Favorite Friday: Halloween aka the Best Holiday

First off, let me tell all of you readers out there that I am sorry for missing tactical Tuesday this week. I have about 4 papers due and as we speak I am relishing a certain amount of procrastination to share with you my treatise on Halloween. Furthermore, the next few weeks may contain a rather....sporadic....amount of posts, but bear with me, once school is out I'll be posting constantly due to boredom.

Anywho.

A Treatise on Halloween's Awesomeness

I'm weird. I like skeletons. I don't look away when they draw blood from my arm. I read ghost stories. I like gore and guts and big scary men with weird faces stabbing people. I like tinkly scary music. I enjoy cool crisp air augmented with the smell of burning leaves. I adore apple cider. I enjoy having an excuse to cuddle on the couch because I'm scared of the movie. My house is notorious for its kick ass candy selection. Cinnamon, nutmeg and pumpkin are some of my preferred spices. I like having nighttime longer than daytime. I relish being able to be outside for more than five minutes without getting a mosquito bite.

What does this add up to, ladies and gentlemen?

Halloween Rocks. End of Class. 

Still here? Oh. Well I guess I better give you some notes. 

Now let me get this across as simply and as organized as possible.

5 Reasons Why Halloween should take up half the calendar rather than Christmas:

1) Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins
2) Shopping is Fun
3) It's Nice Outside
4) Something for Everyone
5) Good Clean Fun

1) Have any of you people ever had a Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkin? No? What is wrong with you? No, really. I'm genuinely asking. Because for those who have not discovered the sublime pleasure that is a Peanut Butter Pumpkin, I feel sorry for them. I feel that I must bring them a Pumpkin, unwrap it and feed it to them gently, explaining that yes they will now become one of us.  Okay, creepiness aside, allow me to explain. Once a year for about 2-3 months Reese's makes their Peanut Butter Cups in the shape of a pumpkin. Now what, you may ask, does that change? EVERYTHING. Now almost everyone has had a Reese's peanut butter cup in some way or another. When you bite into one, you are greeted with a snap on top and on bottom with a sublime peanut center, yes? Well, look at the pumpkin. It's a great deal larger than a cup, obviously. But it also NOT cup shaped. This is crucial. The pumpkin is made by making a peanut butter paste that is thicker than the peanut butter in the cup, because they add more peanuts to it. MEANING?! The pumpkin has more peanutty goodness! And on top of this, the peanut butter/chocolate ratio is higher, e.i. more peanut butter than chocolate. It's a creamy, delectable delight for anyone who is as much of a peanut butter fiend as I am.

 

Halloween shopping is not like this. This...is evil



2) Shopping during Halloween isn't stressful. It's FUN! What do you shop for during Halloween? Candy, Costumes and Decorations. It's chill. It's quiet. And most of the time you're surrounded by people who are as weird if not weirder than you are so there is little societal pressure to compete. Even if you wait until the last minute to buy a costume, the hustle and bustle of a costume shop is more to hurry towards a fun party or something instead of "I NEED THAT TOY SO MY DAUGHTER WILL KNOW I LOVE HER." It's a childlike enthusiasm to have fun and therefore---at least in my mind---its more genuine and worthwhile. The shopping season (which all things considered couldn't mean anything else but Christmas) for other holidays simply can't compete with Halloween.

......

3) Look outside. It is 72 degrees outside. There is a slight breeze that rustles through the autumn leaves that have just really started to fall to the ground in earnest. The sun is surrounded by a seemingly everlasting robin's egg blue sky. As daylight eases into night the crisp smell of forthcoming cold surrounds you. Leaves crackle and whisper as a chilly breeze blows. A toasty fire sounds like a good idea to you. Maybe wearing socks to bed or having a cup of warm cinnamon or pumpkin flavored beverage. No longer present is the incessant buzz of insects or the near constant chirp of birds. Instead the rustle to and fro of squirrels is all you hear, running up and across tree limbs securing fodder and lodging for when the temperature drops further. Pumpkins begin to appear everywhere: gas stations, grocery stores, porch steps and hay bales. You find an curious desire to carve one into a face, make it leer or grin at unsuspecting children. Skeletons laugh from trees and flower beds. Witches hang from tree limbs and bed sheet ghosts are draped over bushes and hedges. Cider sounds delicious now. And pies being to materialize on counters everywhere; pumpkin, pecan, apple and sweet potato.

This is why Halloween rocks.

4) There is something for everyone. This time of year is full of media based around the ever present spooky elements of this time of year. And not just movies or even just scary movies! Books, music, haunted houses, costume parties, movies, TV shows. The element of fun is inescapable. To be truthful, you'd really have to hate so many different things at once to not enjoy Halloween. Scary movies? Candy? Reading? Music? Haunted Houses? Dressing up? Watching movies or TV? Come on. Furthermore, the content and quality of the media associated with this holiday is nigh unmatchable with any other holiday during the year. Christmas is probably the only holiday that would even come close and to be honest with you, those kinds of movies only really appeal to the people who celebrate Christmas. Jews, agnostics, and atheists could feasibly enjoy Halloween and/or any of the aforementioned media, whereas these groups most likely would refrain from becoming too embroiled in any Christmas related media. Halloween has something for everyone!

5) Now. When I say "Good Clean Fun" I'm guessing that most would either question my meaning or tell me outright that I am mistaken. Allow me to clarify.  The business of Halloween really has to do with enjoying the ability to be someone, somewhere or something else for a short while. Whether or not it's scared out of your pants in a haunted house or dressed up as the Lady GaGa for the neighborhood Halloween party, you get to step outside the normal for a time and enjoy yourself. That's all Halloween really is regardless of age. Some people may point out that ladies costumes have become "sexified" in past years and that horror movies contain large amounts of violence etc. And I agree but you're taking them out of context. Are the people watching horror movies people who would normally go around killing others in grotesque manners? No, of course not---THAT'S THE POINT! These films are escapist entertainment people. Meant to send adrenaline coursing through veins before ENDING. The End!! It's vicarious terror that has a time and place somewhere other than your living room. As for the sexy costumes, those are being worn by adults who do adult things. If you don't like the idea of dressing up as a sexy nurse, don't. But remember, costumes make you into someone else, at least for a while. I happen to think that the people who don those particular styles of costumes are attempting, at least somewhere deep inside to be something other than themselves or perhaps bring out a hidden part of themselves in a safe environment where EVERYONE is someone they aren't normally.

Well there you go, people. Enjoy your holiday because unfortunately these days Halloween and Thanksgiving rarely get more than a passing glance before the looming season of Christmas begins. Be safe and HAVE FUN!

I have to mention the pumpkins again...watch this video.

Favorite Friday: 28 Days Later

 Jello-O and Zombies.....lets discuss.

     I like apocalypse. I like that show "Life After People" on the History Channel. I like The Road by Cormac McCarthy (haven't seen the movie yet, but will ASAP). I like Planet of the Apes and The Road Warrior. I could live in the Thunderdome. I want to be Tank Girl. I liked Waterworld (yeah, don't hold it against me). Wall-E makes me tingly.


I love this cover

     But why? For me, there is just something so innately fascinating about viewing the world through the lens of destruction. I'm addicted to imagining what would happen to the world if society went kaput. When I watch these films I feel prepared, justified and safe. Like I somehow know something that other people don't. I prefer zombies films where society has already crumbled. Past the chaos and onto living on scavenged cat food and making weapons out of old car parts.

     So.



FAVORITE FRIDAY: 28 DAYS LATER

     I know this isn't a zombie movie (yes it is) because director Danny Boyle has constantly told everyone that is not a zombie movie (but it is). That being said, it is the most zombie-like post-apocalyptic movie about sick people who transfer their sickness (very zombie-like...because it is) to others.

     Okay kidding aside, this technically isn't a zombie movie. Not really. These bad-guys are really just very very sick people. They aren't killed and then reanimate. They die when you shoot them in the chest. They starve to death. They bleed out etc.  They also don't eat people. They just get angry and express it in a very rude way.



left to right, Gleeson, Murphy and Harris



     28 Days Later follows a group of people who after 4 weeks following the initial outbreak are seemingly the remaining survivors of an extremely contagious epidemic that has struck the United Kingdom. The virus, unlike anything ever seen before causes those afflicted (they are referred to as "the infected", never the "z-word") to become as so succinctly put at the beginning of the film "infected with rage." The disease is instantly contagious and the only cure is death.

     Jim (Cillian Murphy, Scarecrow from Batman Begins) wakes up from a coma alone in a hospital. As he wanders the streets, he is set upon by Selena (Naomie Harris, scary voodoo lady from Pirates of the Caribbean) whom he joins forces with and eventually Frank (Brendan Gleeson, Menelaus (Helen's hubby) from Troy) and his daughter Hannah. Together they travel across country towards the promise of safety. Without revealing too much, they meet trouble in the form of infected and not infected persons.

All alone.....

    But the reason I like this film so much is that it is personal.  The setting is real. Society has been rushed into evacuation and quarantine. Is that so hard to believe possible? Could a disease like that spring up somehow in the world? In the United States? To us? Oh yes. That makes it scary. You look out the window when you watch this movie, looking for furious red eyes.



that's just funny

 I know I said I was scared of zombies. But my fear somehow makes what these characters are going through much more real. I feel for them when they share moments of despair. I understand a father wearing riot gear to protect his kids. The confusion, anger and terror. You meet so many different crazy end of the world kind of people. Despairing people. "Screw it lets do this" people. Funny people. Good people. Really bad people.

And it's funny! There are moments of quaint pleasure found in the simple act of eating peaches after months of soda and snack cakes. A soldier running away screaming like a girl while an infected chases him down a hallway. The pure zit-popping pleasure of a bad guy getting exactly what he deserves. A guy getting smacked over the head for fear of him biting a girl when he was actually kissing her. Slapstick end-of-the-world humor. Awesomeness.
Great down-played carnage and special effects coupled with truly scary infected persons. Their eyes are what get me. *shudder* It reveals what really scares us...ourselves! Real people scare us! OMG!



spoooky eyes!

 And yet. And yet. There is a depth to this film that as you watch it over and over again you find yourself seeing a different film each time. You notice different layers of destruction, toys laying in the mud, good-bye letters that you were too distracted to notice. Lines so simple:

"Infected with what!?"
"....Rage."

So simple. So effective.

And it is rage that is explored here, not zombies. Rage is what is so fascinating. It's not evil here that has filled these people. It's not a flesh-hungry violent zombie virus like in Dawn of the Dead. This a war movie. It's people killing people. It's just hyper-concentrated. Rage is a human thing. Animals don't get mad (to be specific I think they just really scared because they're scared). Plants don't get mad. Yes.

28 Days Later can be taken on two levels. A scary zombie-like movie full of action, suspense, gore and drama. Or as a treatise on the human condition by putting people in the worst of situations and seeing what happens.

Watch it alone or with people. It's like the Jell-O of scary zombie-esque movies. And there is always room for Jell-O.

Tactical Tuesday: How to Make a Survival Heater



For Comparison: 1817 is 1 quart, 1837 is 1 gallon

I don't like dying. Do you? Good. Lets get on with preventing that shall we?

Tactical Tuesday: HOW TO MAKE A SURVIVAL HEATER

What you'll need:

-1 30oz fruit can or 1 quart paint can: it needs to be smaller in circumference than a regular roll of toilet paper, but taller. If possible with a resealable top that is airtight
-1 roll of unscented toilet paper with the cardboard tube in the middle taken out
-

Alcohol. It is flammable.

Fuel in the form of 70 to 90% rubbing alcohol: other fuels are mentioned below
-A coffee can or gallon can ---this can be any can, it just needs to be larger than the can with the toilet paper roll in it, so you don't burn yourself or wherever you put your survival heater. Also, if possible with a resealable airtight top.
-An aluminum pot or metal: this will be used to smother the flame when necessary: this must be METAL because plastic MELTS
-Matches or other source of fire: to light the heater

   In pre-Apocalyptic times, this heater is kept in the backseat of a car for use when someone gets stuck in snow at night when it is freezing outside. It will keep you alive long enough for the temperature to raise outside
   The purpose of this heater is to keep you warm enough in freezing weather when you are isolated and away from a large heat source (like a kickass survival shelter). It could also be used in the event of hypothermia to raise the body temperature enough to prevent death. It is to be used in an emergency because of the relatively "expensive" use of rubbing alcohol as fuel (since rubbing alcohol or alcohol in general will become scarce post-Apocalypse). It may or may not work with other sources of alcohol, like drinkable alcohol, ethanol, acetone, even some other flammables like deodorant sprays and perfume.
   In theory it can be used to heat/cook food, though it is very impractical for that use. It is to be used temporarily in an EMERGENCY. These items are to be set aside to be used specifically for use in keeping you alive. Not for cooking dinner.

The Procedure:
Pre-set up:
-Remove the cardboard tube from the center of the toilet paper.
-Cram it into the smaller can. The point of this is to get the toilet paper as snug inside the can as possible, if it absolutely won't fit, unroll a few sheets but be conservative. There should be no gaps between the roll and the side of the can. 
-If possible put the lid back on the can (if it will still go on) so that it will protect the toilet paper from becoming wet.
-Put the smaller can into the larger can, like a nesting doll.
-Then put the lid back on the coffee can.

Stop. This is the end of making your stove before you want to use it. If you put the alcohol in the toilet paper at this point and then put it into storage, it may evaporate. You can put it on there before you use it if there lid is airtight, but I find the idea of mixing my flammable elements together before hand slightly unnerving. Also, there are many variables in the airtight-ness of your container. Better to stick with leaving the alcohol in the original container until the last minute.

Using the Heater.
-Take the lid off of both cans.
-Poor enough alcohol into the smaller can to fill it half-way.
-Fun part: Ignite it. Matches, flint, fire steel whatever.


yaaay...I won't die!!!


Now here's a thing to remember:
Alcohol burns very very quickly. The point of the toilet paper is to prolong that burn-rate. But toilet paper is paper which also burns quickly. So you must do something to prolong that even further. What I suggest is taking the lid to the larger can and all but covering your big can (thus the need for a metal lid). This will control the amount of oxygen getting to the flame thus conserving your fuel.

NOW YOU WILL LIVE AND NOT BECOME A POPSICLE!!!
YAAY!

Props to TacticalIntelligence.net for their extremely helpful video and images!

Favorite Friday: Shaun of the Dead

   Ladies and Gentlemen: SHAUN OF THE DEAD

It's come to my attention that my favorites have become a little top heavy with the attractive undead and kickass living. So I've decided to even it out a bit with extremely unattractive undead, mostly to go with the upcoming Halloween season.



 

Funny as Hell



  I belong to a little group known as Zombiephobic's Anonymous or ZA.

Okay so that's a lie. There is no such thing as Zombiephobic's Anonymous or if there is it is so anonymous I don't know about it.

Anyway....as a young human I went through a phase where anything that remotely looked like a zombie scared the living crap out of me. This coupled with an overactive anxiety organ somewhere in my extremely irrational brain led me to hiding survival kits in the bathrooms of my house (and other people's houses....yeah I was weird). Part of my rehabilitation (coupled with a year of therapy) was a slow introduction into zombie media by my ever patient, zombie-snob of a boyfriend Patrick.

There's a point to this, I promise.

One of the earliest movies I could really stand was Shaun of the Dead. 

For some reason the combination of ridiculously amusing comedy and gory zombie flick didn't scare me. And ever since I have truly enjoyed the film.

  The reason zombie aficionados and regular movie-goers alike love Shaun of the Dead is because of the writing acumen and zombie-tastic obsession of those who created the film.


Yeah those are brain cupcakes


   It's like eating a cupcake made by a person who both is a great chef and really really loves cupcakes.

  The main character is a 28-year-old aimless department store salesmen named Shaun (Simon Pegg, who also co-wrote the script) whose personal troubles involving girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield), stepfather Philip (Bill Nighy), roommate Pete (Peter Serafinowicz, who voiced Darth Maul in Star Wars Phantom Menace) and best friend Ed (Nick Frost) coincide with the sudden onslaught of legions of the undead. He must save the people he loves and get his shit together all the while avoiding flesh-hungry zombies. It's like a funny Hugh Grant movie. With Zombies.



I'd kill the hipster zombies first



   First things first. The movie is just plain funny. The deft handling of comedic timing coupled with perfectly delicious gore and violence leaves one giggling constantly between groans of grossed out pleasure. It's witty comment plus gross out moment consistently keeping you entertained by double-teaming you with gore, violence, slapstick (or slap cricket bat) and sarcastic comments.

What makes the film even better is that its a zombie movie for REGULAR PEOPLE. We don't have Uzis and RPGs and tricked-out chain saws. We have cue sticks! We have bats! We scream like a girl when one-armed undead assailants enter our living room! As I watch this film it is like I know these people. You should know them too!!We all know a pretentious douche like "Pete" or a nice-guy lazy bum like "Shaun" or a stupid childish "Ed." But it is this familiarity that draws us into this film and makes it a zombie movie for the people, by the people. It's like the United States of Undead. It takes the movie to another level. Rooting for the dumb stoner character who knows how to survive from video games or revelling when the annoyingly bitchy guy gets eaten takes the film from "scary escapist entertainment" to "pleasantly gross roller coaster ride with some of your best friends." 



Um....Shaun....there are...oh you'll figure it out...



   Beyond its simple premise, the movie is both an homage to zombie films and a part of what has become the Zombie Renaissance in the last 6 years. It represents a culmination of a serious reinterest in zombie media that over the past few years has blossomed back into the spotlight (most zombie-snobs look down on those who have recently fallen for zombie movies. I roll my eyes at them because of their snootiness).  Zombies never really went away, they instead just fell away from the main spotlight. Shaun of the Dead is part of what brought zombies back into that spotlight.

  Shaun of the Dead is full of references to horror works spanning the last 6 decades including 28 Days Later (voice on the radio talks about rabid monkeys, referencing this film), Dawn of the Dead, An American Werewolf in London (the grocery store Shaun gets ice cream from is called "Landis" after John Landis, the movie's director) just to name a few. I mean come on...Romero liked this movie so much that he had Simon Pegg and the director Edgar Wright cameo in his movie Land of the Dead.

There are so many cameos that every time I watch it I see someone else who looks familiar and I end up googling it until I figure out who they were. So I was completely floored when I spotted this fellow in the back.

Yeah that's Chris Martin of Coldplay right there on the right hand side, blue jeans and gray shirt. Tee hee.

  As someone who really hasn't been immersed in zombie movies (I refuse to watch Cannibal Holocaust, since I KNOW it will give me nightmares) this movie is completely enjoyable for anyone, not just someone seeking out pop culture references or zombie-political-correctness (you zombie snobs and your "zombie rules"). If you just want to watch a HORROR MOVIE or a COMEDY or a HORROR COMEDY or a ZOMBIE COMEDY this film suits all those needs perfectly well.

I think that you should see this movie.

Enough said. Go forth, young people. Enjoy the gore. I give you my blessing!



Tactical Tuesday: Your Butt and How to Save It



rut wro!

 After receiving a wonderful suggestion from one of my readers (thanks brothers Judge!) I have done some necessary research to better inform the public on how to better protect themselves from Zombies.

Today's Topic? Personal Wellness and its effect on Zombie Protection.






  TACTICAL TUESDAY: YOUR BUTT AND HOW TO SAVE IT

1) Diet
2) Hydration
3) Cardio
4) Hygiene
5) Your Brain

1) Diet
   Ok so here we go. Human Beings are Omnivores meaning that in order to obtain all the necessary vitamins, minerals, protein andetc we need to eat a variety of food stuffs--unlike cows who only need vegatation or lions who only need meat. What you should focus on primarily is getting as much of a variety as possible. Don't just go for the carbohydrates. Don't just go for protein. Grab whatever you can but make sure that once the shelves get bare you are finding sources of the nutrients that you need, even if they are in unusual places.
   Protein is the most important. A half-cup of beans has as much protein as 3oz of broiled steak. Soy milk is a great source of protein in drinkable form that doesn't spoil or need refrigeration like regular milk until the package is opened. Also remember that protein is not stored in the fat like carbohydrates are---once you stop eating them or don't eat enough of them your body starts breaking down muscle mass to make up for the difference. Your hair will fall out, followed by fingernails and eventually you will become very very weak. The amount of protein your body needs just to function daily is your body weight in pounds multiplied by .37. If there's a choice at the beginning of the apocalypse? Stock up on protein sources and eat them sparingly.

Surprisingly, fast food isn't good for you. Tasty though.

   Vitamins and Minerals are also really important. Most people in the United States don't realize how lucky they are to not suffer from vitamin deficiencies. Broccoli and red peppers are actually higher in vitamin C than oranges. Also beware of vitamin supplements. There are different kinds of vitamins, fat-soluable (you don't pee out extra) and water-soluable (you pee out extra). There is a real possibility of overdosing on fat-soluable vitamins like A, D, E, and K. Overdosing on these vitamins can lead to several different debilitating illnesses, all of which are avoidable if one simply reads the bottle in which the supplements are found. Also---your body makes vitamin D every time you go out in the sunshine--just 15 minutes outside in bright sunshine with some bare skin exposed will give you enough vitamin D. Also remember to enjoy some Iodized Salt on occasion (which I'm sure won't be a problem with all the preserved food--made with salt, but check the packaging). Iodine is a necessity, especially in protecting your thyroid gland in the event of a nuclear explosion (most people who get cancer from radiation get thryoid cancer or something similar). Iodized salt is salt with Iodine in it, which supplements our diet.

   Bottom Line: Think with your brain, not your stomach. Eat what's good for you when you can. Make sure it's not spoiled, then stuff your face while you can.



Even Zombies need to hydrate

 2) Hydration
   I cannot stress enough how important it is to ingest enough water. Water is what your blood is made of, it protects your brain, heart and other organs. It makes digestion possible. When you feel hungry, most of the time you are actually thirsty. The best way to tell if you are hydrated is not if you feel thirsty...its how much you pee. Another job water performs in your body is to flush out all the bad stuff in your blood, lymphatic, and endocrine systems so that you pee it out. The ideal amount of pee a person should output is right around 6 cups a day. So in order to replace this you should try to ingest somewhere around 8 eight-ounce cups of water or other beverages a day. Now I will say this....it doesn't have to be WATER. It has to be a non-caffinated, non-alcoholic beverage.  Caffiene and Alcohol are natural diuretics, which means they tell your body to kick out more water than it normally would, thus dehydrating you! If you have to drink a caffinated beverage make sure you supplement it with extra water.

   Bottom Line: Drink at least 64 ounces of water a day and you'll be set!



WHAAAAAAAAA!!! *puff puff* WHAAAAA!!!!!

 3) Cardio--DON'T SKIP THIS YOU LAZY BUMS!
   Cardio or Aerobic Exercise are exercises geered toward strengthening the heart muscle and the lungs into better transporting blood and oxygen to the body. Exercises like jogging, swimming, stationary bike (my favorite!!), rowing, cross-country skiing are some examples. Any exercise that puts you in a constant state of motion for more than 20 minutes.  The focus is not on strength-training and muscle-building but on endurance and respiratory fitness.  Cardio is important because once the Apocalypse arrives you will probably spend a decent amount of time evading people and zombies attempting to kill you. You will find this difficult if you have a stitch in your side and your leg muscles are seized up because your heart is not strong enough to send oxygen-laden blood to your extremities fast enough.  Cardio is not hard to fit into your lifestyle. Just do somethings that get your heart-rate up for more than 20 minutes. Don't like running? Speed-walk with weights on your ankles! Hot outside? Do laps in the pool for 20 minutes! Treadmill taken at the gym? Try the nordic track! As long as your heart-rate is up and you've got a nice sweat going you're doing it right---just keep doing it for a least 20 minutes for 3 times a week!
  
   Bottom Line: Move now while you're not being chased by legions of the undead!

4) Cleanliness
   As a female I take pride in my personal....aroma. I make sure that I don't stink and keep my body very very clean. Men, as a species, have less of a tendency to maintain their physical cleanliness. Soap is your friend. Women are more susceptable to infections of their....areas then men are---but that doesn't mean that men can't get them. Candidiasis (Yeast Infection) can occur anywhere on the body, but often occurs where there are folds of skin that are kept wet, warm and dirty for longer periods of time. Imagine walking around after the world comes to an end for months at a time without washing. Imagine all the areas...............that are dirty and begin to smell and need a wash.......funky-ness that leads to infections.....yeah you get my point. WASH OFTEN.

This could be you. Cut your damn hair you hippie

   Hair is very important to cleanliness and safety. Now, I have long hair. I look good with long hair. It also makes a good handle-----FOR THE UNDEAD!!!! The minute the apocalypse comes I'm getting a buzz cut. The long hair is also difficult to keep clean, stays wet over a long period of time and can affect my visibility and block my eyesight. I plan on sacrificing my vanity in order to save my life!
   Teeth are important. Getting an absess tooth--which occurs when your tooth decays below the gumline and the surround gumtissue gets infected. Eventually your tooth will fall out---which is painful but rarely fatal. Now to prevent this BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Toothaches also make it difficult to eat which is akin to clogging the fuel line on a car. No eat=get eaten by zombies. Tartar on your teeth is also linked to heart disease and various other illnesses. BRUSH YOUR TEETH DAMMIT! Even if it is just with a piece of paper or a twig from a tree.

Feed your Braaaaaaaaainss....

   Next up is your nails--keep them short but not too short. DO NOT BITE THEM. Your hands will be in very gross places and sticking them in your mouth will only increase your chances of getting ill. Keeping long nails also increases your chances of keeping dirt close to your food, which also increases your chances of getting ill. Also if you cut your nails too short there is a chance they could get infected and fall off. Which from personal experience is extremely painful.

  

   Bottom Line: Keep Your Butt Clean.

5) Your Brain

   Aside from being the main staple of the Zombie Diet, your brain is incredibly important to your survival because after the world comes to an end....THERE IS NO GOOGLE!!! You will have to survive on the power of your knowledge alone. With what you know now how do you think you'd fare? Yeah that's what I thought. READ MY LOVELIES! Obtain knowledge!  Your brain is the only thing that maurading bandits and zombies can't take away from you (well they can but by that point you'd be dead and you won't care anyway).

  Bottom Line: Filling your brain with good things like knowledge prevents it from being filled with grasping undead fingers.

History 101: Taco Bell and It's Dubious Connection To Cortes

Wait....you wanted what you ordered? Oh. Huh.

I ate at Taco Bell recently and after getting half-way through my 3rd crunchy taco without realizing that the underpaid and probably stoned Taco Bell employee put cheese AND sour cream on my tacos (I'm 100% Western European and lactose intolerant...figure that out) and suddenly felt ill. As my stomach gurgled and bubbled I was suddenly struck by how much of a complete jerk Hernando Cortes was to the people of Mesoamerica.

Now, in popular culture Cortes doesn't really make much of an appearance (the most notable being in The Road to El Dorado).  However that doesn't really diminish his tool-ness.


yo ho ho!

 Cortes (or Cortez) started off his conquesting on the island of Hispanola (which is currently split into Haiti and Dominican Republic these days) being all in charge of Indian slaves making sugar. He got tired of that soon enough and joined an expedition to conquer Cuba and by 1511 (after recovering from syphilis...icky) had proceeded to make himself ridiculously rich. Unfortunately he was a cocky little butthead and proceeded to get on the bad side of the governor, Diego Velazquez by shacking up with his bodaciously beautiful daughter, Catalina (and one of her sisters, too). Whether it was being married or whatever he got tired of being head honcho on Cuba he decided "hey? How about I go massacre ANOTHER indigenous people? And steal their gold, wenches and bicycles?"

So Cortes put an expedition together with the help of Catalina's father (actually, Velazquez got pissed at Cortes at the last second and took back his offer--Cortes went anyway).

Ain't he handsome for a mass murderer?

 Cortes first landed in Veracruz. Here, Cortes began his incredibly effective strategy of allying himself with all the Indians in between him and wherever he's going. These all happen to be the enemies or belligerents of the Aztecs--basically a huge army of bullies. This was his scheme the entire way to the Aztec kingdom, building up his army as he went along. He also "converted" a great deal of these Indians (mostly so he could claim his expedition had to do with God, at least in part) and by converted I mean "be baptized or I kill you."

While in Veracruz a bunch of his men still loyal to Governor Velazquez tried to chicken out and sail back to Cuba. Cortes, ever the benevolent leader, burned his ships and sank them (all but one, which he had them drag really far inland so it was very hard to escape with) so they'd have no way to get home unless he decided. Nice guy.

While marching towards the Aztec Empire Cortes picked up another babe, whose name was Malinche, an Indian who just so happened to speak Maya and the Aztec language, Nahuatl (one of his men spoke Maya, who'd translate it into Spanish).  So hot chicka + interpreter = perfect girlfriend (they had a child together named Martin).

Anyway. The Aztec calendar at this time foretold of the return of a god (whose name I won't record here, since it has like 9 vowels in it) who was pale skinned and bearded. Well they (at first) thought Cortes was this god, which Cortes totally exploited.

Well they go out to conquer the Aztecs, which they do spectacularly. We're talking complete devastation. We're talking intrigue. Betrayal. Murder. Robbery. Hair Pulling. Shoe-lace tying together.

Cortes+Aztecs=not getting the security deposit back

You know. General Mayhem.

When the upper-level Aztecs very quickly realized Cortes might not be who he said he was, there was enough of a question among the people to enable Cortes to squeak in and wreak havoc. He basically played Desperate Housewives among the Aztecs, who were already predisposed to arguing amongst themselves. They saw Montezuma --the king of the Aztecs at this time--as weak because he didn't strike out against Cortes when he had the chance.
Trapped within the royal Aztec palace (made out of gold, btw) Cortes paraded Montezuma around the top floor in view of the mob outside in attempts to quell a rebellion that had popped up. The people stoned Montezuma to death and Cortes narrowly escaped to regroup and resupply outside the city.
He'd pick and chose whoever would get him the most gold (rather like Hollywood).

From jackass point A to jackass point B

And brought it to him. aaaaaand brought it to him.

Let's just say that Charles V of Spain (King of Spain during this time) was able to finance 15 years of wars in Europe (including the kidnapping of the Pope!) with the gold they got from the New World.

Hernando Cortes was not a nice man. He didn't even really do anything beyond start 500 years of really really not-niceness in what is now Mexico and Mesoamerica. Well. I guess that is starting something. Cortes was a tool but at least he was good at it!!!

Dante's Inferno: Video Game Review

Dante's Inferno is a classic work of literature that has changed both the literary and christian world.  Did you know that the Bible makes no real mention of the structure of Hell as thoroughly as the Hell depicted in Inferno? So everything taken as common knowledge about Hell is taken from the pages of a poem written some 700 years ago. Amazing huh?



Okay, history lesson over.



WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!





The game in a nutshell follows the story of the Inferno, though it has been tweaked a little bit to enable plot twists, naked women being captured by Lucifer and of course massive amounts of beating up demons. 

Numero Uno: The Good Things

1) It's beautiful. Never to be outdone EA Games (Medal of Honor, Rock Band) and Visceral Games (Dead Space) really worked their booties off to create a game whose cut scenes are gorgeous, lifelike and almost like watching moving artwork.  There's a scene where Lucifer is floating around gloating over his "marriage" to Beatrice and *shudder* he's so creepy looking! This coupled with the complex and layered scenes depicting Hell as Hell-ishly as possible makes the game a joy to look at and each scene more interesting than the last. You've got "souls" hanging off spikes that actually move their arms and legs when you get closer to them. The depiction of demons is beautiful and horrible in its execution---really gross looking demons and boiling blood rivers....very Hellish. I never really saw two settings that looked the same as the last.



I really want those shoes

 2) It's clever. I really like the Absolve/Punish feature which adds a personal touch to the gameplay. I always felt really bad when I had to punish someone but absolving Pontius Pilate made me feel all good about myself. But there are some really cool characters in there, including some from Classical Literature like Orpheus, Mordred and Hecuba. There are also some cool historical characters like Boudicca, Emperor Frederick II and Attila the Hun. There are minigames to capture sins and all that. It's great. The Virgil element adds a bit of class to all the demonic blood-shed and I completely fell in love with the direct quotes from the original text. Really quite an intelligent game.

3) It's fun. I like hack/slash games because of their pick-up and play mentality. I like being able to kick the crap out of some demons at the end of the day. I like how cool and fluid the actions are behind the combos. I also like the relic-collecting and upgrading along with the combo-tree aspect you can enhance your character with as you free more and more souls. As a fan of platforming I also like the puzzle aspect of the game and how you really have to figure out where to go next to get to the next level--this interwoven with beating up bad guys makes the game a lot more fun.

Numero Dos: The Bad, Bad Things.



TAKE THAT!

 1) Okay. Here's my problem. The game is really, really, REALLY repetitive. I thought Assassin's Creed was repetitive but this is just ridiculous. The first level is great because the demons are cleverly constructed in how the kick the crap out of you. They're hoochies with crazy man-eating lady-parts.  Because that level is Lust. Get it? And Gluttony is full of big wormy eating things. Because its eating stuff, get it? And even Greed...Greed is full of molten gold and spinning guys full of coins.....wait...what? And beyond that? It's mostly just angry angry demons that get different shades of paint for each level. It gets really old after a while. Old in the way "I just want to finish this part because I know the boss will be something cool." Which, granted is generally true. But I felt like I was doing a chore...like I'd seen everything I was going to see.

2) The mechanics were pretty irritating. Sometimes I really had to trick my character into doing what I wanted him to do...like jump straight up. And it was often unclear just where I was supposed to go next. This coupled with unforgiving environment (it IS Hell after all) led to a great deal of very fatal accidents involving cliffs and me falling off them.  There was one point in particular---and I will clarify something first if only to mollify my pride. I've been playing video games since I was 5 years old. I know how to jump over somewhere that will kill me. But I "misjumped" into lava like 20 times because the edge mechanic and the AI controlling how my character reacts with the environment is retarded. I would land on the edge of a rock and just slide off. On top of this, there is no camera control. I can't zoom in, rotate, even 1st person the scenery which makes the game feel really difficult to explore and makes my character hard to maneuver sometimes---especially when something I need to jump on is off screen. Talk about leap of faith.

3) No saving. You only save at specific points. Which is lame. Because if I die (constantly like that lava thing, which wasn't the only time kiddies) I go allllllllll the way back to my last save. Unless there was a random cut-scene or whatever. As a goody-hunter this is a little irritating--which brings me to my next point.

4) No backtracking. I don't like how there are all these things to look for and they're constantly hidden randomly all over the place in these "off the beaten path" locations and WE CAN'T GO BACK FOR THEM! There are only 2 points in the entire game that you can backtrack and of course those two points? There isn't anything for you to go back for. GAH!

All-in-All I really liked this game because it gave someone like me, a huge history and literature nerd, something squeal about. I like the beauty and horror tied in with the hack/slash platforming aspect. While a little bit rough around the edges the game is certainly worth playing and definitely make a worthwhile effort to beat. Give it a shot most definitely. I have it on XBOX 360 if anyone wants to borrow it!

Reviews? Think I'm Retarded? Think I'm Hilarious? Don't Give A Crap About Me? Tell Me!! I'd love to hear from you! Either leave me a message on Facebook or here on the blog page. The first 3 people to comment get cookies!!!

Favorite Friday: Starship Troopers is Full of Bug-Killing Awesomeness

Favorite Friday: Starship Troopers


This is.....CASPER!!! (van dien...)

Now now. I know that if a) you've seen this movie and you probably think its stupid or b) you have no idea what this movie is and/or you thought the title said "Super Troopers...."

either way you'll just click away....just know that if you do..........

You don't know what you're missing!!!!!

Still here? Good.

First, the plot.

The film takes place in a future time where the Earth and humans are under attack by aliens from another planet that are essentially giant "bugs." The story follows a few young people--the foremost being a gentleman by the name of Johnny Rico (played with acumen by Casper van Dien whom you'll recognize as Bram from Sleepy Hollow) ---and some of his fellow high school graduates as the join the military in order to become Citizens. Citizens basically enjoy all of the rights that we ourselves (that is US citizens here and now) have that Civilians do not have---voting, having children, ability to run for office, etc. So yeah. Basically it goes from there.



Neil Patrick Harris is a psychic who kills bugs....any questions?

 The first film (the one I am reviewing now...right now...the one you're reading about) is taken (very vaguely) from the pages of an award-winning book by the same name originally published in 1959. That being said, you should read the book too as it is very good. The film itself was actually nominated for an Oscar (Best Visual Effects 1998).

Take That!
I digress.

This movie is not just a shoot-em-up romp through the universe where the good guys kill the bad guys who just happen to be big arachnid things filled with goop. Its a mental movie. It makes you think. Okay it makes you think about bugs. But beyond that it really is an inflated, over-the-top action-flick satire of the world. The film alludes (in a haha poke fun kind of way) to Nazi-propaganda and Nazi military. The draw of military service in the film for most is that it enables you to be a "citizen" where you enjoy the rights: baby-making, voting etc. It's very fascist and very delicious. Watch it as a statement on class-conflict in militaristic societies.
It's very deep.


Looks like someone took a nerf ball and liquified it

But all of that aside.....forget all of that for just a second.

The movie. Is. Awesome.

 I mean come on now. It's about people killing giant bugs filled with various shades of goop.  There's action. There's suspense.There's ridiculous action sequences of suspense and gore with a man whose given name is Casper Van Dien (his parents hated him). There's Neil Patrick Harris in what has probably been his most normal role ever....which is weird. There's really awesome concentrating faces by Denise Richards.

My favorite thing about Starship Troopers is the over-the-top. I mean come on now. Giant bugs sending an asteroid to kill us? Seriously?  Using a teeny-tiny nuke like an RPG to blow up stuff? That's just silly. But look beyooooond the silly---see it? There is the awesome!! The movie is just a 50's version of Gears of War! SEE! ISN"T IT COOL!?  The only thing it's missing is some poor Carmine guy getting his head chopped off!

BUUUUUUUGS!

But you find yourself enjoying it. Rooting for us! The movie is a rollicky thrill ride of perpetual awesome. Because who doesn't like a good war movie? Do you dislike Saving Private Ryan? Or Black Hawk Down? Perhaps Inglorious Basterds? Platoon? Apocalypse Now? Well this movie is like all of those pretty much....just about bugs....and the future....yeah you get my point.



CONCENTRATING FACE!!!



Try it. See it as an art piece about how we are secretly inside---especially if we didn't care about offending the people we were fighting in a war. If it was PC to kill cockroaches because they looked like the people we were sending troops to kill. Maybe then this movie would really be about us instead of merely being make believe.

If anything just for the random naked scene (which the actors only agreed to do if the director and crew were all naked while filming it--which they were haha). Which sadly, I will not post here. I'm cool but obviously not that cool.

Tactical Tuesday:Shotgun

If you want something to go bye bye a shotgun pointed at it provides enough of persuasion for the living and enough of a kick for the living dead.

So allow me to introduce

Model Remington 870 Express

REMINGTON 870

Now I've reviewed the automatic shotgun (recently used in delicious capacity in the film The Expendables) so I figured that selecting my favorite pump-action shotgun would satisfy my OCD if not the OCD of my readers. Or whatever.

Anyway ON TO THE GUN!

The Remington 870 and all its variants is one of the best-selling shotguns in the world. Used by innumerable foreign (the Police in Luxembourg use this weapon...seriously) law enforcement, government and private agencies the weapon has also found a niche in the home defense  and hunting market. 

Now why do I like this weapon, as I am such an authority on weapons what with my boobs and menstruation-ness?

I will tell you.



Notice the pistol grips on the top two models and one with a collapsible stock

1) OPTIONS

2) EFFICIENCY

3) RELIABILITY

1) Options

It is almost ridiculous how many different options there are for this weapon. Ridiculously AWESOME! You can tailor the color: black, shiny, matte, camo-ed out for forested, desert or urban environments. Stock materials include: synthetic, wood, nickel-plated to name a few. You can even get a stock that has a pistol-grip for easier handling. You can get it with switchable barrel lengths, stocks that hold extra shot, barrels that are longer or shorter, rifled (for deer slugs...I love deer slugs) or not rifled--you can even get different kinds of barrel endings called chokes that controls the spread of the shot as it leaves the weapon. You can get a model with a rail on top so you can slap on gadgets like sights, telescopic lenses, lights, infrared scopes.  Tee hee.

Extremely modified Rem 870.....so much modification....*drools*

2) Efficiency
I like the pump action on a shotgun because the act of reloading seems more fluid than reloading a lever-action shotgun and is certainly more efficient that the manual reloading of a break-action shotgun.  Watching someone speed reload a pump action (that is holding the shells in their hands and sliding a shell into the weapon after they are out of shells...video) is so fluid and pretty that it makes me worship the armed forces. On top of that loading the weapon (which you can do from the bottom of the weapon or in through the ejection port on the side) is efficient and can be suited to the situation. That on top of the fact that every store from Wal-Mart to Dollar General carries some kind of shot gun shells. And to be honest with you, you can make your own shotgun shells...which I would definitely not condone to anyone. Because that's dangerous. *ahem* anyway.

  

 3) Reliability

Notice the flashlight mount

Time and again I prattle on about how the reliability of a weapon is paramount to selecting a weapon. And here I go again. The Remington 870 has some of the best ratings for any weapon--not just shotguns--in the order of reliability that I have ever seen. I think it boils down to the design of the weapon, which involves less moving parts than lever-action or semi-automatic shotguns. I've read accounts of this weapon being dropped in the mud and still firing.  Very low rates of jamming and even lower rates of misfires--and as far as I've read most of these would have been prevented with proper gun maintenance.

 The Remington catalog reads like a who's who of action movies and Cops reruns. Anyone who would ever need to use a shotgun could definitely find an 870 that could be pimped out to their liking. In a zombie context, options mean you can best find a weapon that suits the environment in which you'll be fighting for survival. You can get as complicated or as simple of weapon as you need to kill the legions of undead whether they be walking ghouls hungering for flesh or the simple sparkly vampire slut chasing after your significant other.

Why else do I like this weapon?  

 

IT'S CHEAP! You can buy a basic model for under 400$, which means that furthering your zombie fortifications won't be all held up in the purchase of your weapon.



Arnold says buy this weapon....or else....



History 101: Warwick the Kingmaker versus Tony Soprano--gangster-off or pie eating contest?



Thou talkest about vengeance?

I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.

Warwick didn't even make an offer. He just killed people. And you know what he did when you pissed him off? HE MADE YOU NOT KING ANYMORE. Could you imagine someone with that kind of power these days? Imagine Vito Corleone trying that crap. Warwick would just push the guy out of a castle window then continue eating his pork chops. Seriously.

 

Richard Neville was like the Donald Trump of the 1400s. As a young man he married the Paris Hilton of the era, the Lady Anne Beauchamp. Her father, Richard de Beauchamp, the Earl of Warwick (Richard was a popular name....like Joshua was in the late 90s) was a big shot in the monarchy at the time and her mother was a landed heiress. The Beauchamps were ridiculously wealthy and it was sheer luck that Richard Neville got in with the family when he did.

Now. This gets even better.  Anne Beauchamps' brother died, followed shortly after by Anne herself So the only son was Richard Beauchamps' son-in-law Richard Neville making him the Earl of Warwick. Warwick inherited a chunk of land from his family and his wife's family that is roughly the combined size of Greenville and Spartanburg counties, SC. That's like 1/4 of England. It made him a powerful person in the England at this time, where land=money.

Henry VI had a tendency to wander about in his underpants quoting the Bible to livestock



Now. Here's where the problems with people not knowing who they are dealing with come into play.  A rival contender for the Warwick lands was Edmund Beaufort, 1st Duke of Somerset who was also the King's cousin. He had married Richard de Beauchamp's daughter from a previous marriage and felt he deserved the lands more the Richard Neville did. In actuality they had about the same claim. Silly arguments are not constrained to name calling on Fox News. The problem is that Somerset was a favorite of the Queen and while King Henry VI was incapacitated (he was a crazy as hell--spent hours drooling on himself staring out the window before gallivanting around the castle in his pajamas and refusing to wear his crown) she ruled the roost. So naturally Neville's complaint was ignored.

Well. You don't ignore Neville. What do you do when someone pisses you off?

Raise an army. Duh.

Thou art a fat skank!

Warwick decided to change sides and join forces with another Richard (this time Richard of York) who was thoroughly annoyed with the way Henry VI was running things (or wasn't...because he was more interested in making sure church door hinges worked appropriately). That's also a very long story, but lets just say the whole basis of the War of the Roses amounts to someone saying someone else's claim to the throne was crap and they were a bad king so they should stop. The 1st Battle of St. Albans, Warwick's participation was crucial in winning--marks the first fight in a series of the War of the Roses a rivalry between two different groups of people (the York Family and the Lancaster family) in England from 1455-1485, which was more or less the medieval equivalent of a girlie fist-fight with some hair-pulling thrown in for good measure. 

Well anyway. The War of the Roses goes along at its interesting, twisty-turny pace and eventually York wins. Edward IV (York) is crowned in 1461 and Henry VI (Lancaster) is imprisoned in the Tower of London. His crazy ass wife Queen Margaret runs to France with her son the Prince of Wales. And here is where something very interesting happens.

 

Which babe would you pick if you were a dumb 22 year old king?

Things start to get...well....problematic for the Earl of Warwick, who was the poster child for control freaks everywhere. Edward IV kept refusing to marry his daughters to Earl of Warwick's brothers, which was a smack in the medieval face! On top of that the Earl of Warwick made a big fat deal with the Louis XI of France for Edward IV to marry Louis' sister-in-law, Bona of Savoy. Unfortunately....well. Edward IV was very romantic and a lady's man and well...he was King! So instead of running it by Warwick, Edward IV married a commoner named Elizabeth Woodville, who not only was older that Edward by 8 years but was also a widow with 3 grown sons who had a nasty habit of demanding the offices and titles that Warwick had worked so hard to fill with his own relatives.


NO THRONE FOR YOU!



AWKWARD!!!! Well Warwick is pissed. He has done some serious sucking up to get this deal with the King of France and now Edward has made him look like a complete dumbass. So he gets pissed. And what does he do? HE RIPPED EDWARD IV OFF THE THRONE. Warwick actually has two Kings in prison at once! He put Edward IV in prison then went and got Henry VI. Serious multi-tasking.

Unfortunately it didn't last long and Warwick had to let him out.

This guy is completely out of his mind with pissed off.  Warwick goes off and picks up Edward IV's brother Thomas and concocts a plan to put Thomas on the throne after marrying his daughter Isabel to Thomas. 

Edward doesn't care for that much and beats the crap out of Warwick's men---Warwick and Thomas promptly flee to France.

What do you mean I'm not King anymore!!! And where are my pants!?

And what does he do in France? He befriends Queen Margaret (who he has absolutely hated for 15 years---Warwick's father, uncle, brother and cousin had even been killed by Margaret's army at the Battle of Wakefield) and marries his daughter to her son (who grew up spending free time killing puppies with bows and arrows....that's not a joke) in hopes that his daughter'd be Queen of England once they get back to England.

The dude actually had two schemes going at the same time in the same boat with two potential Kings of England from two different sides of a civil war. SERIOUSLY. Badass crazy man with balls of steel!

Anyway.

Warwick and Margaret march on London, burst through the gates, get Henry VI out of prison (who thought he was a bird at the time and tried to fly away...I wish I was kidding) and slapped him back on the throne. Wham bam thank you ma'am.

AND IT ALMOST WORKED!!!
 

ye olde ouchie



The only thing that really stopped it was how completely Queen Margaret's complete stupidity. She completely underestimated how much she pissed off the English people---she hired Scottish mercenaries to fight for her (because she couldn't raise an army to save her soul) not knowing how much the English feared and hated the Scots. And since she was broke? She said "Oh, rape and pillage all the way to the battle site and we'll call it even...."

Well needless to say that pissed off the English people and swelled Edward IV's ranks considerably.

They met in pitched battle at the Battle of Barnet in 1471, where Warwick was killed by friendly fire by his own confused forces. He was whacked off his horse by a big arrow and got stepped on.

What a bummer way to go.

Still a awesome bad-guy though.