Sucker Punch: A Reprieve



I realize that I have not posted since last November but upon hearing the myriad of sad, confused and just plain angry feelings geared toward the film Sucker Punch I felt compelled to speak.

For your Reading Pleasure: Sucker Punch: A Reprieve

directed and written by Zach Snyder

The film stars Emily Browning (oldest kid in Lemony Snickett or the little ghost kid from Ghost Ship) as Babydoll, Vanessa Hudgens (annoying "meek" lead in High School Musical) as Blondie, Jenna Malone (character actress, most recognizable as the chick who ferried Jude Law before getting shot in Cold Mountain, or as Lydia Bennett in the Pride & Prejudice with Kiera Knightly) as Rocket, Abbie Cornish (Elizabeth: The Golden Age, she's the one who Clive Owen knocks up) as Sweet Pea, Jamie Chung (nothing much...she was on the Real World: San Diego though) as Amber, Carla Gugino (Mom from Spy Kids) as Dr. Vera Gorski/Madam Gorski, Oscar Isaac (King John from Russell Crowe Robin Hood) as Blue Jones/Orderly Guy and Scott Glenn (among dozens of awesome roles, best known for Jodi Foster's FBI bossguy in Silence of the Lambs or one of the CIA guys in the Bourne Ultimatum) as Wise Man.

 

from left: Sweet Pea, Rocket, Babydoll, Blondie and Amber. The gentleman is Wise Man



The film opens with a voiceover explaining that one never knows when angels are going to come and help you.

Sucker Punch tells the story of a young woman (referred to as Babydoll) framed for murdering her sister by her stepfather, who has her committed to a mental institution where she will be lobotomized in five days (meaning having the frontal bone of your skull punctured with a big spike, effectively turning you into a vegetable....it was still in common practice until the late 70s, btw).  She enters the asylum where it quickly becomes clear after her stepfather speaks to an orderly about forging documents to get her lobotomized. The resident pyschologist as this asylum is Dr. Vera Gorski (Gugino) whose method of treating patients is having them reenact their fears on a large stage.

Side Note: I heard someone complaining recently that "that stepfather would never be able to have her checked into the asylum. thats ridiculous. this movie is stupid." And I do agree that her stepfather would not be able to commit her.  But no one argued when Snyder made Xerxes like 20 feet tall in 300. Its a movie people....sheesh. 

Now here we have the first instance of people going WELL HOLY CRAP THIS MOVIE SUCKS

Take a breath. We'll get through this together.

As Babydoll is watching Dr. Gorksi work the whole asylum melts away and transforms into a brothel. 

Now go with me. 

 

As it becomes understood in the brothel/dream, the mental patients/hookers are required to dance in order to be selected by their s, on a stage that mirrors the one in the asylum we just left. The lobotomy-giving orderly is now the pimp, Blue Jones and the Psychologist Dr. Gorksi is now Madam Gorksi. 

Gugino as Madam Gorksi and Isaacs as Blue Jones

Side Note #1 (get used to these side notes)
So. Yes. This is symbolism and it is also a dream within a dream (everyone looooooved Inception).  The young women are "dancing" in the dream-brothel but in reality they are performing their craziness in the real life asylum. Get it?

Now Babydoll has not had any dialogue up until this point.  But as the Brothel delusion continues (we will not return to the asylum until the end of the film), it becomes clear that within 5 days a "high roller" will arrive to take Babydoll away, an obvious reference to the lobotomy, thus reminding us they are connected. We are introduced to the rest of the cast, most importantly Rocket and Sweet Pea, who are a pair of sisters.  Babydoll saves Rocket from being raped/killed for stealing chocolate from the cook. 



I know I sound like Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle....but listen...

 Babydoll is forced to dance after a brief pep talk from Dr. Gorksi telling her (forgive my paraphrase here, it was actually a pretty good speech considering) "we must fight, you have it inside you. The Battle starts now....fight for survival." 
 Babydoll begins to dance (or rather sway) and the scenery behind her melts away into this crazy big dojo and thus we get the first crazy awesome battle scene!

Side Note #2 Now I will say this. I have yet to hear someone complain about the fight scenes beyond their "fakeness." Seriously? If you hear someone say that stop being friends with them.  As a child that person probably refused to play cowboys and indians because "they weren't really indians, but native Americans."  ITS A CUTE GIRL KILLING A DEMON/SAMURAI WITH A MINI GUN. STFU!!!

Here we meet the Wise Man.  Basically the Mr. Miagi for Babydoll and her friends, he explains to Babydoll that she needs five things to escape: a knife, fire, a key, a map and a sacrifice. 

Hatori who?

Side Note #3 Glenn totally steals these scenes with his Wise Man. He is channeling some serious David Caradine Legend of the Iron Master here with his altruistic sayings like: "For those who fight for it, life has a flavor that those who don't will never know."  I love fortune cookie crap, seriously. 
 

 Soon after this scene Babydoll becomes incensed to free herself and the other ladies from their prison at the brothel.  Sweet Pea reluctantly agrees to help but only because Rocket (who has bonded with Babydoll after cook problem) talks her into it.

  The ladies then go on a burglary spree, stealing the things they need to escape.  Each time they steal something off the list, Babydoll dances (her dances cause those watching to lapse into a trance) to distract people while the other ladies go get the stuff.  However once the dance/dream/kick ass sequence begins all the ladies are fighting together in this pseudo-war zone-fantasy/scifi/awesomeness mashup.



Dragon v. Airplane!!!! OMG!!

 Dream 1) Babydoll fights Samurai guys-->awesome
Dream 2) Everyone against Steam-powered WWI German zombies. It was awesome. Lots of guns(from of course wrong era), robots vs bi-planes, zombies, stabbing, angry Germans and an awesome soundtrack.
Dream 3) fighting a dragon with airplanes and swords. its awesome
Dream 4) getting a bomb off of a moving train, fighting crazy Asimov-esque robots

Side Note #4 Now what I find funny is that a lot of people are complaining because of how unrealistic these sequences are. seriously? its a robot fighting a bi-plane. why do you care? I don't think Snyder cared. I think he wanted an awesome fight and a chance to create some beautiful (albeit overthetop) images.  I think these sequences are meant to be fantastical in order to remind the audience that they are imagined and that the fight they represent is difficult.  Babydoll is fighting a battle here, but she is also dancing in an imagined brothel that is really an asylum.

As a bit of a cinemotography/CGI geek I truly appreciate the effort with which Snyder uses CGI to create his films.  Sucker Punch will never be accused of being an ugly film. 

Here is where spoilers begin, so page down if you don't want to know.

Spoiler Zone:
 Broads just keep getting killed. Rocket gets stabbed and dies, meaning Sweet Pea flips out and gets stuffed in a closet.  Blondie tattles and she gets shot for being a snitch.  Amber gets shot for stealing the knife. 
Babydoll is spared because Blue Jones needs to sell her. As Blue Jones is leaning in to be all like "I'm the gross scary bad guy" she stabs him and steals his key.  She then runs and frees Sweet Pea.  They create a fire for diversion since it will open all the doors (as made clear by a sign focused on during the asylum sequence).

I was literally bouncing in my chair and clapping my hands

They get just outside before a huge group of tall tough guys make it apparent that there is no way to sneak past.  Babydoll goes...wow. Now I get it. I need to make a sacrifice.  Me. I save someone. I save you Sweet Pea. So Babydoll goes up and kicks a guy in the crotch while Sweet Pea gets away.

We fade back to the asylum and see a mirror of the destruction incurred at the brothel (burned walls, cook missing a knife etc.).  Babydoll receives her lobotomy, but not before Gorski figures out that the orderly (Isaacs) has been forging her signatures. 

That same orderly is caught red-handed and arrested while attempting to rape the now vegetaized Babydoll, while screaming "I take care of them, their my girls" (a mirror to what Blue Jones yelled before killing Amber and Blondie). The last scene is Sweet Pea getting on a bus (driven by Wise Man) and going off into the sunset.

S
p
o
i
l
e
r
s
z
z
z
z

Ok its safe from Spoilers

Confused?
I was too. But I sat and thought about it. 
Here's my thought: 

Sweeeeeeet Pea....gun......*want gun drool*

At the beginning it is Sweet Pea's voice talking about meeting an angel that saves your life.  Thats why Babydoll does not have dialogue until she reaches the asylum.  This story is Sweet Pea's, not Babydolls. Babydoll is blond and blue eyed, a virgin (as the movie points out), brave and kind; all these make reference to the "angels" mentioned in the film's initial voiceover.  

The fight scenes Babydoll slides into are manifestations of the "you must fight!" that Madam/Dr. Gorski has given her.  They aren't meant to be real!! They are merely the product of her imagination!

  If you think of the movie in this context, with the addition of crazy Babydoll lapsing into her dream sequence for fighting zombies, the movie begins to not only make sense...but then relief washes over you....and you go "wow....that was actually a pretty good movie....heh..."

In all honesty I really detest movies where the symbolism is apparent. But to be fair I didn't really have a problem with that in Sucker Punch.  There was something about the obvious-ness about that made it mix well with the over-the-top silliness of what was on screen. 



I'm all out of thin mints.
I brought this sword instead.



People who don't like this movie at least a little bit are really thinking too hard.  Yeah the dialogue was at times a little silly and of course the *insert sex here* mentality for acquiring ticket sales is a little obnoxious but there is something of message beneath the blood, smut and LCD-y graphics. 

Sucker Punch is about fighting.  Fighting Zombies. Fighting Dragons. Fighting Robots. Fighting and never giving up.

Side Note #5-->The soundtrack for this film is amazing. Emily Browning actually sings a huge chunk of the songs, rather than HSM veteran Vanessa Hudgens--I find this amusing.  Covers of The Smiths, The Beatles, Bjork, Eurythmics, Queen among others.

 katetheflake out!!

Walking Dead TV Series: First Two Episodes Reviewed IN A VIDEO!! YAY!

Enjoy ladies and gents!

Comment at the bottom!

Favorite Friday: Halloween aka the Best Holiday

First off, let me tell all of you readers out there that I am sorry for missing tactical Tuesday this week. I have about 4 papers due and as we speak I am relishing a certain amount of procrastination to share with you my treatise on Halloween. Furthermore, the next few weeks may contain a rather....sporadic....amount of posts, but bear with me, once school is out I'll be posting constantly due to boredom.

Anywho.

A Treatise on Halloween's Awesomeness

I'm weird. I like skeletons. I don't look away when they draw blood from my arm. I read ghost stories. I like gore and guts and big scary men with weird faces stabbing people. I like tinkly scary music. I enjoy cool crisp air augmented with the smell of burning leaves. I adore apple cider. I enjoy having an excuse to cuddle on the couch because I'm scared of the movie. My house is notorious for its kick ass candy selection. Cinnamon, nutmeg and pumpkin are some of my preferred spices. I like having nighttime longer than daytime. I relish being able to be outside for more than five minutes without getting a mosquito bite.

What does this add up to, ladies and gentlemen?

Halloween Rocks. End of Class. 

Still here? Oh. Well I guess I better give you some notes. 

Now let me get this across as simply and as organized as possible.

5 Reasons Why Halloween should take up half the calendar rather than Christmas:

1) Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins
2) Shopping is Fun
3) It's Nice Outside
4) Something for Everyone
5) Good Clean Fun

1) Have any of you people ever had a Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkin? No? What is wrong with you? No, really. I'm genuinely asking. Because for those who have not discovered the sublime pleasure that is a Peanut Butter Pumpkin, I feel sorry for them. I feel that I must bring them a Pumpkin, unwrap it and feed it to them gently, explaining that yes they will now become one of us.  Okay, creepiness aside, allow me to explain. Once a year for about 2-3 months Reese's makes their Peanut Butter Cups in the shape of a pumpkin. Now what, you may ask, does that change? EVERYTHING. Now almost everyone has had a Reese's peanut butter cup in some way or another. When you bite into one, you are greeted with a snap on top and on bottom with a sublime peanut center, yes? Well, look at the pumpkin. It's a great deal larger than a cup, obviously. But it also NOT cup shaped. This is crucial. The pumpkin is made by making a peanut butter paste that is thicker than the peanut butter in the cup, because they add more peanuts to it. MEANING?! The pumpkin has more peanutty goodness! And on top of this, the peanut butter/chocolate ratio is higher, e.i. more peanut butter than chocolate. It's a creamy, delectable delight for anyone who is as much of a peanut butter fiend as I am.

 

Halloween shopping is not like this. This...is evil



2) Shopping during Halloween isn't stressful. It's FUN! What do you shop for during Halloween? Candy, Costumes and Decorations. It's chill. It's quiet. And most of the time you're surrounded by people who are as weird if not weirder than you are so there is little societal pressure to compete. Even if you wait until the last minute to buy a costume, the hustle and bustle of a costume shop is more to hurry towards a fun party or something instead of "I NEED THAT TOY SO MY DAUGHTER WILL KNOW I LOVE HER." It's a childlike enthusiasm to have fun and therefore---at least in my mind---its more genuine and worthwhile. The shopping season (which all things considered couldn't mean anything else but Christmas) for other holidays simply can't compete with Halloween.

......

3) Look outside. It is 72 degrees outside. There is a slight breeze that rustles through the autumn leaves that have just really started to fall to the ground in earnest. The sun is surrounded by a seemingly everlasting robin's egg blue sky. As daylight eases into night the crisp smell of forthcoming cold surrounds you. Leaves crackle and whisper as a chilly breeze blows. A toasty fire sounds like a good idea to you. Maybe wearing socks to bed or having a cup of warm cinnamon or pumpkin flavored beverage. No longer present is the incessant buzz of insects or the near constant chirp of birds. Instead the rustle to and fro of squirrels is all you hear, running up and across tree limbs securing fodder and lodging for when the temperature drops further. Pumpkins begin to appear everywhere: gas stations, grocery stores, porch steps and hay bales. You find an curious desire to carve one into a face, make it leer or grin at unsuspecting children. Skeletons laugh from trees and flower beds. Witches hang from tree limbs and bed sheet ghosts are draped over bushes and hedges. Cider sounds delicious now. And pies being to materialize on counters everywhere; pumpkin, pecan, apple and sweet potato.

This is why Halloween rocks.

4) There is something for everyone. This time of year is full of media based around the ever present spooky elements of this time of year. And not just movies or even just scary movies! Books, music, haunted houses, costume parties, movies, TV shows. The element of fun is inescapable. To be truthful, you'd really have to hate so many different things at once to not enjoy Halloween. Scary movies? Candy? Reading? Music? Haunted Houses? Dressing up? Watching movies or TV? Come on. Furthermore, the content and quality of the media associated with this holiday is nigh unmatchable with any other holiday during the year. Christmas is probably the only holiday that would even come close and to be honest with you, those kinds of movies only really appeal to the people who celebrate Christmas. Jews, agnostics, and atheists could feasibly enjoy Halloween and/or any of the aforementioned media, whereas these groups most likely would refrain from becoming too embroiled in any Christmas related media. Halloween has something for everyone!

5) Now. When I say "Good Clean Fun" I'm guessing that most would either question my meaning or tell me outright that I am mistaken. Allow me to clarify.  The business of Halloween really has to do with enjoying the ability to be someone, somewhere or something else for a short while. Whether or not it's scared out of your pants in a haunted house or dressed up as the Lady GaGa for the neighborhood Halloween party, you get to step outside the normal for a time and enjoy yourself. That's all Halloween really is regardless of age. Some people may point out that ladies costumes have become "sexified" in past years and that horror movies contain large amounts of violence etc. And I agree but you're taking them out of context. Are the people watching horror movies people who would normally go around killing others in grotesque manners? No, of course not---THAT'S THE POINT! These films are escapist entertainment people. Meant to send adrenaline coursing through veins before ENDING. The End!! It's vicarious terror that has a time and place somewhere other than your living room. As for the sexy costumes, those are being worn by adults who do adult things. If you don't like the idea of dressing up as a sexy nurse, don't. But remember, costumes make you into someone else, at least for a while. I happen to think that the people who don those particular styles of costumes are attempting, at least somewhere deep inside to be something other than themselves or perhaps bring out a hidden part of themselves in a safe environment where EVERYONE is someone they aren't normally.

Well there you go, people. Enjoy your holiday because unfortunately these days Halloween and Thanksgiving rarely get more than a passing glance before the looming season of Christmas begins. Be safe and HAVE FUN!

I have to mention the pumpkins again...watch this video.

Favorite Friday: 28 Days Later

 Jello-O and Zombies.....lets discuss.

     I like apocalypse. I like that show "Life After People" on the History Channel. I like The Road by Cormac McCarthy (haven't seen the movie yet, but will ASAP). I like Planet of the Apes and The Road Warrior. I could live in the Thunderdome. I want to be Tank Girl. I liked Waterworld (yeah, don't hold it against me). Wall-E makes me tingly.


I love this cover

     But why? For me, there is just something so innately fascinating about viewing the world through the lens of destruction. I'm addicted to imagining what would happen to the world if society went kaput. When I watch these films I feel prepared, justified and safe. Like I somehow know something that other people don't. I prefer zombies films where society has already crumbled. Past the chaos and onto living on scavenged cat food and making weapons out of old car parts.

     So.



FAVORITE FRIDAY: 28 DAYS LATER

     I know this isn't a zombie movie (yes it is) because director Danny Boyle has constantly told everyone that is not a zombie movie (but it is). That being said, it is the most zombie-like post-apocalyptic movie about sick people who transfer their sickness (very zombie-like...because it is) to others.

     Okay kidding aside, this technically isn't a zombie movie. Not really. These bad-guys are really just very very sick people. They aren't killed and then reanimate. They die when you shoot them in the chest. They starve to death. They bleed out etc.  They also don't eat people. They just get angry and express it in a very rude way.



left to right, Gleeson, Murphy and Harris



     28 Days Later follows a group of people who after 4 weeks following the initial outbreak are seemingly the remaining survivors of an extremely contagious epidemic that has struck the United Kingdom. The virus, unlike anything ever seen before causes those afflicted (they are referred to as "the infected", never the "z-word") to become as so succinctly put at the beginning of the film "infected with rage." The disease is instantly contagious and the only cure is death.

     Jim (Cillian Murphy, Scarecrow from Batman Begins) wakes up from a coma alone in a hospital. As he wanders the streets, he is set upon by Selena (Naomie Harris, scary voodoo lady from Pirates of the Caribbean) whom he joins forces with and eventually Frank (Brendan Gleeson, Menelaus (Helen's hubby) from Troy) and his daughter Hannah. Together they travel across country towards the promise of safety. Without revealing too much, they meet trouble in the form of infected and not infected persons.

All alone.....

    But the reason I like this film so much is that it is personal.  The setting is real. Society has been rushed into evacuation and quarantine. Is that so hard to believe possible? Could a disease like that spring up somehow in the world? In the United States? To us? Oh yes. That makes it scary. You look out the window when you watch this movie, looking for furious red eyes.



that's just funny

 I know I said I was scared of zombies. But my fear somehow makes what these characters are going through much more real. I feel for them when they share moments of despair. I understand a father wearing riot gear to protect his kids. The confusion, anger and terror. You meet so many different crazy end of the world kind of people. Despairing people. "Screw it lets do this" people. Funny people. Good people. Really bad people.

And it's funny! There are moments of quaint pleasure found in the simple act of eating peaches after months of soda and snack cakes. A soldier running away screaming like a girl while an infected chases him down a hallway. The pure zit-popping pleasure of a bad guy getting exactly what he deserves. A guy getting smacked over the head for fear of him biting a girl when he was actually kissing her. Slapstick end-of-the-world humor. Awesomeness.
Great down-played carnage and special effects coupled with truly scary infected persons. Their eyes are what get me. *shudder* It reveals what really scares us...ourselves! Real people scare us! OMG!



spoooky eyes!

 And yet. And yet. There is a depth to this film that as you watch it over and over again you find yourself seeing a different film each time. You notice different layers of destruction, toys laying in the mud, good-bye letters that you were too distracted to notice. Lines so simple:

"Infected with what!?"
"....Rage."

So simple. So effective.

And it is rage that is explored here, not zombies. Rage is what is so fascinating. It's not evil here that has filled these people. It's not a flesh-hungry violent zombie virus like in Dawn of the Dead. This a war movie. It's people killing people. It's just hyper-concentrated. Rage is a human thing. Animals don't get mad (to be specific I think they just really scared because they're scared). Plants don't get mad. Yes.

28 Days Later can be taken on two levels. A scary zombie-like movie full of action, suspense, gore and drama. Or as a treatise on the human condition by putting people in the worst of situations and seeing what happens.

Watch it alone or with people. It's like the Jell-O of scary zombie-esque movies. And there is always room for Jell-O.

Favorite Friday: Shaun of the Dead

   Ladies and Gentlemen: SHAUN OF THE DEAD

It's come to my attention that my favorites have become a little top heavy with the attractive undead and kickass living. So I've decided to even it out a bit with extremely unattractive undead, mostly to go with the upcoming Halloween season.



 

Funny as Hell



  I belong to a little group known as Zombiephobic's Anonymous or ZA.

Okay so that's a lie. There is no such thing as Zombiephobic's Anonymous or if there is it is so anonymous I don't know about it.

Anyway....as a young human I went through a phase where anything that remotely looked like a zombie scared the living crap out of me. This coupled with an overactive anxiety organ somewhere in my extremely irrational brain led me to hiding survival kits in the bathrooms of my house (and other people's houses....yeah I was weird). Part of my rehabilitation (coupled with a year of therapy) was a slow introduction into zombie media by my ever patient, zombie-snob of a boyfriend Patrick.

There's a point to this, I promise.

One of the earliest movies I could really stand was Shaun of the Dead. 

For some reason the combination of ridiculously amusing comedy and gory zombie flick didn't scare me. And ever since I have truly enjoyed the film.

  The reason zombie aficionados and regular movie-goers alike love Shaun of the Dead is because of the writing acumen and zombie-tastic obsession of those who created the film.


Yeah those are brain cupcakes


   It's like eating a cupcake made by a person who both is a great chef and really really loves cupcakes.

  The main character is a 28-year-old aimless department store salesmen named Shaun (Simon Pegg, who also co-wrote the script) whose personal troubles involving girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield), stepfather Philip (Bill Nighy), roommate Pete (Peter Serafinowicz, who voiced Darth Maul in Star Wars Phantom Menace) and best friend Ed (Nick Frost) coincide with the sudden onslaught of legions of the undead. He must save the people he loves and get his shit together all the while avoiding flesh-hungry zombies. It's like a funny Hugh Grant movie. With Zombies.



I'd kill the hipster zombies first



   First things first. The movie is just plain funny. The deft handling of comedic timing coupled with perfectly delicious gore and violence leaves one giggling constantly between groans of grossed out pleasure. It's witty comment plus gross out moment consistently keeping you entertained by double-teaming you with gore, violence, slapstick (or slap cricket bat) and sarcastic comments.

What makes the film even better is that its a zombie movie for REGULAR PEOPLE. We don't have Uzis and RPGs and tricked-out chain saws. We have cue sticks! We have bats! We scream like a girl when one-armed undead assailants enter our living room! As I watch this film it is like I know these people. You should know them too!!We all know a pretentious douche like "Pete" or a nice-guy lazy bum like "Shaun" or a stupid childish "Ed." But it is this familiarity that draws us into this film and makes it a zombie movie for the people, by the people. It's like the United States of Undead. It takes the movie to another level. Rooting for the dumb stoner character who knows how to survive from video games or revelling when the annoyingly bitchy guy gets eaten takes the film from "scary escapist entertainment" to "pleasantly gross roller coaster ride with some of your best friends." 



Um....Shaun....there are...oh you'll figure it out...



   Beyond its simple premise, the movie is both an homage to zombie films and a part of what has become the Zombie Renaissance in the last 6 years. It represents a culmination of a serious reinterest in zombie media that over the past few years has blossomed back into the spotlight (most zombie-snobs look down on those who have recently fallen for zombie movies. I roll my eyes at them because of their snootiness).  Zombies never really went away, they instead just fell away from the main spotlight. Shaun of the Dead is part of what brought zombies back into that spotlight.

  Shaun of the Dead is full of references to horror works spanning the last 6 decades including 28 Days Later (voice on the radio talks about rabid monkeys, referencing this film), Dawn of the Dead, An American Werewolf in London (the grocery store Shaun gets ice cream from is called "Landis" after John Landis, the movie's director) just to name a few. I mean come on...Romero liked this movie so much that he had Simon Pegg and the director Edgar Wright cameo in his movie Land of the Dead.

There are so many cameos that every time I watch it I see someone else who looks familiar and I end up googling it until I figure out who they were. So I was completely floored when I spotted this fellow in the back.

Yeah that's Chris Martin of Coldplay right there on the right hand side, blue jeans and gray shirt. Tee hee.

  As someone who really hasn't been immersed in zombie movies (I refuse to watch Cannibal Holocaust, since I KNOW it will give me nightmares) this movie is completely enjoyable for anyone, not just someone seeking out pop culture references or zombie-political-correctness (you zombie snobs and your "zombie rules"). If you just want to watch a HORROR MOVIE or a COMEDY or a HORROR COMEDY or a ZOMBIE COMEDY this film suits all those needs perfectly well.

I think that you should see this movie.

Enough said. Go forth, young people. Enjoy the gore. I give you my blessing!



Tactical Tuesday: Your Butt and How to Save It



rut wro!

 After receiving a wonderful suggestion from one of my readers (thanks brothers Judge!) I have done some necessary research to better inform the public on how to better protect themselves from Zombies.

Today's Topic? Personal Wellness and its effect on Zombie Protection.






  TACTICAL TUESDAY: YOUR BUTT AND HOW TO SAVE IT

1) Diet
2) Hydration
3) Cardio
4) Hygiene
5) Your Brain

1) Diet
   Ok so here we go. Human Beings are Omnivores meaning that in order to obtain all the necessary vitamins, minerals, protein andetc we need to eat a variety of food stuffs--unlike cows who only need vegatation or lions who only need meat. What you should focus on primarily is getting as much of a variety as possible. Don't just go for the carbohydrates. Don't just go for protein. Grab whatever you can but make sure that once the shelves get bare you are finding sources of the nutrients that you need, even if they are in unusual places.
   Protein is the most important. A half-cup of beans has as much protein as 3oz of broiled steak. Soy milk is a great source of protein in drinkable form that doesn't spoil or need refrigeration like regular milk until the package is opened. Also remember that protein is not stored in the fat like carbohydrates are---once you stop eating them or don't eat enough of them your body starts breaking down muscle mass to make up for the difference. Your hair will fall out, followed by fingernails and eventually you will become very very weak. The amount of protein your body needs just to function daily is your body weight in pounds multiplied by .37. If there's a choice at the beginning of the apocalypse? Stock up on protein sources and eat them sparingly.

Surprisingly, fast food isn't good for you. Tasty though.

   Vitamins and Minerals are also really important. Most people in the United States don't realize how lucky they are to not suffer from vitamin deficiencies. Broccoli and red peppers are actually higher in vitamin C than oranges. Also beware of vitamin supplements. There are different kinds of vitamins, fat-soluable (you don't pee out extra) and water-soluable (you pee out extra). There is a real possibility of overdosing on fat-soluable vitamins like A, D, E, and K. Overdosing on these vitamins can lead to several different debilitating illnesses, all of which are avoidable if one simply reads the bottle in which the supplements are found. Also---your body makes vitamin D every time you go out in the sunshine--just 15 minutes outside in bright sunshine with some bare skin exposed will give you enough vitamin D. Also remember to enjoy some Iodized Salt on occasion (which I'm sure won't be a problem with all the preserved food--made with salt, but check the packaging). Iodine is a necessity, especially in protecting your thyroid gland in the event of a nuclear explosion (most people who get cancer from radiation get thryoid cancer or something similar). Iodized salt is salt with Iodine in it, which supplements our diet.

   Bottom Line: Think with your brain, not your stomach. Eat what's good for you when you can. Make sure it's not spoiled, then stuff your face while you can.



Even Zombies need to hydrate

 2) Hydration
   I cannot stress enough how important it is to ingest enough water. Water is what your blood is made of, it protects your brain, heart and other organs. It makes digestion possible. When you feel hungry, most of the time you are actually thirsty. The best way to tell if you are hydrated is not if you feel thirsty...its how much you pee. Another job water performs in your body is to flush out all the bad stuff in your blood, lymphatic, and endocrine systems so that you pee it out. The ideal amount of pee a person should output is right around 6 cups a day. So in order to replace this you should try to ingest somewhere around 8 eight-ounce cups of water or other beverages a day. Now I will say this....it doesn't have to be WATER. It has to be a non-caffinated, non-alcoholic beverage.  Caffiene and Alcohol are natural diuretics, which means they tell your body to kick out more water than it normally would, thus dehydrating you! If you have to drink a caffinated beverage make sure you supplement it with extra water.

   Bottom Line: Drink at least 64 ounces of water a day and you'll be set!



WHAAAAAAAAA!!! *puff puff* WHAAAAA!!!!!

 3) Cardio--DON'T SKIP THIS YOU LAZY BUMS!
   Cardio or Aerobic Exercise are exercises geered toward strengthening the heart muscle and the lungs into better transporting blood and oxygen to the body. Exercises like jogging, swimming, stationary bike (my favorite!!), rowing, cross-country skiing are some examples. Any exercise that puts you in a constant state of motion for more than 20 minutes.  The focus is not on strength-training and muscle-building but on endurance and respiratory fitness.  Cardio is important because once the Apocalypse arrives you will probably spend a decent amount of time evading people and zombies attempting to kill you. You will find this difficult if you have a stitch in your side and your leg muscles are seized up because your heart is not strong enough to send oxygen-laden blood to your extremities fast enough.  Cardio is not hard to fit into your lifestyle. Just do somethings that get your heart-rate up for more than 20 minutes. Don't like running? Speed-walk with weights on your ankles! Hot outside? Do laps in the pool for 20 minutes! Treadmill taken at the gym? Try the nordic track! As long as your heart-rate is up and you've got a nice sweat going you're doing it right---just keep doing it for a least 20 minutes for 3 times a week!
  
   Bottom Line: Move now while you're not being chased by legions of the undead!

4) Cleanliness
   As a female I take pride in my personal....aroma. I make sure that I don't stink and keep my body very very clean. Men, as a species, have less of a tendency to maintain their physical cleanliness. Soap is your friend. Women are more susceptable to infections of their....areas then men are---but that doesn't mean that men can't get them. Candidiasis (Yeast Infection) can occur anywhere on the body, but often occurs where there are folds of skin that are kept wet, warm and dirty for longer periods of time. Imagine walking around after the world comes to an end for months at a time without washing. Imagine all the areas...............that are dirty and begin to smell and need a wash.......funky-ness that leads to infections.....yeah you get my point. WASH OFTEN.

This could be you. Cut your damn hair you hippie

   Hair is very important to cleanliness and safety. Now, I have long hair. I look good with long hair. It also makes a good handle-----FOR THE UNDEAD!!!! The minute the apocalypse comes I'm getting a buzz cut. The long hair is also difficult to keep clean, stays wet over a long period of time and can affect my visibility and block my eyesight. I plan on sacrificing my vanity in order to save my life!
   Teeth are important. Getting an absess tooth--which occurs when your tooth decays below the gumline and the surround gumtissue gets infected. Eventually your tooth will fall out---which is painful but rarely fatal. Now to prevent this BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Toothaches also make it difficult to eat which is akin to clogging the fuel line on a car. No eat=get eaten by zombies. Tartar on your teeth is also linked to heart disease and various other illnesses. BRUSH YOUR TEETH DAMMIT! Even if it is just with a piece of paper or a twig from a tree.

Feed your Braaaaaaaaainss....

   Next up is your nails--keep them short but not too short. DO NOT BITE THEM. Your hands will be in very gross places and sticking them in your mouth will only increase your chances of getting ill. Keeping long nails also increases your chances of keeping dirt close to your food, which also increases your chances of getting ill. Also if you cut your nails too short there is a chance they could get infected and fall off. Which from personal experience is extremely painful.

  

   Bottom Line: Keep Your Butt Clean.

5) Your Brain

   Aside from being the main staple of the Zombie Diet, your brain is incredibly important to your survival because after the world comes to an end....THERE IS NO GOOGLE!!! You will have to survive on the power of your knowledge alone. With what you know now how do you think you'd fare? Yeah that's what I thought. READ MY LOVELIES! Obtain knowledge!  Your brain is the only thing that maurading bandits and zombies can't take away from you (well they can but by that point you'd be dead and you won't care anyway).

  Bottom Line: Filling your brain with good things like knowledge prevents it from being filled with grasping undead fingers.

Tactical Tuesday:Shotgun

If you want something to go bye bye a shotgun pointed at it provides enough of persuasion for the living and enough of a kick for the living dead.

So allow me to introduce

Model Remington 870 Express

REMINGTON 870

Now I've reviewed the automatic shotgun (recently used in delicious capacity in the film The Expendables) so I figured that selecting my favorite pump-action shotgun would satisfy my OCD if not the OCD of my readers. Or whatever.

Anyway ON TO THE GUN!

The Remington 870 and all its variants is one of the best-selling shotguns in the world. Used by innumerable foreign (the Police in Luxembourg use this weapon...seriously) law enforcement, government and private agencies the weapon has also found a niche in the home defense  and hunting market. 

Now why do I like this weapon, as I am such an authority on weapons what with my boobs and menstruation-ness?

I will tell you.



Notice the pistol grips on the top two models and one with a collapsible stock

1) OPTIONS

2) EFFICIENCY

3) RELIABILITY

1) Options

It is almost ridiculous how many different options there are for this weapon. Ridiculously AWESOME! You can tailor the color: black, shiny, matte, camo-ed out for forested, desert or urban environments. Stock materials include: synthetic, wood, nickel-plated to name a few. You can even get a stock that has a pistol-grip for easier handling. You can get it with switchable barrel lengths, stocks that hold extra shot, barrels that are longer or shorter, rifled (for deer slugs...I love deer slugs) or not rifled--you can even get different kinds of barrel endings called chokes that controls the spread of the shot as it leaves the weapon. You can get a model with a rail on top so you can slap on gadgets like sights, telescopic lenses, lights, infrared scopes.  Tee hee.

Extremely modified Rem 870.....so much modification....*drools*

2) Efficiency
I like the pump action on a shotgun because the act of reloading seems more fluid than reloading a lever-action shotgun and is certainly more efficient that the manual reloading of a break-action shotgun.  Watching someone speed reload a pump action (that is holding the shells in their hands and sliding a shell into the weapon after they are out of shells...video) is so fluid and pretty that it makes me worship the armed forces. On top of that loading the weapon (which you can do from the bottom of the weapon or in through the ejection port on the side) is efficient and can be suited to the situation. That on top of the fact that every store from Wal-Mart to Dollar General carries some kind of shot gun shells. And to be honest with you, you can make your own shotgun shells...which I would definitely not condone to anyone. Because that's dangerous. *ahem* anyway.

  

 3) Reliability

Notice the flashlight mount

Time and again I prattle on about how the reliability of a weapon is paramount to selecting a weapon. And here I go again. The Remington 870 has some of the best ratings for any weapon--not just shotguns--in the order of reliability that I have ever seen. I think it boils down to the design of the weapon, which involves less moving parts than lever-action or semi-automatic shotguns. I've read accounts of this weapon being dropped in the mud and still firing.  Very low rates of jamming and even lower rates of misfires--and as far as I've read most of these would have been prevented with proper gun maintenance.

 The Remington catalog reads like a who's who of action movies and Cops reruns. Anyone who would ever need to use a shotgun could definitely find an 870 that could be pimped out to their liking. In a zombie context, options mean you can best find a weapon that suits the environment in which you'll be fighting for survival. You can get as complicated or as simple of weapon as you need to kill the legions of undead whether they be walking ghouls hungering for flesh or the simple sparkly vampire slut chasing after your significant other.

Why else do I like this weapon?  

 

IT'S CHEAP! You can buy a basic model for under 400$, which means that furthering your zombie fortifications won't be all held up in the purchase of your weapon.



Arnold says buy this weapon....or else....



Walking Dead Update: Zombies Rules!

TEE HEE

 I like rules. I like having a list of can and can't dos. So, happily (because it makes me feel better about my OCD) the producers, fans and writers of The Walking Dead TV series have provided the public with a set of Zombie Rules. Which of course I find thoroughly useful.
ahem ahem....

Zombie Rules:

1) Ability to run is based on the amount of time a zombie has been undead, and how much decay has set in. I find this thoroughly realistic...well as realistic as zombies can be...it's hard to imagine watching a near-skeleton chasing you at a sprint down the street.


Unless you're Jason and the Argonauts, this poses little threat to you



  2) Zombies decay but at a much slower rate than humans, and it’s still possible to differentiate between young and old zombies. I never really did understand this zombie rule but I won't fuss. You can't win them all.

3) Zombies are like lions: if they’ve eaten, you can walk by them without fear, but a pack of hungry zombies will attack you. This is also not something I quite understand. If they're fueled by evil or a virus how can they be "full"? Being full denotes digestion which zombies certainly don't do. Hmm...I quite possibly prefer consistently ravenous zombies.

4) The quickest speed of any zombie is a shambling run. see Night of the Living Dead. NO sprinters exist. I thoroughly believe in this rule for the simple fact that anything dead is constantly falling apart. A corpse that runs faster when it's ligaments and muscles are steadily falling apart simply defies logic, if not physics.  That on top of it'd be ridiculous for a 80 year-old zombie body running full tilt after a perfectly healthy and alive 20 year old.

5) Zombies are not dexterous. They cannot pick up or use any items more complex than a rock or a stick. Take that George Romero's Big Daddy who can use a gas pump and guns. That always annoyed me.



Zombies can't use guns! GAH!

 6) Zombies have poor eyesight but they do have a strong sense of smell. I have absolutely no idea how something that doesn't breath can smell. The eyesight makes sense, smell not so much.



EEK.

 7) Zombies cannot speak but can communicate by pack mentality. The herd tends to move together if they sight food. I can also understand this rule. Atoms stick together, molecules and compounds. Makes perfect sense that zombies would follow the normal rules of physics.




I am thoroughly excited about this show. The rules are suitable to my (and by proxy the rest of the zombie community since I've learned off a bunch of zombie snobs) standards as far as general logic and of course tradition. YAY!

I leave you now with a creepy cute picture
 

Everyone Together: AWWW!!!! Does he want love or brains?



Tactical Tuesday: The Sling Blade

Sometimes things are just serendipitous.

Large vocabulary aside, I was watching a horribly depressing film starring Billy Bob Thornton on STARZ this afternoon when I got home from school and was struck by the simple fact that I had no idea why the movie was called "Sling Blade." Until later in the movie that is. And then my topic (like the sling blade to Billy's mama in the movie) hit me like a ton of bricks.

Which brings me to our topic today:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

The Sling Blade

AKA: Brush Hook, Kaiser Blade, Bush Hook or Ditch Bank Blade



Ditch Bank Blade

Sling Blade







The tool is meant to be used by a standing individual in order to clear brush or grass low to the ground in an area like a ditch or rocky outcropping where a mower would be unpractical. My dad always used ours (oh. apparently we have one. don't mess with me) to trim crab grass in our front yard. That of course was before age 50 set in and the present tradition of using an electric hedger came into vogue (along with the lazy).  As you've noticed I have listed additional names for this tool/weapon I did this because this tool comes in a plethora of different styles. I picked the one that l liked best (and the one I'd seen before in our garage, quietly rusting).  Try googling any of the other names listed and see what pops up if you are so inclined. Anywho.

As you can see by the design of the tool, it is very similar in design to an ax--in fact the handle is an ax handle. The blade itself is sharp on the outside and inside of the curve. The point is not meant for stabbing but instead better facilitates the slicing motion used to slice at scrub brush. OR ZOMBIE FLESH! The blade is made of steel coated in some poly-plastic covering to help prevent rust and chips.

Scimitar: Big Fat Curve



The reason I like this tool as a zombie weapon is because of that curve.  Stabbing weapons don't have curves like the Roman Gladius or the French Rapier.  Even the Scottish Claymore or English Hand and a Half sword are more meant for hacking/chopping. Curved weapons are meant to slice. I like slicing because if the blade is sharp enough, it requires the least amount of work. It's why Katanas and Scimitars are curved: their intent is to slice through whatever they hit.



Gladius: no curve



That curve makes the metal of the tool move fast in whatever direction the blade is moving. It also helps cut through the substance its going through so that when the rest of the blade comes through there is less resistance. It makes the motion of slicing more natural and easy on the slicer.

Hand and Half Sword: No Curve





Katana: Slight Curve

 


 

Also, since the tool is meant to be used by a person standing up the handle is long enough to be used in a slicing motion to a ghoul a few steps away---but can be short hefted to slash at a zombie close up.

BWAHAHA.



I also really like how easily obtainable and cheap this tool is. I found one in walmart for like 50 bucks. Certainly can't buy a hardy sword for that cheap.

 

I really like weapons that double as tools because it just means one less thing my lazy butt has to carry. Weapons that don't require a ton of maintenance and training to use are also a plus. I don't really need a ton of aim to slice the top of a zombie's head off with a sling blade. In theory.

Tee hee.

Anyway. Raid walmart. Do it.

 

Practical--er use

 

Practical Use



As a side note, good people. Could I have some suggestions? Send me Gun and melee weapon suggestions!! OR questions about first aide. Or something! I need research topics!!!

I heart you, you zombie fanatics you.