History 101: Taco Bell and It's Dubious Connection To Cortes

Wait....you wanted what you ordered? Oh. Huh.

I ate at Taco Bell recently and after getting half-way through my 3rd crunchy taco without realizing that the underpaid and probably stoned Taco Bell employee put cheese AND sour cream on my tacos (I'm 100% Western European and lactose intolerant...figure that out) and suddenly felt ill. As my stomach gurgled and bubbled I was suddenly struck by how much of a complete jerk Hernando Cortes was to the people of Mesoamerica.

Now, in popular culture Cortes doesn't really make much of an appearance (the most notable being in The Road to El Dorado).  However that doesn't really diminish his tool-ness.


yo ho ho!

 Cortes (or Cortez) started off his conquesting on the island of Hispanola (which is currently split into Haiti and Dominican Republic these days) being all in charge of Indian slaves making sugar. He got tired of that soon enough and joined an expedition to conquer Cuba and by 1511 (after recovering from syphilis...icky) had proceeded to make himself ridiculously rich. Unfortunately he was a cocky little butthead and proceeded to get on the bad side of the governor, Diego Velazquez by shacking up with his bodaciously beautiful daughter, Catalina (and one of her sisters, too). Whether it was being married or whatever he got tired of being head honcho on Cuba he decided "hey? How about I go massacre ANOTHER indigenous people? And steal their gold, wenches and bicycles?"

So Cortes put an expedition together with the help of Catalina's father (actually, Velazquez got pissed at Cortes at the last second and took back his offer--Cortes went anyway).

Ain't he handsome for a mass murderer?

 Cortes first landed in Veracruz. Here, Cortes began his incredibly effective strategy of allying himself with all the Indians in between him and wherever he's going. These all happen to be the enemies or belligerents of the Aztecs--basically a huge army of bullies. This was his scheme the entire way to the Aztec kingdom, building up his army as he went along. He also "converted" a great deal of these Indians (mostly so he could claim his expedition had to do with God, at least in part) and by converted I mean "be baptized or I kill you."

While in Veracruz a bunch of his men still loyal to Governor Velazquez tried to chicken out and sail back to Cuba. Cortes, ever the benevolent leader, burned his ships and sank them (all but one, which he had them drag really far inland so it was very hard to escape with) so they'd have no way to get home unless he decided. Nice guy.

While marching towards the Aztec Empire Cortes picked up another babe, whose name was Malinche, an Indian who just so happened to speak Maya and the Aztec language, Nahuatl (one of his men spoke Maya, who'd translate it into Spanish).  So hot chicka + interpreter = perfect girlfriend (they had a child together named Martin).

Anyway. The Aztec calendar at this time foretold of the return of a god (whose name I won't record here, since it has like 9 vowels in it) who was pale skinned and bearded. Well they (at first) thought Cortes was this god, which Cortes totally exploited.

Well they go out to conquer the Aztecs, which they do spectacularly. We're talking complete devastation. We're talking intrigue. Betrayal. Murder. Robbery. Hair Pulling. Shoe-lace tying together.

Cortes+Aztecs=not getting the security deposit back

You know. General Mayhem.

When the upper-level Aztecs very quickly realized Cortes might not be who he said he was, there was enough of a question among the people to enable Cortes to squeak in and wreak havoc. He basically played Desperate Housewives among the Aztecs, who were already predisposed to arguing amongst themselves. They saw Montezuma --the king of the Aztecs at this time--as weak because he didn't strike out against Cortes when he had the chance.
Trapped within the royal Aztec palace (made out of gold, btw) Cortes paraded Montezuma around the top floor in view of the mob outside in attempts to quell a rebellion that had popped up. The people stoned Montezuma to death and Cortes narrowly escaped to regroup and resupply outside the city.
He'd pick and chose whoever would get him the most gold (rather like Hollywood).

From jackass point A to jackass point B

And brought it to him. aaaaaand brought it to him.

Let's just say that Charles V of Spain (King of Spain during this time) was able to finance 15 years of wars in Europe (including the kidnapping of the Pope!) with the gold they got from the New World.

Hernando Cortes was not a nice man. He didn't even really do anything beyond start 500 years of really really not-niceness in what is now Mexico and Mesoamerica. Well. I guess that is starting something. Cortes was a tool but at least he was good at it!!!

History 101: Warwick the Kingmaker versus Tony Soprano--gangster-off or pie eating contest?



Thou talkest about vengeance?

I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.

Warwick didn't even make an offer. He just killed people. And you know what he did when you pissed him off? HE MADE YOU NOT KING ANYMORE. Could you imagine someone with that kind of power these days? Imagine Vito Corleone trying that crap. Warwick would just push the guy out of a castle window then continue eating his pork chops. Seriously.

 

Richard Neville was like the Donald Trump of the 1400s. As a young man he married the Paris Hilton of the era, the Lady Anne Beauchamp. Her father, Richard de Beauchamp, the Earl of Warwick (Richard was a popular name....like Joshua was in the late 90s) was a big shot in the monarchy at the time and her mother was a landed heiress. The Beauchamps were ridiculously wealthy and it was sheer luck that Richard Neville got in with the family when he did.

Now. This gets even better.  Anne Beauchamps' brother died, followed shortly after by Anne herself So the only son was Richard Beauchamps' son-in-law Richard Neville making him the Earl of Warwick. Warwick inherited a chunk of land from his family and his wife's family that is roughly the combined size of Greenville and Spartanburg counties, SC. That's like 1/4 of England. It made him a powerful person in the England at this time, where land=money.

Henry VI had a tendency to wander about in his underpants quoting the Bible to livestock



Now. Here's where the problems with people not knowing who they are dealing with come into play.  A rival contender for the Warwick lands was Edmund Beaufort, 1st Duke of Somerset who was also the King's cousin. He had married Richard de Beauchamp's daughter from a previous marriage and felt he deserved the lands more the Richard Neville did. In actuality they had about the same claim. Silly arguments are not constrained to name calling on Fox News. The problem is that Somerset was a favorite of the Queen and while King Henry VI was incapacitated (he was a crazy as hell--spent hours drooling on himself staring out the window before gallivanting around the castle in his pajamas and refusing to wear his crown) she ruled the roost. So naturally Neville's complaint was ignored.

Well. You don't ignore Neville. What do you do when someone pisses you off?

Raise an army. Duh.

Thou art a fat skank!

Warwick decided to change sides and join forces with another Richard (this time Richard of York) who was thoroughly annoyed with the way Henry VI was running things (or wasn't...because he was more interested in making sure church door hinges worked appropriately). That's also a very long story, but lets just say the whole basis of the War of the Roses amounts to someone saying someone else's claim to the throne was crap and they were a bad king so they should stop. The 1st Battle of St. Albans, Warwick's participation was crucial in winning--marks the first fight in a series of the War of the Roses a rivalry between two different groups of people (the York Family and the Lancaster family) in England from 1455-1485, which was more or less the medieval equivalent of a girlie fist-fight with some hair-pulling thrown in for good measure. 

Well anyway. The War of the Roses goes along at its interesting, twisty-turny pace and eventually York wins. Edward IV (York) is crowned in 1461 and Henry VI (Lancaster) is imprisoned in the Tower of London. His crazy ass wife Queen Margaret runs to France with her son the Prince of Wales. And here is where something very interesting happens.

 

Which babe would you pick if you were a dumb 22 year old king?

Things start to get...well....problematic for the Earl of Warwick, who was the poster child for control freaks everywhere. Edward IV kept refusing to marry his daughters to Earl of Warwick's brothers, which was a smack in the medieval face! On top of that the Earl of Warwick made a big fat deal with the Louis XI of France for Edward IV to marry Louis' sister-in-law, Bona of Savoy. Unfortunately....well. Edward IV was very romantic and a lady's man and well...he was King! So instead of running it by Warwick, Edward IV married a commoner named Elizabeth Woodville, who not only was older that Edward by 8 years but was also a widow with 3 grown sons who had a nasty habit of demanding the offices and titles that Warwick had worked so hard to fill with his own relatives.


NO THRONE FOR YOU!



AWKWARD!!!! Well Warwick is pissed. He has done some serious sucking up to get this deal with the King of France and now Edward has made him look like a complete dumbass. So he gets pissed. And what does he do? HE RIPPED EDWARD IV OFF THE THRONE. Warwick actually has two Kings in prison at once! He put Edward IV in prison then went and got Henry VI. Serious multi-tasking.

Unfortunately it didn't last long and Warwick had to let him out.

This guy is completely out of his mind with pissed off.  Warwick goes off and picks up Edward IV's brother Thomas and concocts a plan to put Thomas on the throne after marrying his daughter Isabel to Thomas. 

Edward doesn't care for that much and beats the crap out of Warwick's men---Warwick and Thomas promptly flee to France.

What do you mean I'm not King anymore!!! And where are my pants!?

And what does he do in France? He befriends Queen Margaret (who he has absolutely hated for 15 years---Warwick's father, uncle, brother and cousin had even been killed by Margaret's army at the Battle of Wakefield) and marries his daughter to her son (who grew up spending free time killing puppies with bows and arrows....that's not a joke) in hopes that his daughter'd be Queen of England once they get back to England.

The dude actually had two schemes going at the same time in the same boat with two potential Kings of England from two different sides of a civil war. SERIOUSLY. Badass crazy man with balls of steel!

Anyway.

Warwick and Margaret march on London, burst through the gates, get Henry VI out of prison (who thought he was a bird at the time and tried to fly away...I wish I was kidding) and slapped him back on the throne. Wham bam thank you ma'am.

AND IT ALMOST WORKED!!!
 

ye olde ouchie



The only thing that really stopped it was how completely Queen Margaret's complete stupidity. She completely underestimated how much she pissed off the English people---she hired Scottish mercenaries to fight for her (because she couldn't raise an army to save her soul) not knowing how much the English feared and hated the Scots. And since she was broke? She said "Oh, rape and pillage all the way to the battle site and we'll call it even...."

Well needless to say that pissed off the English people and swelled Edward IV's ranks considerably.

They met in pitched battle at the Battle of Barnet in 1471, where Warwick was killed by friendly fire by his own confused forces. He was whacked off his horse by a big arrow and got stepped on.

What a bummer way to go.

Still a awesome bad-guy though.

History 101: Why Edward I of England Kicked Medieval Buttock

Do not mess with me.

Ever see Braveheart? Remember the guy who goes "The problem with Scotland is......it's full of Scots."
Yeah that's Edward I.
Isn't he peachy?

Edward I or Edward "Longshanks" (he was tall) is a great character from medieval English History. He was also a royal douche.



"I conquered Wales and all I got was this crappy castle"

 For the first thing, the guy was mean. In the early parts of his reign were full of big fat wars with the Wales and Scotland. After thoroughly beating the crap out of the Welsh Princes and claiming Wales for the Kingdom of England, the people of wales demanded one their own people to be their governing lord. Edward announced he had already selected such a man, one who "did not speak a word of English." He promptly produced his 9 month old son, who obviously couldn't speak at all yet and thus decried him as the Prince of Wales. The eldest son of the monarch has held that title since then.

Then, Edward turned his attentions to Scotland. And not to spoil things for you but Edward's nickname was Scottorum Malleus ---"Hammer of the Scots"
Now Eddie didn't immediately invade; he needed a reason to use up what would invariably be a lot of money. No, the reason Edward really got involved at all was that the Scots themselves literally asked for it. Two competing houses in Scotland were vying for the throne and Edward (as the unbiased King of England...psh) was selected to mediate. He gave it to the highest bidder, which happened to be a gentleman named John Balliol --who basically said to Edward "if you make me King I'll say you rock harder than me, I'll do homage to you as my higher King"--medieval feudal system at it's best.

Well the main problem with this is John Balliol wasn't overly popular with the Scottish people. He was weak and pretty much after his ascension was Edward's plaything. The Scots resented Edward I "requesting" their participation in his attempts to regain England's lands in France (lost by Edward's father, Henry III and Grandfather King John of Robin Hood fame). So they rebelled, naturally. Well, Edward didn't like that. So he beat the crap out of them, took their ceremonial coronation stone--the Stone of Scone--back to Westminster and crowned himself the King of Scotland.



Our Bad!

 By the way? That stone wasn't returned to Scotland until 1999, 700 years after the fact. Go England.

Anyway. Things effectively quieted down long enough for Edward I to go back to England to kick the Jews out of the country for good. Yeah they had this nasty habit of loaning the English money and then expecting it to be paid back on time with the pre-agreed interest. Silly heads. Well Edward got tired of that and made usury illegal (usury is charging money on a loan) thus giving him grounds to rape, pillage, murder and steal from the Jews BEFORE he kicked them off his island.
Again, go England.

Well anyway a little white later Scotland was getting all pissed off about England kicking them in the shins all the time, stealing their lunch money and generally causing mayhem in their country. A little guy by the name of William Wallace was sick of getting his hair pulled by the English Barons squatting in his country, levying extremely unfair taxes and basically being pains in the butt. So he and a few of his friends (2000 or so) beat the absolute crap out 9000-12000 English led by the Earl of Surrey at the Battle of Stirling Bridge.



Watch out for that----awww....

 And the English were all like WHAT!? You can't do that!!! Scots suck at orderly maneuvers in battle!

Oh ho ho. But Wallace was all like "That's what YOU thought!" Wallace was a brilliant military tactician who had figured out that the Scots' problem lay not in the bravery, skill or numbers but in their inability to form any sort of partnership amongst themselves. The Scots had this nasty habit of being more loyal to their individual clans or close family groups than their military or governmental leaders (who'd blame them really, most of them were douches). So while they may stick together for a while, eventually someone would call someone else a name (funny enough, that's not a joke, that would happen) and someone would leave in a huff (meaning they'd cut their head off).



Well that's just mean...

 Well Wallace, at least for the short time before he was caught, convicted and executed was able to draw the people of Scotland together against the English in Scotland. The Scots were masters of guerrilla tactics, throwing off the often heavily armored English forces they encountered by popping out at inopportune moments (imagine going to the potty in a suit of armor...eech). But they really avoided pitched battle until the Battle of Falkirk. This, the largest battle on open ground (and the last Wallace fought on open ground, because they lost--quick learner) was lost to the Scots because of their inability to defend against the viciously effective English Archers. Despite this loss, Wallace continued to kick butt until---surprise surprise--another Scot stabbed him in the back and he was captured by the English. He was hung until barely conscious, disemboweled while still alive and watched his own entrails be thrown on a fire. He was then beheaded. After that his body was chopped into four pieces: a piece taken to four different cities in Scotland, the head stuck on a pike on the Tower of London.

Nice. Who the hell comes up with these methods of execution? Seriously.

So yeah. Edward I was a tool. Granted, it was under him that the first Parliament was formed with a real elected House of Commons (kinda) and yeah he was a great military leader and all that.

Still a tool.

Assassin's Creed 2: A Geek Love Story

Lets let it all hang out. I am going to tell you something that shall shock you, ladies and gentlemen.

I.......am a dork.

Not only am I dork in my spare time but I am also in the process of earning a bachelor's degree in being a dork in order to obtain a master's degree in being a dork thereby cementing a prospective profession in being a dork.

yummy. brain food.

So. Shockingly, I absolutely positively adore the Assassin's Creed games.

Assasin's Creed 2 takes place roughly 200 years after the first game...circa 1480s; the main character (a later descendant of the character Altair in the previous game set during the 3rd crusade period in Palestine---circa 1180s AD) and still ancestor of Desmond Miles is Ezio Auditore, a Florentine nobleman.

Ok. So let me say this as simply as I can.

Buy this game. Go home. Take 3 days off work and school. Stock up on cheezits and diet coke. Don't go outside. Pee in a cup.

Oh Ezio

The game is that good.

I. love. this game.

Lots of tasks. Find stuff. Kill stuff. Conspiracy. Murder. Flying guys in cool clothes. Weapons. Masks. Ladies. Popes. Oh. Yeah.

On top of that?

Historically. Accurate. let me say that again. ITS HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.

You are actually in Florence, Venice, and Tuscany. It makes me tingly! You meet (perfectly gay, btw) Leonardo Da Vinci. Seriously.

A vast improvement in style, control and task orientation from the first game, which was also incredibly entertaining.  Tons of stuff to do, you're never bored or stuck doing something inane constantly. You also feel thoroughly immersed and the AI is almost perfect.

I can't wait until the newest one comes out. Seriously.