) instead of a "siege" which is most often disastrous for the person under siege--meaning YOU.  However, the single story home has a few faults. If a zombie or living assailant breaks into your home at some point you must either dispatch them or abandon your haven. And like any fortress you plan on constructing, the single story home will require a good deal of reinforcements and barricades (similar to hurricane reinforcements). These will be especially important because a single story home will put you on the same ground from which the living dead are rising. Chose carefully.

Two or More Stories:

Whether they are spiral, straight or a graceful curve upward, stairs enable us to reach the top floor of our homes (duh). They also create something our shrinking world needs more than anything else: space. Stairs create a second floor where the home can be stretched out vertically, therefore enabling storage and escape from the ground floor. This is one benefit of the two story home. If there is a perimeter breech on the first floor, one can climb up to the second floor and preferably hide or remove the threat from a safe distance. The second floor also enables more space with which to store supplies and materials. It makes makeshift plumbing easier, since all water (among other more gross liquids) flows down hill. You could in theory build a latrine that floods out of the house using gravity. Another benefit is that because the home is often as tall if not taller than the surrounding trees it allows you to climb to roof to signal for help, create rain catchers or install solar power devices. That the building is higher also creates a broader field of vision where you can see large groups of people or ghouls coming before they get close enough to surprise you. I personally enjoyed playing the sniper in Resident Evil 5, hiding up in some nicely secluded post high up in a tree or something picking off zombies left and right. There are a few faults with this design as well. A two story home where the stairs have been destroyed and a group of human survivors are hiding upstairs means one thing: zombies as downstairs neighbors. Not only would that smell lovely but it's like living with a ticking time bomb.  Zombies are not very forgiving and accidents happen. All it would really take would be a clumsy person falling below to the waiting undead and BAM. Or should I say: BRAINS!

In the end the selection really is determined by each individual survivor or survivors. each home will be different and it will thus be up to you to judge the faults and assets in the design of the home you want to use as a fortress against the undead.

Happy Surviving!

By Blood We Live Review

Let's get something straight. I am not a freak. I do not drink blood. I do not dress in all black and wear liquid paper on my face mooning after my immortal soul.

I am not a vampire wannabe.

I just like vampires.

So when I wandered into the library last week and found a new vampire short-story anthology edited by John Joseph Adams called By Blood We Live, lets just say I was intrigued.

First things first. If this were a movie, it would have an all-star cast.

Lets just name a few of the authors shall we?

Neil Gaiman--a personal favorite of mine, the man is a legend in film, comic book and fiction arenas.

Joe Hill--a creep-master to the extreme, Joe Hill created the eerie series Lock & Key. Joe comes from a long line of awesome authors---HIS FATHER IS STEPHEN KING!!

Stephen King--need I say more?
Anne Rice--basically reinvented the vampire genre with her Vampire Chronicles series. Interview with the Vampire--both novel and film--are epic

Sergei Lukyanenko--an awesome science fiction and fantasy author out of Russia, Lukyanenko's books have been made into films that equally as mind-meldingly awesome

Garth Nix--a favorite from my childhood, Garth Nix created the Old Kingdom series about a completely awesome teenage female necromancer.

Tanith Lee--a prolific horror and fantasy author, I don't have enough space here to list all her awesome novels and short-stories

L.A. Banks--written so many vampire/werewolf novels I've lost track. Also one of the first African American paranormal authors.

Kelley Armstrong--prolific werewolf author whose novels are the guilty pleasure of many a geeky teenager.

Jane Yolen--a fabulous award-winning author for young adults, Jane Yolen's novels have graced my bookshelves since I first learned to read.

David Wellington--fabulous author of the extremely interesting and addictive Zombie Trilogy--also wrote for the Marvel Zombies series.

O.M.G.

This is a list of some of the most hardcore, award-winning, genre changing, mind-bending authors.

These are vampire stories written by people who genuinely love the genre. Which is what makes this anthology what it is:awesome. This is not some cheesy, lame, Twilight-inspired, overly emotional  romp about almost-grown-ups falling in love with PG vampires. Whoever collected this list knew what he was doing, because these authors are all serious vampire FANS. And anyone who knows anything knows that FANS who have TALENT are much better than FANS who are UNTALENTED or NONFANS who are TALENTED when it comes to tackling anything of importance.  It'd be like George Romero making a stoner flick and Judd Apatow making a Zombie movie--both talented but in the wrong film genre.

Still worried about the stories being lame?

Allow me illuminate you with some examples:

Neil Gaiman's story involves a vampire, slightly necrophiliac version of Snow White.

David Wellington's is about pioneer vampires in the Roanoke Colony in Virginia (history buffs will know where that story may end up).

Joe Hill's story is about Van Helsing--which is totally badass.

I mean these aren't stupid stories. Even the stories written by lesser known authors are completely three-dimensional and fulfilling without being top-heavy with suspense and symbolism. These are grown up, scary and real vampire stories that actually have STORIES. They're not lovey-dovey twilight wannabes. They're not about high school and stupid teenager drama. Conversely, when I say they're grown-up I don't mean they're pornographic either. They're not the usual "I'm secretly smut" plot lines. Overall the entire collection is completely worth reading and makes me want to check out more the series.

ENJOY!

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Tactical Tuesday: Trench Spike

It's Tactical Tuesday!

Today's topic is one of a more personal nature.
Ladies and Gentlemen.....THE TRENCH SPIKE!
 Aside from being the namesake for this blog, the trench spike is a personal favorite anti-undead melee weapon. I've always had a great affection for any weapon that has multi-task applications; the trench spike is such a weapon.

This weapon was first created during WWI for use in the close-quarters combat of trench warfare. A trench spike or trench knife is characterized as a stabbing weapon with a large reinforced hand guard that gives the user a secondary melee weapon. This allows the user to use the weapon in close quarters where solely downward or upward stabbing motion or side slashing motion will not suffice. There are several different models to chose from, each with its own pros and cons. This makes this weapon extremely personable--you can choose one that suits your own preferences!

There are two styles of hand guards for the trench spike; a simple round hand guard and then the "knuckle duster" or individual knuckle guards. The knuckle duster version tended be more sturdy but is harder on the hand and were on the whole a heavier weapon.They also required someone who was specialized to create them, like a welder. You couldn't just glue a pair of brass knuckled to the hilt of a dagger or bayonet--you had to weld the knuckles to the blade--if not weld the whole thing from an entire piece of steel--no mean feat in the middle of a war (zombie or otherwise). This made them more expensive to manufacture and of course for the everyday soldier to procure.  This version however was easier to carry on one's belt, fit easily into a man's hand and was a well-balanced and sturdy weapon made from all metal.

The rounded hand guard was easy to create--you could simply modify your personal bayonet with a flanged piece of metal--often with a minimum of welding (remember this is 1917-1918, while welding was in it's renaissance, it wasn't on the front lines of the battle, where these weapons were invented) the weapon could be modified at the user's pleasure. This is to the weapon's detriment however. The single piece of rounded steel tended to get bent over time with repeated use because it lacked the reinforcement the individual knuckle guards provided. And because of the way the weapon was created (often not a single piece of metal like the knuckle-duster version) it was much more flimsy and easily broken and thus rendered useless. The flimsy wooden handle when combined with metal hand guard made the weapon bulky and didn't sit comfortably on a soldier's belt. This led to this style of guard being phased out for the sleeker, sturdier knuckle-duster version.

There are also differently types of blades from which one can chose. Remember, this weapon evolved from the original bayonet of the time period, which generally sharp, single-edged weapons designed as stabbing and slashing weapons (as a trench knife, the weapon would have a second edge ground on). So earlier versions of this weapon and some modern "purist" versions duplicate it as such. As the trench knife evolved, the blade was modified. There are some two bladed models and some spike models. The knives also vary in length.

The three different styles depicted to the left are from a couple different manufacturers of the time period. Notice the different styles of brass knuckles. Each type has a specialized flange on each of the knuckle loops, adding more punch to each impact. There is also a handy knob at the back end of each hilt, serving the same purpose. I personally like the downward curved version at the top; this version seems to have a predisposition for zombie-dispatching. I really prefer this style of trench spike, mainly because of the sturdy design. These were generally made with as few parts as possible and the parts used were made from heavy-duty cast metal and then welded to their other parts. Each of these weapons average at 10-12 inches in length.

The spike style blade to the left is characteristic of earlier models (notice the simple round hand guard discussed earlier). This version has a particular specialization that is a benefit and a detriment. I don't like this particular model for the mere fact that it really is a "spike," a triangular, stiletto-style blade attached to the rounded hand guard. While this is very good for stabbing a zombie through the head I doubt it would provide enough force to effectively destroy undead brain matter in one move. This coupled with the fact that for practical uses such as cutting cloth or even opening a can of food the weapon is useless. Multi-task=survival.                                                           

This is a modern version of a trench knife that is a collapsible model. It is utterly useless. I dislike it mightily. Not only does "collapsible" mean "I'm going to break really soon," the blade is made from stainless steel--shiny and rust-free but does not hold an edge long enough to be optimum battle material. In addition, the moving joints are just longing for gore and gray matter to get crusted---imagine cleaning this thing! And I can't imagine anyone but a small man or woman fitting their hand into that guard. I also dislike one-edged weapons that force you to use them in a specific motion. That hand guard prevents a person from stabbing downward (granted, you're not suppose to stab downward with a butterfly knife, since your hand would slide down on the handle and get sliced open, but I digress). Most of the zombies you'll be dispatching will require over-the-shoulder stabs into the cranium. The design of this blade would not only make that awkward but near impossible.

My favorite:

I like this style of trench knife (funny, its the original version first commissioned by the U.S. Army in 1918. don't change a good thing).  The design of the blade provides optimum piercing force without the trouble of a single-edged weapon getting stuck in the cranial bone and tissue.  The blade itself is thick and of medium length at approximately 6'' with the whole weapon being approximately 10'' in length. The shorter a blade is the less likely it is to snap (try breaking in half a piece of wood 6 inches long), thus lessening the chances of my snapping off my knife in some undead skull. I also like the style of blade. Each side of the blade has a raised center edge that bevels to the cutting edge, giving the weapon the "spike-like" quality I liked about the weapon to begin with without sacrificing utility and durability. Also, because the blade as two edges, the weapon is ambidextrous and can be used in a downward or upward motion.

Remember, never sacrifice utility for capability. Just because it kills zombies does not mean that it is an ideal weapon worth schlepping around the post-apocalyptic world with you---an electric guitar would probably kill a decent amount of zombies if you hit them hard enough and they didn't sneak up on you, but that doesn't mean its worth carting around for that purpose.

Again, not all weapons are created equal and never pass up an at-the-moment weapon to wait for the ideal one to come around.

Happy Surviving!

Tactical Tuesday #4: House Design

Today is Tactical Tuesday!
I had a little trouble figuring out what I should discuss today but after a little surfing around a little on the Internet I found a webpage detailing some anti-burglar house designs. The line between burglar and zombie is somewhat blurry and these designs could in theory be modified to prevent home invasions via the undead so I will detail the pros and cons of each design and designate my favorite.

This house design has potential. The entrances have strong reinforcements (they have support beams buried in the earth below the house) and the small point of entry creates a natural bottle neck to prevent a large group of people (or ghouls) attempting to enter all at once. I like the large sliding windows and the strong reinforced doors. The problems I have with this design is both the size of the house and its lack of safe exit. The house is just too small. Granted I'm not planning of housing a ton of people post-apocalypse (how would I feed them!!) but still I don't like the idea of no elbow room. What would you do if ghouls got inside? I'd be trapped in such a small area and it'd be really hard to defend myself. Also, no escape route. The designer of the house says that the house would be surrounded by soft-tilled soil (which I think doesn't make sense with the support beams dug into the earth to support the house, but I'm not an engineer) so in theory a person could jump from a window to the ground without hurting themselves. However, if your home fortress is surrounded by ghouls you a) don't want to do something so unsafe as to just jump out your window while in theory holding supplies and guns and all the stuff you need to escape and b) no matter what you say, jumping the second story window of any building is dangerous. It's hard to run away from zombies with a sprained ankle. Verdict: More trouble than it is worth

Now this second house design serves as more of an add-on to a fortress that you have personally designed, like picking headlights for your already tricked-out car. In a pre-apocalypse world, I like this doorway a lot. You tend to see them in movies that take place in big cities, like in New York. This one is basically a fortified foyer with a window and surveillance system. The door to the outside is controlled by an electric locking system (useful against a burglar, since you would then call the police. not so much against zombies...who you gonna call?). This type of fortification would be more useful during the initial onslaught of the undead where a survivor would have to be wary of not just the undead but also perfectly un-infected alive people who would like nothing better than to rob you.  I do however like the idea of a double entrance, especially with a strongly reinforced containment area. The problem I have with this design is that it mainly relies on electricity (the surveillance system and locking mechanism) which may or may not be accessible after the world ends. Also, I don't like the idea of having two doors to unlock if I have a group of ghouls coming after me and I need to reach safety in a hurry. Verdict: Has promise, but not 100%

MY FAVORITE-->

This design is my favorite because while it seems kind of moronic it has great potential (like me!). The front door is not just a front door, but a booby trap that leads to a fortified containment area separate from the rest of the house. If you replace the revolving trap door with a more simple design this type of fortification could be extremely useful. Imagine yourself out searching for supplies only to find some ghouls on your tail. You hurry home, climb in your fortress and wait for the zombies to come follow you. Poof they fall into a containment area 15 feet below. You wait til it's all clear, pick off the zombies at your leisure and poor some lye on the bodies instead of burning them thus ridding yourself of them without risking danger to your home with fire. Granted, its a lot to assume the ghoul is going to stand right on the exact spot the trap door is but again, the idea is sound. And imagine if you were protecting yourself from a non-infected person. This would be an extremely useful counter-measure.  My problems with this design mostly center on the actual building and design of this feature. The revolving door is extremely impractical. It involves pulleys, possibly hydraulics and a whole bunch of moving parts that if broken would render the device un-usable and thus a detriment instead of an asset. If you could develop a simple trap door mechanism I would feel better about this design. Then there is the containment area. Constructing that small room would probably be reasonable inexpensive (not exactly a bomb shelter) but it would still be time-consuming and labor intensive. Verdict: A good idea if given enough time and money pre-apocalypse to construct.

This design is completely impractical against the legions of the undead beyond a warning system of approaching zombies. That and the metal cage surrounding the house would actually prevent its living occupants from escaping in the event of an emergency as that cage gets in the way of every exit. The dog deterrent does nothing to prevent the entrance of someone who isn't afraid of dogs, like an undead mobile corpse. All it would really do is make you a lot of dead dogs. It actually might be more a detriment, since a barking dog makes a lot of noise and all the zombies in the area would come flocking towards the sounds. You would be better served keeping the dog inside the house and using all that really expensive chain-link fencing to cover the windows of the first floor. Verdict: Not a good plan at all.

These next three designs are a)almost ridiculous especially in an era of highly sophisticated burglary alarms and b) are not effective deterrents against legions of the undead. That being said, they are electricity-free and may be useful against un-infected invaders. The first (far left) is a set of nozzles that when triggered by someone opening windows from the outside releases solar-heated hot water onto said climber. Not exactly good against zombies, but as a warning system and deterrent against living invaders trying to break into your fortress it could be useful. Its best feature is that it is completely electricity free. Its worst feature is it involves installing little nozzles and window catches to make the mechanism work. That and it wastes valuable water. Verdict: good idea but wasteful. The second (center) is more a useful surveillance set-up which would in theory be fairly useful. It's basically a set of periscopes that are set up on the four corners of the home via the gutters on the outside. Granted, during a rainstorm these would be rather useless but in theory they would be good since you wouldn't be sacrificing visibility to obtain useful reconnaissance. The only real downside is the work put into installing these devices. Verdict: Smart and possibly worth the work. The last (right) is downright useless and impractical. It's a trellis and vine booby-trap system that is hooked up to tea gas nozzles. Not only is this completely silly (tear gas + zombies = zombie-shaped tear gas bombs) its impractical and wasteful. Even if you planned to use these against a living home invader, they would have to use that trellis or that specific vine to attempt access into your home. On top of that you'd need to install nozzles and get tear gas. Verdict: Meh. Not worth it.

This design leaves me dumbstruck. Why in heaven's name would you build a pool around your house? Ok. Lets look at this logically. Castles had moats. Moats, especially deep ones are reasonably effective at keeping people out of where you don't want them to be. However there are several problems with this design, just as a plain old house in pre-apocalypse times. Its a moat around your house! Moats throughout history leak. Why would you do that to your house!?  Flaws as a zombie-fortress are as follows 1) When the world comes to a stop there will be no more pool maintenance people to keep the pool in working order. The pool will become stagnant, which will be a magnet for disease carrying insects. 2) Its wasteful. Water is life and leaving perfectly drinkable water (well, kind of) out under the sun to evaporate is downright dumb. 3) Its unsafe. What if you can't swim? 4) Its not overly effective as a zombie deterrent. zombies may not be able to swim but they float and may float in the direction of your door. eech. 5) That retractable walkway is probably electric and will become useless when the power goes out permanently. Verdict: Kind of dumb and useless. Bad Idea.

I know why this design exists. Its because of those people during the 50s and 60s who built secret bomb shelters in the back yard. And underground bomb shelters do provide a great haven against legions of the undead when built correctly and stock with provisions etc. However all underground shelters are not created equal. Just looking at this picture makes me shudder in fear. Its a death trap. It has one entrance and exit. That entrance slopes down (perfect for a zombie to just fall into your shelter) and painfully small. The shelter has what looks like an electric air system (useless post-apocalypse). The shelter is tiny. It has no water access. It has no heat access. Wow. Its just plain dumb. Even as just a burglar deterrent, what if no one knew you were down there and you got hurt? You'd be stuck! How would a EMS person get a stretcher down to carry you out? Geez. People are dumb. Verdict: Imbecilic. NEVER BUILD THIS.

I like the idea of people using their brains to create unorthodox ways of protecting themselves, especially when the ideas are generally non-lethal and creative.  That being said I wish more people would think outside the box as to the downsides of their anti-burglar designs. Sometimes it would seem it'd be safer to be robbed! As anti-zombie designs these each have some potential but obviously all need some sort of modification, as is the case with most fortresses. These are all decent suggestions for fortification on the fortress I am sure you are planning. Just remember to use your noggin when planning and be creative. Good luck and happy planning!