Walking Dead Update: Zombies Rules!

TEE HEE

 I like rules. I like having a list of can and can't dos. So, happily (because it makes me feel better about my OCD) the producers, fans and writers of The Walking Dead TV series have provided the public with a set of Zombie Rules. Which of course I find thoroughly useful.
ahem ahem....

Zombie Rules:

1) Ability to run is based on the amount of time a zombie has been undead, and how much decay has set in. I find this thoroughly realistic...well as realistic as zombies can be...it's hard to imagine watching a near-skeleton chasing you at a sprint down the street.


Unless you're Jason and the Argonauts, this poses little threat to you



  2) Zombies decay but at a much slower rate than humans, and it’s still possible to differentiate between young and old zombies. I never really did understand this zombie rule but I won't fuss. You can't win them all.

3) Zombies are like lions: if they’ve eaten, you can walk by them without fear, but a pack of hungry zombies will attack you. This is also not something I quite understand. If they're fueled by evil or a virus how can they be "full"? Being full denotes digestion which zombies certainly don't do. Hmm...I quite possibly prefer consistently ravenous zombies.

4) The quickest speed of any zombie is a shambling run. see Night of the Living Dead. NO sprinters exist. I thoroughly believe in this rule for the simple fact that anything dead is constantly falling apart. A corpse that runs faster when it's ligaments and muscles are steadily falling apart simply defies logic, if not physics.  That on top of it'd be ridiculous for a 80 year-old zombie body running full tilt after a perfectly healthy and alive 20 year old.

5) Zombies are not dexterous. They cannot pick up or use any items more complex than a rock or a stick. Take that George Romero's Big Daddy who can use a gas pump and guns. That always annoyed me.



Zombies can't use guns! GAH!

 6) Zombies have poor eyesight but they do have a strong sense of smell. I have absolutely no idea how something that doesn't breath can smell. The eyesight makes sense, smell not so much.



EEK.

 7) Zombies cannot speak but can communicate by pack mentality. The herd tends to move together if they sight food. I can also understand this rule. Atoms stick together, molecules and compounds. Makes perfect sense that zombies would follow the normal rules of physics.




I am thoroughly excited about this show. The rules are suitable to my (and by proxy the rest of the zombie community since I've learned off a bunch of zombie snobs) standards as far as general logic and of course tradition. YAY!

I leave you now with a creepy cute picture
 

Everyone Together: AWWW!!!! Does he want love or brains?



Tactical Tuesday: How to Not Die (or at least die slower) 101

Common misconceptions about first aide
1)  When someone is having a seizure (neurological or otherwise) DO NOT PLACE ANYTHING IN THEIR MOUTH. It is physically impossible for someone to "choke on their tongue." When someone having a seizure chokes, they choke on vomit or saliva caught in their throat because they are lying on their back. If someone is having a seizure you should 1) unbutton anything constrictive around their neck and remove jewerly etc, 2) roll them on their side--this keeps their airway open 3) check for a bracelet that may inform you of any preexisting condition that may have caused the seizure: some conditions like epilepsy don't require medical attention unless the person hit their head when they fall---either way unless you know the person very well (I have a friend with epilepsy, getting a ride in the ambulance 4 times a year is expensive) call an ambulance or in the very least find their cell phone or relation if possible.

2) Unless you are certified to do CPR......DON'T DO IT. Have you ever seen anyone ACTUALLY doing CPR? Not on TV, where the person doing it is using their shoulders and bending their elbows. Real CPR, which involves compressions 1-2 inches into the person's chest, often cracking their ribs. Imagine someone doing that to your chest at 100 times a minute while you are still breathing.....it'd probably kill you. People have died before because an inexperienced person trying to help performed CPR incorrectly and/or performed it on someone who didn't need it.  Scream. Scream your head off. And don't scream "help" either. Scream "Fire." People will come to "fire" and will automatically know to call the police/fire department. Thus people exprienced in CPR will appear.

3) If your nose is bleeding, don't tilt your head back. This will cause the blood to run down the back of your throat instead of clotting. That blood will sit in your stomach and thus make you sick, and probably vomit. Instead lean forward pinching the soft tip of your nose, breathing through your mouth and holding a cold pack on the back of your neck (some people say the cold pack on the back of the neck doesn't do any good, but my mom always did this and it worked for me). This will help clot the blood in the nose instead of clotting it in the septum behind your mouth.


Hopefully this will be helpful!

History 101: Why Edward I of England Kicked Medieval Buttock

Do not mess with me.

Ever see Braveheart? Remember the guy who goes "The problem with Scotland is......it's full of Scots."
Yeah that's Edward I.
Isn't he peachy?

Edward I or Edward "Longshanks" (he was tall) is a great character from medieval English History. He was also a royal douche.



"I conquered Wales and all I got was this crappy castle"

 For the first thing, the guy was mean. In the early parts of his reign were full of big fat wars with the Wales and Scotland. After thoroughly beating the crap out of the Welsh Princes and claiming Wales for the Kingdom of England, the people of wales demanded one their own people to be their governing lord. Edward announced he had already selected such a man, one who "did not speak a word of English." He promptly produced his 9 month old son, who obviously couldn't speak at all yet and thus decried him as the Prince of Wales. The eldest son of the monarch has held that title since then.

Then, Edward turned his attentions to Scotland. And not to spoil things for you but Edward's nickname was Scottorum Malleus ---"Hammer of the Scots"
Now Eddie didn't immediately invade; he needed a reason to use up what would invariably be a lot of money. No, the reason Edward really got involved at all was that the Scots themselves literally asked for it. Two competing houses in Scotland were vying for the throne and Edward (as the unbiased King of England...psh) was selected to mediate. He gave it to the highest bidder, which happened to be a gentleman named John Balliol --who basically said to Edward "if you make me King I'll say you rock harder than me, I'll do homage to you as my higher King"--medieval feudal system at it's best.

Well the main problem with this is John Balliol wasn't overly popular with the Scottish people. He was weak and pretty much after his ascension was Edward's plaything. The Scots resented Edward I "requesting" their participation in his attempts to regain England's lands in France (lost by Edward's father, Henry III and Grandfather King John of Robin Hood fame). So they rebelled, naturally. Well, Edward didn't like that. So he beat the crap out of them, took their ceremonial coronation stone--the Stone of Scone--back to Westminster and crowned himself the King of Scotland.



Our Bad!

 By the way? That stone wasn't returned to Scotland until 1999, 700 years after the fact. Go England.

Anyway. Things effectively quieted down long enough for Edward I to go back to England to kick the Jews out of the country for good. Yeah they had this nasty habit of loaning the English money and then expecting it to be paid back on time with the pre-agreed interest. Silly heads. Well Edward got tired of that and made usury illegal (usury is charging money on a loan) thus giving him grounds to rape, pillage, murder and steal from the Jews BEFORE he kicked them off his island.
Again, go England.

Well anyway a little white later Scotland was getting all pissed off about England kicking them in the shins all the time, stealing their lunch money and generally causing mayhem in their country. A little guy by the name of William Wallace was sick of getting his hair pulled by the English Barons squatting in his country, levying extremely unfair taxes and basically being pains in the butt. So he and a few of his friends (2000 or so) beat the absolute crap out 9000-12000 English led by the Earl of Surrey at the Battle of Stirling Bridge.



Watch out for that----awww....

 And the English were all like WHAT!? You can't do that!!! Scots suck at orderly maneuvers in battle!

Oh ho ho. But Wallace was all like "That's what YOU thought!" Wallace was a brilliant military tactician who had figured out that the Scots' problem lay not in the bravery, skill or numbers but in their inability to form any sort of partnership amongst themselves. The Scots had this nasty habit of being more loyal to their individual clans or close family groups than their military or governmental leaders (who'd blame them really, most of them were douches). So while they may stick together for a while, eventually someone would call someone else a name (funny enough, that's not a joke, that would happen) and someone would leave in a huff (meaning they'd cut their head off).



Well that's just mean...

 Well Wallace, at least for the short time before he was caught, convicted and executed was able to draw the people of Scotland together against the English in Scotland. The Scots were masters of guerrilla tactics, throwing off the often heavily armored English forces they encountered by popping out at inopportune moments (imagine going to the potty in a suit of armor...eech). But they really avoided pitched battle until the Battle of Falkirk. This, the largest battle on open ground (and the last Wallace fought on open ground, because they lost--quick learner) was lost to the Scots because of their inability to defend against the viciously effective English Archers. Despite this loss, Wallace continued to kick butt until---surprise surprise--another Scot stabbed him in the back and he was captured by the English. He was hung until barely conscious, disemboweled while still alive and watched his own entrails be thrown on a fire. He was then beheaded. After that his body was chopped into four pieces: a piece taken to four different cities in Scotland, the head stuck on a pike on the Tower of London.

Nice. Who the hell comes up with these methods of execution? Seriously.

So yeah. Edward I was a tool. Granted, it was under him that the first Parliament was formed with a real elected House of Commons (kinda) and yeah he was a great military leader and all that.

Still a tool.

Favorite Friday: Cobra=Stallone Makes Everything Better

I'll have you know....I am a girl. DO NOT RUN!

But if you didn't know that about me (besides being concerned with whether or not PMS affects my decisions concerning movie choice) you probably wouldn't think my obsession with all things creepy, crawly and in the case of this particular post slurred and full of brooklyn accent was all that weird.

But I'm still a girl. And I'm not going to go all "glass ceiling" on you. Well I will, but I'll be breaking the glass ceiling with a nice .38 special with a pretty pink grip on it. Because I'm a girl. Get it?

Anyway, when I tell people that my favorite Sylvester Stallone movie is Cobra they look at me blankly for a few seconds before going "really?" That is if they even know what movie I'm talking about.

tee hee

 For you see Cobra is not critically appreciated movie. It isn't a fan favorite or cult classic. It isn't even really all that well known. When I found it in BIG LOTS on DVD for 3$, well....I think that I found it at BIG LOTS for 3$ is enough of an explanation. 

Why do I like it, do you ask? Because it's ridiculous and AWESOME! Stallone (at his cutest, which is saying a lot) plays an LAPD officer named Marion Cobretti in his totally awesome mirrored cop sunglasses (I have a pair because of this movie, btw) goes around Los Angeles killing bad guys with a big fat gun (toting Cobra handguns which I wanted desperately and couldn't understand why my mom wouldn't buy them for me) and chewing on a match the entire time. Because that is the definition of badass. Did I mention that Stallone originally wrote this as the script to Beverly Hills Cop? Once you see this movie, imagine the Eddie Murphy laugh coming out around a chewed-on match.  I digress.

Brian Thompson = jawline of doom!



Brigitte Nielsen (who shortly before this film had married Mr. Stallone, which may or may not have had something to do with her casting....you know her as the tall blond who made out with Flavor Flav all the time on VH1) is on the naughty list of a creepy gang of supremacists helmed by a knife-happy Brian Thompson (he was the punk Arnold took the clothes from in the first Terminator movie). They're trying to kill her because she saw them do something bad and supremacist-y. So of course Cobretti or nickname "Cobra" has to keep her safe and .....bada bing...romantic interest and then well it kind of goes on from there.

I like to think a man would carry a gun around like that to protect me.



The film is not Schindler's List okay? It's an action flick full of delicious 80s drama and gun toting with sweaty scary headband wearing bad guys. It's like Karate Kid minus heartwarming tale....and with lots and lots of guns. And murder.

However, the film is fun! You don't need to have your mind challenged to be truely enjoy watching Stallone wander about being badass. And the perfectly creepy and slightly Schwarzenegger-esque Thompson is definitely worth dealing with Stallone making out with his wife during the whole movie. Ew.

Give the movie a chance and to be honest with you I don't forsee you disliking it all that much if at all. It's a perfectly enjoyable film, just don't expect yourself to become intellectually bettered by watching it---which isn't all that different than watching G.I. Joe or whatever. I like action movies, even ones with little or no plot. And to be honest with you watching Stallone beat the crap out of people makes me feel better about my day!

enjoy!!

PS: Got a movie you want me to watch? Disagree with me? Let me know! Comment on my Facebook or right here on my blog! I'll be happy to reply!!

Fevre Dream: Book Review.....OF DEATH

isn't that a cool cover?!

I like media. I like visual stimuli. I like books and comics and movies and television shows and music videos and video games. 

Books though. Books are my true passion. And when I saw this lovely, slightly beat up first edition hardcover book by George R.R. Martin at a local used book sale, I a) snatched it up like the last Christmas ham at Bi-Lo and b) realized that I had never read it before.

Now George R.R. Martin is one of the most prolific Science Fiction authors of the last thirty years. His name has about 50 titles attached to it (the least of which not being A Game of Thrones, which is being released as a TV series on HBO this upcoming spring) along with a respectable of awards including the Hugo and Nebula awards (like Oscars for Sci-Fi/Fantasy writing).

So when I saw his name scrawled across the top of a perfectly preserved 1st edition I leapt on it with the pre-described fervor.

Fevre Dream: vampires and the Mississippi steam boat trade.

This novel recreates a world that I never really thought to explore beyond my forced reading of The Adventures of Huck Finn in high school (never was the Mark Twain fan that the public school system wanted me to be). The novel takes place on a steam boat during the antebellum period in the United States (1850-ish).  The main character, a gruff, ugly and overweight gentleman named Abner Marsh is hired by the pale, mysterious stranger named Joshua York to supervise and co-captain the construction and operation of a steam boat on the Mississippi. Later we find out that Joshua York, who only comes out at night and who can see far out along the river at night, is up to something quite sinister all the while trying to save the world.

A art selection from the 2010 comic book based on Fevre Dream

Now, I will stop you here to admit something. I didn't do any research on this book before I read it. In doing so I felt a little like I was plunging into a dark room. I kind of liked it. So, you'll be shocked to know, I had no idea this book was about vampires. Which is rather dumb actually, considering the cover has a vampire on it (this attests to the powers of my observation).

I will say two things about this book:


This is not a real vampire movie. This is bad.



1) I adored it. George R.R. Martin has always been a favorite of mine and reading this book just further cemented him in my list of best authors. It was rich with detail yet simple and easy to read. So often books that create or recreate a world delve deeply into what things look like, what smells, what sounds--they explain so much that they don't rally further the story (cough Twilight cough). Not so with this book. You're thrown into it, just like I was without figuring out what the book was about before I read it. You pick up and understand things as you go along. I don't insult your intelligence by being too simple but isn't so completely inane you feel like using the thing to prop up the short leg on your coffee table.

2) Not only was it a good book....it was good vampire book. Clever associations and explanations of vampire culture and existence (like Modern Vampire where vampirism is an STD and Crips members make good vampire hunters). The descriptions are campy and are to be perfectly honest: scary. Not only that, the book wasn't predictably vampiric in ending. Good vampires + bad vampires and all that. The book holds surprised that leave you guessing, making the book all that more enjoyable.

Read this book, its thoroughly fantastic.

Tactical Tuesday: The Sling Blade

Sometimes things are just serendipitous.

Large vocabulary aside, I was watching a horribly depressing film starring Billy Bob Thornton on STARZ this afternoon when I got home from school and was struck by the simple fact that I had no idea why the movie was called "Sling Blade." Until later in the movie that is. And then my topic (like the sling blade to Billy's mama in the movie) hit me like a ton of bricks.

Which brings me to our topic today:

Ladies and Gentlemen:

The Sling Blade

AKA: Brush Hook, Kaiser Blade, Bush Hook or Ditch Bank Blade



Ditch Bank Blade

Sling Blade







The tool is meant to be used by a standing individual in order to clear brush or grass low to the ground in an area like a ditch or rocky outcropping where a mower would be unpractical. My dad always used ours (oh. apparently we have one. don't mess with me) to trim crab grass in our front yard. That of course was before age 50 set in and the present tradition of using an electric hedger came into vogue (along with the lazy).  As you've noticed I have listed additional names for this tool/weapon I did this because this tool comes in a plethora of different styles. I picked the one that l liked best (and the one I'd seen before in our garage, quietly rusting).  Try googling any of the other names listed and see what pops up if you are so inclined. Anywho.

As you can see by the design of the tool, it is very similar in design to an ax--in fact the handle is an ax handle. The blade itself is sharp on the outside and inside of the curve. The point is not meant for stabbing but instead better facilitates the slicing motion used to slice at scrub brush. OR ZOMBIE FLESH! The blade is made of steel coated in some poly-plastic covering to help prevent rust and chips.

Scimitar: Big Fat Curve



The reason I like this tool as a zombie weapon is because of that curve.  Stabbing weapons don't have curves like the Roman Gladius or the French Rapier.  Even the Scottish Claymore or English Hand and a Half sword are more meant for hacking/chopping. Curved weapons are meant to slice. I like slicing because if the blade is sharp enough, it requires the least amount of work. It's why Katanas and Scimitars are curved: their intent is to slice through whatever they hit.



Gladius: no curve



That curve makes the metal of the tool move fast in whatever direction the blade is moving. It also helps cut through the substance its going through so that when the rest of the blade comes through there is less resistance. It makes the motion of slicing more natural and easy on the slicer.

Hand and Half Sword: No Curve





Katana: Slight Curve

 


 

Also, since the tool is meant to be used by a person standing up the handle is long enough to be used in a slicing motion to a ghoul a few steps away---but can be short hefted to slash at a zombie close up.

BWAHAHA.



I also really like how easily obtainable and cheap this tool is. I found one in walmart for like 50 bucks. Certainly can't buy a hardy sword for that cheap.

 

I really like weapons that double as tools because it just means one less thing my lazy butt has to carry. Weapons that don't require a ton of maintenance and training to use are also a plus. I don't really need a ton of aim to slice the top of a zombie's head off with a sling blade. In theory.

Tee hee.

Anyway. Raid walmart. Do it.

 

Practical--er use

 

Practical Use



As a side note, good people. Could I have some suggestions? Send me Gun and melee weapon suggestions!! OR questions about first aide. Or something! I need research topics!!!

I heart you, you zombie fanatics you.









Assassin's Creed 2: A Geek Love Story

Lets let it all hang out. I am going to tell you something that shall shock you, ladies and gentlemen.

I.......am a dork.

Not only am I dork in my spare time but I am also in the process of earning a bachelor's degree in being a dork in order to obtain a master's degree in being a dork thereby cementing a prospective profession in being a dork.

yummy. brain food.

So. Shockingly, I absolutely positively adore the Assassin's Creed games.

Assasin's Creed 2 takes place roughly 200 years after the first game...circa 1480s; the main character (a later descendant of the character Altair in the previous game set during the 3rd crusade period in Palestine---circa 1180s AD) and still ancestor of Desmond Miles is Ezio Auditore, a Florentine nobleman.

Ok. So let me say this as simply as I can.

Buy this game. Go home. Take 3 days off work and school. Stock up on cheezits and diet coke. Don't go outside. Pee in a cup.

Oh Ezio

The game is that good.

I. love. this game.

Lots of tasks. Find stuff. Kill stuff. Conspiracy. Murder. Flying guys in cool clothes. Weapons. Masks. Ladies. Popes. Oh. Yeah.

On top of that?

Historically. Accurate. let me say that again. ITS HISTORICALLY ACCURATE.

You are actually in Florence, Venice, and Tuscany. It makes me tingly! You meet (perfectly gay, btw) Leonardo Da Vinci. Seriously.

A vast improvement in style, control and task orientation from the first game, which was also incredibly entertaining.  Tons of stuff to do, you're never bored or stuck doing something inane constantly. You also feel thoroughly immersed and the AI is almost perfect.

I can't wait until the newest one comes out. Seriously.

True Blood Season Three: Thoughts of a Vampire Freak



Yes.



No favorite friday today because I've got a bone to pick.

Okay as I'm sure it has become blatantly obvious (unless you're blind, deaf or just have been ignoring me when we're around each other which is really mean btw) I like vampires. 

So. Please excuse my ranting for the next few pages--if anything it may amuse you.

So. WHAPOW! Season 3 of True Blood.

One word to describe this season...........different.

I've always been very clear with...well...anyone who would listen really....that vampires are not whimpy emo kids full of drama and glitter. They are real (well. not really ) creatures with actual feelings, most of them involving a desire to suck attractive people dry all the while having perfect hair and hopefully kicking some butt whilst doing it.

That being said, I'm not inferring that True Blood does not satisfy that description. However. I can't help but feel slightly robbed by this past season......particularlly the finale.

 I feel like I just got Sopranoed. Like the episode ends and......credits.

dot dot dot.....

Seriously? There's like 20 different things going on and there is no resolution? I mean....nothing? And you with your slow camera slides to creepy props lying nonchalantly on the floor .....or your mysterious (and gaudy...geesh) disappearance of main characters.....PSHT! LAME! Riding off into the sunset...metaphorically, still vampires people...of characters without saying where they'll go. I realize that a cliff hanger was inevitable and that there was sure to be drama in there somewhere (vampires and skanks and murderers oh my!) and I'm not saying that I wanted 100% of the show to be wrapped up tight with a bow...but....I just feel...

I feel like I didn't get enough to eat at dinner. And I'm like....mad that my sister took 3 rolls instead of 2. That's how I feel. And I want that roll!

....I want to be the prop master on that shoot

It's not really excitement for next season since I know I'll have wait until next YEAR to see the new season. Which is not cool, btw HBO....not cool. And its not like I won't watch the season next year, because I will. 

I mean, I wanna know what happens but I'm really just full of pissed right now. Because of the stupidity of the ending. Seriously.

As far as the season as a whole goes, I'll reiterate here: it was different. Not bad different....not good different. Just.....like your mom changed the recipe to the Thanksgiving Stuffing she's made every year and you've yet to decide if you liked it or not. I can't help but feel like there is something amiss, that the show took on too much at once and something got lost along the way. While I thoroughly enjoy the press that the show has been getting (as a freakishly obsessed individual I like it when my obsessions are jusitified, if not made completely normal by popularity....like furbies and/or beanie babies.....don't judge me), I feel that the show has lost some of its zip in efforts to gain a broad audience and outdo itself.  Again. For the most part I like the direction the show has been going in (though it has officially gotten waaaaaay off track from the novels...I'm sure Charlaine Harris is all pissy that the show is better than her books...), especially with introducing new characters and embellishing events to make a better television experience. 

It's just ..... someone messed with my Thanksgiving Stuffing! And I don't know whether I want seconds or if I just want to keep eating it until I like it. Or (sad music) say...no seconds for me thanks.... :(

I don't know. Maybe I'm just pissed about the finale. I'll let you know later.

Anyway. Have a lovely day!

Favorite Friday: The Lost Boys

 I really like vampire movies that are ridiculous.
The Lost Boys certainly fits the bill for ridiculous vampire movies. And it is definitely worth the time to watch and enjoy, preferably with a couple of friends so the silliness can be fully enjoyed.

I won't bother going over the plot since there IS so little of one. Sustain it to say that the movie is about vampires and teenagers dying (if only this were the plot of Twilight). Instead I will go over the points of why this movie is a must-see.

If only....

Anyway, I digress. On to the points of interest!!

Corey Haim on the left, Corey Feldman on the right

1) The Coreys

If I were to hold up any pop film released in the 80s and early 90s that wasn't directed by John Hughes and ask you to randomly select one, the one picked would probably have one if not both of the Coreys.

These two are quintessential 80s pop culture icons, merely for the fact that they are a reflection of everything that is good and bad about the 80s. Separately these two are cinema gold, starring in several respected films (Haim in Lucas, Feldman in Stand by Me). But together? Together they are magic. Poofy hair full of aqua net, outsized jackets in pastel colors and big Ray Ban sunglasses.  Every movie these two did together is sheer 80s gold. The Lost Boys marks their first acting foray together and it is by far my favorite. The two of them together have a humorous teenage chemistry (Feldman with his deep Rambo-voice explaining calmly that they'll have to stake all the vampires before sunrise). It provides a lovely comedic element that makes this film memorable.

Marko played by Alex Winter--that's a mullet

HOO! Look at that feathering!

2) The Costumes and the Hair

Aren't they cute?

Okay let me explain something. The costumes are exceptionally over-the-top goofy and of course FANTASTIC! And who could possibly forget that hair. I mean come on, there was so much hair spray its a wonder the set wasn't officially declared a threat to the ozone layer. I absolutely love Marko's jacket (which sold on eBay last year for several thousand dollars) which looks like a craft project on crack (which it probably was....it WAS the 80s). That on top of Kiefer's badass hair cut and equally awesome black trench coat.

The film is a snippet of an era; a snapshot in time that really helps define what is quintessential 80s.

3) Acting Gems like Dianne Wiest, Edward Herrmann and Kiefer Sutherland
Ah yes, I thoroughly enjoy all of these actors for their bit and starring roles in some of the world's greater films and/or television shows. Dianne Wiest and Edward Herrmann are notable for their television appearances (Herrman does voice overs for the History Channel all the time). Kiefer Sutherland went on after this film to be a greatly accredited actor in the 90s and especially when he was cast as Jack Bauer in 24. 

4) Ridiculously awesome special effects

Kiefer + contacts = awesome

I'm a sucker for cheesy but well used special effects in any of my movies. The Lost Boys is not exception. Whether its the over the top Buffy the Vampire Slayer-esque vampire look or the Jason Patric floating in the air or Alex Winter getting staked by an over-zealous Corey Feldman, one can not escape the thoroughly cartoonish way vampires are depicted in this film. The effects set the film apart from other equally campy vampire films of the same era because of the way the director uses the special effects in way that embellishes the film (wow, go figure) instead of overwhelming the film (cough Avatar cough).

As it stands one of my favorite 80s vampire films and certainly one of my favorite vampire movies in general. Definitely worth watching!

Tactical Tuesday: First Aid Tips

OWIE!

Having recently purchased a first aide kit for my home I'd like to discuss the proper way to clean and dress a minor wound. As my mom would say: seriouser than a sliver, smaller than surgery.

Arm Laceration that requires stitches

1) Cleanliness and safety are key. Unless this is your wound make sure to take steps to protect yourself from blood-born pathogens. Wash your hands and use latex gloves.
2) Assess the wound. A little bleeding is okay, because it helps flush dirt and germs out of the wound. However, if the blood is bright, bright red, or is squirting out these are signs for more serious medical attention (one I will address at a later date). Also be concerned if the wound is deeper than an inch in the chest, neck, back, pelvic or the areas above the elbow or above the knee. To stop the bleeding if it is excessive (head wounds tend to bleed a lot since there are a lot of corposles in the scalp) hold a piece of sterile gauze or clean unfluffy towel to the wound and apply steady, constant pressure to the wound. DO NOT REMOVE GAUZE UNTIL BLEEDING HAS STOPPED. If you take it off too soon you'll rip out the clot forming beneath the wound, effectively making you start over from scratch. Elevating the wound will also help slow the bleeding.

Use running water to cleans wounds

3) Clean the wound. Flush the wound with clean running water. Make sure to use running water as this is a lot more effective at removing contaminates and dirt from a wound than dabbing or wiping would. Use tweezers to remove debris from the wound. Wash the area around the wound with soap (don't worry if the soap gets into the wound, though it may sting it won't cause lasting harm). Rinse again with running water. DO NOT USE AN ALCOHOLIC OR IODINE SWAB ON AN OPEN WOUND. Go back and read that sentence again. Alcohol and Iodine are for cleaning solid skin before an injection, not cleaning an owie. Use HYDROGEN PEROXIDE to clean wounds. Pour a little (not straight from the bottle as the wound may come in contact with the bottle lip, thus contaminating it) onto the site and allow it to fizz. The fizzing is the Peroxide coming in contact with germs and other contaminates, which is good. This also helps to let you know if the wound is infected, as if the peroxide fizzes over a healing wound, that wound may be infected. Soap and water however work just fine if peroxide is not available.

Butterfly bandages close small cuts well

4) Dress the wound. Bandage the wound but only if it is likely to come in contact with dirt. Butterfly bandages can be used to hold a laceration together if needed. Otherwise it is often best to let the wound heal in the open air since bandages may trap moisture near the wound, thus better enabling the growth of bacteria. If it is large enough or serious enough of a wound to require dressing, change the dressings often and make sure the wound is clean before reapplying the dressing. Use antiseptic spray or ointment with each dressing change until the wound closes. Keep the wound as dry as possible.

Blood:The Last Vampire Review

Such potential badass....alas

So I really like vampires. You all know this. So when I saw this movie I was really excited and totally into a movie about a Japanese vampire who kills demons. I'd heard that the anime/manga was good, so I naturally assumed that the film would be at least passable.

I didn't like it. Not even a little bit. I got bored. Do you know how hard it is to make vampires boring. They eat people! The film was droll and the plot so slow and uneventful that I was FORCED to pay attention. Like I wanted to get a book out.

The film takes place in 1970s Japan and is about a demon-killing vampire named Saya (who is really the only badass character in the whole movie. Which is saying a lot). who kills demons for a demon-killing agency. Her father and teacher were killed by a big bad demon who Saya is trying to kill back. It gets a little bit more complicated than that, but not by much.

Those are the demons. You could shoot spitwads at them and they'd die.

What really annoys me is that the film had a ton of potential. In theory a demon-slaying vampire lady, while unoriginal, could be potentially badass. And the dialogue is definitely an homage to the anime/manga roots (especially in a scene with demon teenagers getting their heads cut off---strangely satisfying btw). But this potential was squandered with some bad decisions. Everything looked like someone had done it on their Macbook. And what's worse is that whole scenes are dedicated to fighting these CGI-created monsters that look really, really lame. And don't get me started on the horrendous bullet-impacts. Seriously? They don't even really match up when the guy gets hit...like its just bad. I've seen B-movies with more satisfying special effects.

To be honest with you, the acting wasn't all that bad considering the script. I just feel rather jipped about everything else.  I mean there are some really good and fairly famous character actors (you'll recognized Taka from The Last Samurai and the German bad guy from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in there).  But they're only in the film fleetingly. It seems that no character is permanent. Everyone keeps DYING. But not in a sad kind of way like The Pianist or Rent or something but in a....where'd that guy go? What do you mean he died 15 minutes ago? How? Oh. That was him? Oh.

So. Yeah. Anyway. See it if you must. But beware.