History 101: Why Edward I of England Kicked Medieval Buttock

Do not mess with me.

Ever see Braveheart? Remember the guy who goes "The problem with Scotland is......it's full of Scots."
Yeah that's Edward I.
Isn't he peachy?

Edward I or Edward "Longshanks" (he was tall) is a great character from medieval English History. He was also a royal douche.



"I conquered Wales and all I got was this crappy castle"

 For the first thing, the guy was mean. In the early parts of his reign were full of big fat wars with the Wales and Scotland. After thoroughly beating the crap out of the Welsh Princes and claiming Wales for the Kingdom of England, the people of wales demanded one their own people to be their governing lord. Edward announced he had already selected such a man, one who "did not speak a word of English." He promptly produced his 9 month old son, who obviously couldn't speak at all yet and thus decried him as the Prince of Wales. The eldest son of the monarch has held that title since then.

Then, Edward turned his attentions to Scotland. And not to spoil things for you but Edward's nickname was Scottorum Malleus ---"Hammer of the Scots"
Now Eddie didn't immediately invade; he needed a reason to use up what would invariably be a lot of money. No, the reason Edward really got involved at all was that the Scots themselves literally asked for it. Two competing houses in Scotland were vying for the throne and Edward (as the unbiased King of England...psh) was selected to mediate. He gave it to the highest bidder, which happened to be a gentleman named John Balliol --who basically said to Edward "if you make me King I'll say you rock harder than me, I'll do homage to you as my higher King"--medieval feudal system at it's best.

Well the main problem with this is John Balliol wasn't overly popular with the Scottish people. He was weak and pretty much after his ascension was Edward's plaything. The Scots resented Edward I "requesting" their participation in his attempts to regain England's lands in France (lost by Edward's father, Henry III and Grandfather King John of Robin Hood fame). So they rebelled, naturally. Well, Edward didn't like that. So he beat the crap out of them, took their ceremonial coronation stone--the Stone of Scone--back to Westminster and crowned himself the King of Scotland.



Our Bad!

 By the way? That stone wasn't returned to Scotland until 1999, 700 years after the fact. Go England.

Anyway. Things effectively quieted down long enough for Edward I to go back to England to kick the Jews out of the country for good. Yeah they had this nasty habit of loaning the English money and then expecting it to be paid back on time with the pre-agreed interest. Silly heads. Well Edward got tired of that and made usury illegal (usury is charging money on a loan) thus giving him grounds to rape, pillage, murder and steal from the Jews BEFORE he kicked them off his island.
Again, go England.

Well anyway a little white later Scotland was getting all pissed off about England kicking them in the shins all the time, stealing their lunch money and generally causing mayhem in their country. A little guy by the name of William Wallace was sick of getting his hair pulled by the English Barons squatting in his country, levying extremely unfair taxes and basically being pains in the butt. So he and a few of his friends (2000 or so) beat the absolute crap out 9000-12000 English led by the Earl of Surrey at the Battle of Stirling Bridge.



Watch out for that----awww....

 And the English were all like WHAT!? You can't do that!!! Scots suck at orderly maneuvers in battle!

Oh ho ho. But Wallace was all like "That's what YOU thought!" Wallace was a brilliant military tactician who had figured out that the Scots' problem lay not in the bravery, skill or numbers but in their inability to form any sort of partnership amongst themselves. The Scots had this nasty habit of being more loyal to their individual clans or close family groups than their military or governmental leaders (who'd blame them really, most of them were douches). So while they may stick together for a while, eventually someone would call someone else a name (funny enough, that's not a joke, that would happen) and someone would leave in a huff (meaning they'd cut their head off).



Well that's just mean...

 Well Wallace, at least for the short time before he was caught, convicted and executed was able to draw the people of Scotland together against the English in Scotland. The Scots were masters of guerrilla tactics, throwing off the often heavily armored English forces they encountered by popping out at inopportune moments (imagine going to the potty in a suit of armor...eech). But they really avoided pitched battle until the Battle of Falkirk. This, the largest battle on open ground (and the last Wallace fought on open ground, because they lost--quick learner) was lost to the Scots because of their inability to defend against the viciously effective English Archers. Despite this loss, Wallace continued to kick butt until---surprise surprise--another Scot stabbed him in the back and he was captured by the English. He was hung until barely conscious, disemboweled while still alive and watched his own entrails be thrown on a fire. He was then beheaded. After that his body was chopped into four pieces: a piece taken to four different cities in Scotland, the head stuck on a pike on the Tower of London.

Nice. Who the hell comes up with these methods of execution? Seriously.

So yeah. Edward I was a tool. Granted, it was under him that the first Parliament was formed with a real elected House of Commons (kinda) and yeah he was a great military leader and all that.

Still a tool.