Loaded Bible:Book I

I found Loaded Bible Book I: The 'Jesus VS. Vampires' Gospels in my local comic book shop a week ago. My eyes locked onto the cover and I saw "Jesus V. Vampires" from across the room...it was like a scene out of Chariots of Fire. Angelic music tickles off stage and just a little extra light shown down from the florescent lights, illuminating the cover. It seemed to me as if time slowed down and as my feet shuffled excitedly across the linoleum it felt like I was moving at light speed towards my destiny.

I must admit, I had never heard of this before I saw the collected volume in the store. The series originally came out annually between 2006-2008. The back cover lists the book as "An Action Packed Sacrilegious Satire." I admit I felt slightly worried when I read that: I don't really care for blatant satire all that much, mainly because it tends to be a bit top-heavy in the story and is rarely worth the 15$ I'll spend to read it.

As I flipped through the book in the store however, I appreciated the art, the smattering of gore and some good old fashioned violence that I saw inside. These facets mollified me enough to want to give it a chance and I carried the tome to the register and cried "wrap it up!"

Inside I found some wonderful things, the first of which being: Jesus isn't lame...he is hardcore. I enjoy religion in comic books, especially when someone intelligent realizes that when you make fun of something you should at least write it well. But Seeley isn't really making fun of Jesus, which is the best part. He's making fun of everything else.

Jesus is to post-apocalyptic Earth like Batman is to Gotham. He's what is needed, not what is wanted. He is strong and smart and hard-core while being kind, faithful in God and a good person. He kills the evil vampires with such strength and prowess (and not to mention entirely satisfying blood and guts associated with a giant claymore/cross sword) that it really does a credit to the Christian faith that he's been given a license to kill. Totally awesome.

Then there is the story. It's actually good, well-rounded and funny. This isn't just a Wyatt Earp fantasy with Jesus inserted with a smattering of "we'll make fun of the stupid Jesus people har har."  The story doesn't make fun of Christianity by calling it names and pulling it's hair; it points out what Christianity really is about: having faith in humanity and in God. And its funny! Funny not because it's Jesus doing what he's doing but because Jesus is actually funny!

The plot revolves around a post-apocalyptic Jesus and his fight to rid the world of the evil vampires that have taken over.  It's a futuristic, wild-west vampires vs. humans shoot-em up with a message. It's even got some romance (covered in blood of course) and a perfectly evil bad-guy and a really good twist half-way through. It's not too slow, not to fast, easy to follow and not boring at all.

I'm really quite proud of Tim Seeley for writing this the way he did. He could have gone a completely different way and ruined the whole thing, but the way Jesus has been represented didn't insult me at all. It made me smile and be proud that my God could be modernized so appropriately.

It's totally worth the money I paid for it and I'll probably read it again after I publish this post. Awesome to the extreme. Go Jesus!

Tactical Tuesday: Assault Rifle

It's Tactical Tuesday!

Today's topic is......Assault Rifle!

Okay. Let's be honest with ourselves....I am female (that me!)

My Y chromosomal deficit automatically means I don't know as much as one should about ballistic weapons. But never fear my future as a librarian relies on my ability to research. So I have spent a number of hours doing the necessary workload to select the best assault rifle I could for slaughtering legions of the undead.

Now I know what you're thinking....(because its the same thing I think whenever I hear gun-people talking) "all rifles are 'assault' rifles. What else do you use a rifle for? What makes a rifle an 'assault rifle'?"

An Assault Rifle must have four characteristics
1. A buttstock (that thing that goes into your shoulder)
2. Selective fire (semi-auto, automatic etc)

3. Cartridge stronger than pistol/handgun and smaller than a battle rifle

4. Magazine that detaches

Cross referencing these characteristics with my own Zombie Apocalypse requirements I have decided to spotlight the.......

FN SCAR-L MK-16 or MK-16S (the latter is the civilian-legal version, I love you America)

Why I chose it:

1) Cartridge This weapon uses the 5.56X45mm NATO round, a standard cartridge for NATO countries meaning there are a lot of guns that use them and a lot of these cartridges laying around, a very important characteristic to remember when contemplating a zombie apocalypse. It's important to remember that once the world comes crashing down around our ears they will probably stop making bullets after a while, so it'll be important to not have a weapon that's picky. Also, the 5.56X45mm round has a tendency to fragment upon impact, extremely useful when shooting an undead creature in the skull in order to explode its evil infected gray matter. (This also is useful in stopping very live and uninfected hostiles trying to steal from and/or murder you. The bullets has considerable stopping power in piercing soft tissues, piercing 15mm into flesh. Think Mad Max meets SOCOM.) These cartridges are also easy to buy on the Internet or locally (I live in the South, I checked my local gun shop and of course they sell these cartridges*rolls eyes*).

2.Accuracy and Reliability This weapon is exceptionally accurate. Every review I've read (thank you again America for your awesomely loose gun restrictions) depicts this weapon as accurate to a fault. The weapon also has a low rate of failure: feeding, firing, extracting and ejecting reviews all are positive and have very few complaints.

3.Construction
The weapon is very modifiable and can be made to suit each user's individual needs.The weapon has a Picatinny Rail (pic above right)for an optical sight and other rails suitable for all kinds of goodies like lasers, lights, bipods etc---all extremely useful when living under the law of the gun in a post-apocalyptic atmosphere (imagine shooting zombies from 500 meters with a nice scope teehee--I always liked being a Sniper in Resident Evil 5). The buttstock is adjustable (I have short arms) and also folds for easy transport (or fighting your way through an undead mob in a confined space). The buttons and controls on the weapon are all conveniently placed and easily located (makes it easy to pick up and use, if you need to hand the weapon off to a less experienced user).  The weapon uses the same STANAG magazine that the M16 uses (among the roughly 30 other weapons that use this magazine style); this means it will be easier to accumulate ammunition as the weapon is not picky. No body likes a picky weapon.
4.Constructed in United States While I have no problem with buying foreign products when the world hasn't ended, what weapon I use while fighting through throngs of flesh-eating ghouls generally has something to do with where I get it. The SCAR is manufactured in Columbia, South Carolina which is very close to my home town. In the event of the dead rising it would be fairly reasonable to get to the plant and procure one of these weapons, if I so chose.
5. Light Weight The weapon is made from durable aluminum and polymer and weighs around 7 pounds (roughly the weight of one of those boxes of printer paper). This means that when you're schlepping it around your arms won't get tired from holding your weapon up for long periods and you can easy carry more ammunition with you as the added weight won't be taken up by your weapon. A gun without bullets is pretty useless against legions of the undead, at least en masse.

6.User friendly The civilian weapon is of ambidextrous design (lovely for all those left-handed zombie survivors out there) right down to the magazine release. It also has a very effective muzzle brake system (left) that cuts down on the recoil (which would knock my booty right on the ground). The low-recoil rate also cuts down on the shoulder fatigue generally associate with constant firing (imagine a brick being shoved into your shoulder over and over again. Ouch). Again, the design is made to be as convenient and idiot-proof as possible. All the buttons and bars are in places where almost anyone could figure out how to shoot it.

If and when the Apocalypse comes I would highly suggest this weapon become a part of your personal arsenal. If you want to run out and buy one now they run around 3000$ (they come with one 20 round magazine and a user's manual).
YAY!

True Blood Episode 3 Season 3

Well. That was an interesting episode.

Ahem.

Seriously?

O...k....

Well beyond the seriously creepy sex scene between Bill and Lorena (dude. She is extremely evil but did she deserve that? Seriously?), the episode was filled with great moments.

My favorite was Sam's family showing up at his restaurant to open a tab....and visit....because they love him.

His little brother is kind of a turd.

Jason is as imbecilic as ever; he has decided to become a police officer (for like ten minutes before the creepy "bullet wound on everyone's forehead" pyschosis showing up again to deter him, that and he's dumb).

I throughly enjoyed Eric giving Layfette the lovely SV 9 Competizione just because. Eric is always full of surprises.

Sookie's up to her usual antics. She places herself in harm's way in her efforts to gain some intel on Bill's location. In the process she befriends the lovely Alcide and we get to see the inside of quite a creepy werewolf bar.

My least favorite part was Franklin Mott and his insinuated mind/body rape of Tara. He uses his glamour in a most ungentlemanly way. I mean come on! I'd be so pissed. And Tara is so stupid looking him in the eyes like that. She was all high and mighty about her distrust of vampires and WHAM!

All in all it was a very.....odd.....episode of True Blood. I felt like I needed a shower. I felt like there was a lie going on. I feel confused and in need of answers.

oh and well I'll just wait 7 days to find out what this all means...wait...wha.....WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS FOR THE NEXT EPISODE?

oh HBO you are a cruel mistress.

But I will wait.

Vampires: Stop Killing Them Already

I was piddling around wondering what to post today when I came across an interview done by one of my favorite authors: Neil Gaiman. Now Mr. Gaiman (who recently was awarded the Carnegie medal in the UK for his Graveyard Book) is probably not one of the most typical gory and undead authors most people would associate with an undead enthusiast such as myself.  But Mr. Gaiman and I share a passion for a recently popular topic: Vampires.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Shocker...A girl who likes vampires."

I have street cred ok?

I have liked vampires since before I was allowed to shave my legs (age 12). I watched Bordello of Blood at age 11 (thank you digital cable) and I must have seen Interview with the Vampire five hundred times by the time I had my first boyfriend (age 15). My first vampire film was Dracula (1931) which appeared on the Sci-Fi channel back in 1997, (I was 9). I was hooked. I loved his cape, (I wore a cape specifically like his for Halloween that year). I loved vampires, I loved their dark brooding hair and their big scary fangs that only came out once their stupid prey got alone and WHAM dead!

I like how they were almost always the bad guy. I liked that bad guy. I liked the night time setting and I like how even if I got scared they couldn't get me in day time. I liked the fangs and the daunting reward of immortality. I like brooding Louis and deliciously evil Lestat. I enjoyed watching Salma Hayek switch from bodacious babe to blood thirsty brood queen. I giggled at Leslie Nielson stumbling over his Bela Lugosi accent in Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995). And I adored Blade and Blade II and their thoroughly satisfying fight scenes and blood effects.

So I read the twilight books when I was in high school. This was in 2005, way before the subsequent film franchise and all that crap started coming out. I read the book because it looked interesting and I needed a book to read. And I will admit, I enjoyed reading it. But the further into the series I got the less impressed I became. The "vampires" were whiny, teenager-y and completely unwilling to give into their desires--which seemed to be the complete opposite of what a vampire represented. A vampire was immortal and beyond harm--they could do whatever they want, save getting a suntan (which Lestat actually does in one Anne Rice's novels, go figure). Vampires did not agonize over what they wanted. They did not fall for histrionic humans with enough emotional baggage to fill a semi-truck. Vampires deign to deal with humans and if they do select one to become emotionally/sexually/intellectually intimate with, the relationship generally has certain parameters that befit the superiority (to a point, some vampires are gross and useless even for vampires) of the vampire.

For example: Eric from True Blood. This is one bad ass vampire. Besides being ungodly attractive, the vampire is extremely cool. He was born a viking. A VIKING. And he has a cool accent. And he is a shrewd businessman. And he's a good person...well kind of. But he fits the definition of vampire. Confined by sunlight, silver and stakes but freed by immortality and strength. Good but bad he is constantly being selfless but only to get him what he wants. Ugly yet beautiful, he'll eat a man but do so with perfect hair and blemish-free skin. A vampire is a balance between life and death...so the vampire themself must be balanced. Eric meets this requirement perfectly.

 Then there's Edward from Twilight. Yeah he's pretty, but where's the ugly? He doesn't kill anything but deer and bears; where are his flaws? Yeah he's immortal but where's the confinement? He can't be killed by sunlight, and from what I can tell silver and stakes have no affect on him. He has no off button, no "yeah he can do all of this but....." What is stopping him from taking over the world? "He sensitive and thinks he's a monster...oh that's right." But where's he's evil? Where the dichotomy? Where's the fun? The answer is: there is no fun. Edward is a whiny bitch. He is no fun. Tormented and restrained he's nothing more than a immortal Heathcliff without the benefit of dying from a broken heart. He's not a vampire, just some bitchy teenager who won't ever really grow up.

Tons of Twilight-y wannabe media has sprung up since Meyer's success. All I can really say is how little her book has done for the genre. It totally sucks (pun intended) the fun out what makes a vampire fun. It is supposed to be a dirty pleasure, not a dumbed down sexually frustrated PG-13 movie.

VAMPIRES ARE RATED R!

Crossed Family Values #2

The point of Crossed is to freak you out, which it does with with staggering mastery. But with the sugar comes the medicine.

Because the real monsters in this comic, as it is with all true horror films, comics, books and other media in this genre are not the monsters themselves but the regular people.

David Lapham has a true command of this genre. The slick horror of each page draws the reader in for what eventually becomes the proverbial rug pulled out from beneath one's feet. The real horror is how Lapham builds you up for the fall.

This issue was a real testament to Lapham's skill.  The first issue revealed the horrible reality of our heroine's life before the Crossed infection enters the picture. The second issues greets us some time after. Everything that isn't to do with the Crossed seems to be OK, that is the evil that was not the cause of the infection seems to have abated.

I got drawn in thinking, "Wow. Maybe its stopped. Maybe their only enemy is the Crossed now."

Boy was I wrong. Not only has the depravity remained at a constant at the very least, but it has the potential for exponential increase.

I should have known better.

You go David Lapham. You go all the way.

I think my initial problems concerning the new artist have been put to rest, at least temporarily. I've begun to enjoy his style and appreciate his skill. It makes sense that he was chosen to pair up with Lapham for this series.

Good issue. Can't wait for the next one.

Legion Review

I enjoy angels. I've read Sandman and Lucifer, I cried at Michael (1996) and saw that weird Paul Hogan movie that came out after Crocodile Dundee II (1988). I enjoy bad ass things with wings. And somehow the idea of angels with weapons other than flaming swords while admittedly unorthodox (pun slightly intended) is potentially cool. So when I saw Legion was coming out this year I was intrigued.

The plot has potential: apparently God has lost faith in humanity and has sent his legions of angels to possess weak willed humans to kill humanity's one last hope that is currently growing in the womb of an unwed mother (Adrianne Palicki) in the middle of the Mojave Desert in Nevada. *inhale* Michael (Paul Bettany) the archangel still has faith and cut his wings off and found a bunch of big guns and is helping the really important baby be born despite being told not to by his brother archangel Gabriel (Kevin Durand).

From an action movie stand point this film is entertaining. Lots of guns, scary jump moments (kind of) and some icky scenes involving bugs and blood. The film is also really pretty and obviously had a pretty decent budget. I like the filters that are used to shoot the desert scenes and I think the CGI was completely awesome. A ton better than the angel-stuff in Constantine(2005). The gore presence was small but focused. They use it in the correct places, like when a dude gets his back melted down to the spinal cord (wicked awesome) with angel acid and a possessed lady bites a chunk out of somebody etc. And again, the premise is really promising. I like that the film isn't just another "Satan versus God" shtick. It really does put a new-er spin on things and adds a breath of fresh air to the newly re-popularized end-of-the-world movie fascination in the US.

However, my problem with this film is how little time it spent on the angels. I mean their costumes in the film are totally cool and the CGI wings (bullet proof and really sharp apparently) are totally bad ass. But they spend a ton of time on the people in the film and not nearly enough on humanity through God's and the angels' eyes. They dwell on it vaguely through the eyes of a jerk cop (who then proceeds to fake-shoot a bunch of homeless people) but don't really give us God's story on why all the sudden humanity isn't worth it. What was the breaking point? What was the last straw? How do all the other angels feel about this? Can we meet some of them? Show us the beginning of time where Michael begins to love humanity. Show us more Gabriel/Michael arguments. More than just gun fights etc. Throughout the whole film I feel like I'm party to a story that happened just before I walked into the room. It's rather distracting and is borderline confusing.  I love back story in films and wish there was more to this one.

Then there is the ending. I guess that Hollywood has run out of endings for movies involving the apocalypse. Terminator (1984) anyone?  I mean come on! The film ends with a woman with a baby in the front seat of a car driving in the desert. She's even wearing a bandanna!

 That on top of the fact that the girl spends about 80% of the film arguing with a guy who 1) comes from a different plane (Kyle Reese was from the future, Michael from Heaven) she wields several guns none of which she could have just instantaneously learned how to use 3) fights a giant dude who can't be killed with weapons like a M16. I mean Gabriel is so obviously Arnold's character from Terminator (right down to Gabriel's weird Heaven-ese accent) that Legion's director Scott Charles Stewart should be paying James Cameron royalties. *sigh*

In the end I'm really glad I didn't see this movie in theaters because I would have felt like I'd spent WAAAY too much money. But it is a definite rent or watch on demand, I wouldn't buy it on DVD or Blue-Ray. The film is certainly entertaining but is bland and unoriginal enough to prevent my clearing a space on the shelf for it.

Tactical Tuesday #2

Welcome to Tactical Tuesday!!!

Today's topic deals with weaponry and I have decided to discuss an advantageous tool for zombie/post-Apocalypse utility.

Ladies and Gentlemen the Halligan tool!!!

The Halligan tool was created by a fireman in the 1940's. Over the years several different versions have arrived on the market (notice the different ones depicted in the diagrams below).

So what exactly makes the Halligan an effective Zombie management device?

1. The tool is one piece of welded metal (often titanium or carbon steel) meaning that breakage (the number one downside of weapons like traditional axes, baseball bats, pieces of lumber etc) is unlikely. The material choice also means the likelihood of rust is small. The tool is also light and easily portable. Also, since it is a melee weapon, it does not require reloading, which brings with it issues like specialized ammo etc. And unlike a big sword like a Japanese katana (a popular choice with amateur zombie enthusiasts) it doesn't require the maintence a long-bladed weapon does like oiling, sharpening, honing etc.

2. Another benefit of the tool is its variety of features. The pick on the side (meant to be used for breaking open door locks and padlocks) is perfect for cerebral damage! The crowbar on one end is good for cranial blows but has the added benefit of a useful tool with which to scavenge. The Sledge end is also useful for opening cans of food, hammering tent spikes into the ground and of course annihilating undead gray matter.

3. I reiterate: Portability. A weapon that is a pain in the butt to carry around does very little for the person carrying it. This is amplified if the weapon actually hinders survival (carrying a chainsaw around would really suck if you found yourself in a body of water and its weight was causing you to sink). This tool is extremely light, only a few pounds if that but is still strong and very capable of being useful.

4. Remember that an empty hand is a hand with which you can defend yourself. If you can efficiently combine a tool and weapon in a way that's portable you will be much better off. The halligan tool is an excellent example. Efficiency=longevity.

5. Firefighters normally have this weapon/tool on their fire trucks, so if and when the time comes, have a care to poke around on the nearest fire truck (unless you want to buy one and be all boy-scouty before the fact, in which case the following website will more than happily charge you around 200$ for some of the higher quality models:  http://www.thefirestore.com/store/category.cfm/cid_2058_pro_bars/?gclid=CP7DsPDZnqICFRUhnAodrzcixQ

Remember, this is just a suggestion. When in an actual Zombie Apocalypse don't shun a weapon in order to hold out for an "ideal" weapon you may or may not find later. If you really are interested it would be best to seek out this weapon before the fact, so you can be prepared. Preparation=longevity.

Trueblood Episode 2 Season 3

OMGOMGOMGOMG!
Ok. I'll take a deep breath.

Ok. So Trueblood season 3 is shaping up to be totally awesome. Squeezed into 50 minutes of complete awesome, this episode delivered majorly.

Nazi Vampires, Nazi Werewolves, awesome James Frain hitting on Tara. O.M.G. And of course now I have to wait for another episode. I'm curious as to whether or not something's going to come out about Bill's past that's going to make him look bad.  I thoroughly enjoyed Frain in The Tudors and in The Count of Monte Cristo(2002). Plus he gets to use his real accent in this show ( I notice things like that...shut up).

Plus there is this extremely creepy King of Louisiana (seated ->)with his equally creepy boytoy Talbot (hand on shoulder ->). Gay vampires are beginning to be a theme (a facet created and nurtured by Anne Rice---thank you Lestat and Louis). They've managed to keep Bill hostage, which of course he's whining about (I'm an Eric fan, Bill reminds me a lot of Edward from Twilight. Eric however is awesome but I digress).

I'm am deliciously annoyed at the cliffhangers each show brings. It makes me want to wait until the whole show is over so I can watch them back to back on demand....but I also am so impatient I know if i attempted that I'd just give in and watch each new episode on Sunday. GAH.

Oh Sunday. Why are you 6 days away!?

The Rising by Brian Keene

Books are my preferred medium for zombies mostly because it keeps zombies where they can do the most damage----YOUR BRAIN. So when I found Brian Keene in an issue of Previews (he's coming out with a zombie comic book, which I will probably review in a few months wink wink) I was drawn to read his first zombie novel The Rising.

There are good things and bad things about this novel. We'll start with the good.

Firstly, Brian Keene is extremely good at being creepy. The whole novel is littered with eloquently eerie descriptions of gore, decaying musculature and the visceral rending of human flesh. This coupled with some horrendously evil human bad-guys whose list of misdeeds includes feeding an offending body part through a hole in the wall of an enclosure filled with hungry ghouls.
Like all really good zombie media the real draw is the living not the living dead; Brian Keene obviously understands this theme and uses it to its advantage. You find yourself rooting for the zombies in order to teach the depraved villains a lesson.  From the gory aspect, Keene's book has all the required elements

Secondly I really enjoyed his writing style. You come to feel like you know these characters and all of them are three-dimensional and very different from one another. A lot of times in horror literature (especially literature without the benefit of pictures like comic books have) the characters are the same basic frame with a different name. Not so in this novel, each character is very different, dialogue and behavior defining each person totally. The writing style also made the book an easy read without making it boring.

Now for the things I didn't like.
The Zombies. GAH! Why is it when someone comes along who is obviously a zombie fan they have to make some huge change! The Zombies in this novel THINK. They are capable of STRATEGY. Capable of using TOOLS!  It totally ruins it for me. While that in itself makes the zombies all the more frightening, it simply diminishes to zombie-ness. It makes the novel about something else. Zombies are mindless eating machines. Not evil undead masochists. Not only are the ghouls capable of speech, that have an odd black humor that is in itself horrifying, because often times the ghoul is a dead family member of the person they're speaking to and are using their relationship with the living to torment (undead fetus...enough said). But I reiterate...they aren't zombies, at least not to me.

Beyond that distinction, animals are also capable of becoming Zombies. Bunnies, gophers, lions, birds, monkeys, mice, dogs and cats. All zombies, all capable of speech (kind of) and of strategizing with the human zombies in order to coordinate attacks with the human population. Granted this is fantasy but that just seems extremely for lack of a better term "out there".

Another thing I dislike is IT JUST ENDS. The book ends at an extremely climatic scene which in itself may not be a bad thing (especially since I don't have to wait for the next book to be released, all I have to do is go buy it. I can't imagine what this must have been like 4 years ago when the book was released initially). And while it is a common thread in Zombie media to let the film, book, comic etc just end leaving the audience hungering (pun intended) over what happened to their heroes, I HATE IT WHEN BOOKS DON'T HAVE CLOSURE.  To me its just lazy and it irritates me.

Taking that all into account this was a interesting read and a good horror novel that completely creeped me out....in a good way. Judging from this book Brian Keene has a talent for the creepy and an affluent desire to create a wholly new zombie style. I will read his other books with fervor and enjoy them immensely.

The Art Form That is The Vampire Film

I pride myself on being quite the vampire enthusiast. As Armand says in Interview with the Vampire:"If there were a leader....I would be the one." So over today I have decided to compile a list of good, great and horrible vampire movies to better facilitate movie enjoyment. They are below. They are not listed in any particular order beyond the heading they are beneath.

 Goriest Vampire Movies

1. 
   
   John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998)
2. 
   
   From Dusk ‘Til Dawn (1996)
3. 
   
   Fright Night (1985)
4. 
   
   30 Days of Night (2007)
5. 
   
   Goliath and the Vampires (1961)----------->

Cheesiest Vampire Movies

1. 
   
   The Forsaken (2001)
2. 
   
   Vamp (1989)
3. 
   
   Love at First Bite (1979)

    Funniest Vampire Movies

1. 
   
   Vampire’s Kiss (1989)
2. 
   
   Dracula, Dead and Loving it (1995)
3. 
   
   Dance of the Vampires (1967)
4. 
   
   Blood and Donuts (1995)
5. 
   
   Blood for Dracula (1974) 
6. 
   
   Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Best Animated Vampire Movies

1. 
   
   Biohunter (1995)
2. 
   
   Blood: The Last Vampire (2000) 
3. 
   
   Vampire Hunter D (1985)

Most Ridiculous Vampire Movies

1. 
   
   Twilight 
2. 
   
   Dracula 2000 (2000)
3. 
   
   Vampires in Brooklyn (1995)

Cult Classics

1. 
   
   Blacula (1972)
2. 
   
   The Lost Boys (1987) 
3. 
   
   Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
4. 
   
   Near Dark (1987) ---------------------->
5. 
   
   Horror of Dracula (1958)

Sexiest Vampire Movies

1. Vampyros Lesbos (1970)
2. The Vampire Lovers (1970)
3. The Hunger (1983)
4. Rabid (1977)

Creepiest Vampire Movies 

1. 
   
   Frostbitten (2006)
2. 
   
   Let the Right One In (2008)
3. 
   
   Salem’s Lot (1979)

< Frostbitten

Best All-Around Vampire Movies

1. Interview With the Vampire (1994)
2. Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
3. Night Stalker (1972)
4. Blade (1998) 
5. Night Watch (2004)

Best Vampire Classics 

1. Dracula (1931)
2. Nosferatu (1922)
3. The Return of the Vampire (1944)
4. The Last Man on Earth (1964)   

Worst Vampire Movie Based on Book or Video Games

1. 
   
   Queen of the Damned (2002)
2. 
   
   BloodRayne(2005)---------------------->
3. 
   
   Van Helsing (2004)

Movies I like But Just Can't Place

1. 
   
   Perfect Creature(2006)
2. 
   
   Martin (1977)
3. 
   
   The Addiction (1995)
4. 
   
   Nadja (1994) 
5. 
   
   Cronos (1994)

Tactical Tuesday #1

It's Tactical Tuesday!!!

Today's topic is the proper selection of a home base in the case of a zombie apocalypse. The selection of a protectable shelter is of grave importance. The place one choses to weather the storm of the undead can often times be the deciding factor in whether or not one lives or dies.

One of the most useful places at the onset of an apocalypse (zombie or otherwise) is the library. As the world comes crashing down around our ears the only really useful tool any person can have is knowledge. A library full of books (all of which do not require food, water or batteries) is irreplaceable in its utility.

A well-informed and well-prepared person (such as yourself) will recognize the beginnings of the zombie apocalypse. As the ensuing riots, mobs etc begin to make normal life obsolete, it will be time to prepare. After the noise dies down and the government inevitably disintegrates it will be up to each and every person to take care of themselves. Eventually supplies will run out and most likely it will be necessary to secure safe shelter.

Safe Shelter Checklist:

1. Preferably TWO easily manageable and easily defensible ways out
2. Visibility without compromising safety
3. Lebensraum: living space and resources
4. No Zombies--Of course!

The Public Library has great potential in this regard. I used our local one as a model. Scope out yours for comparison.

1. Preferably two easily manageable and easily defensible ways out  

The top story (containing the reference section, a good post-apocalypse resource) is only accessible by a single set of easily destroyed stairs (destroyed the minute you decide to build your shelter here! Ghouls can flop up stairs--not well or fast but they still can), a single elevator (if the power is still on, a simple fuse will disable the elevator, but most likely it will not be needed) and a fire escape that leads outside the building.

2.Visibility without compromising safety.

The top floor overlooks the bottom with perfect visuals on the front door. There are several picture windows to the southwest side (lets in lots of light, since inevitably the electricity will go out) which allows visibility across a vast lawn on two sides. The fire escape is lowered with a chain (easily pulled up and dropped down by one person) allowing ease of access when scavenging for supplies or escape if the shelter is compromised.

3. Lebensraum: Living space and resources

The placement of the building in town contributes to the ease of supply access--The library in my town is near to two grocery stores, two pawn shops (often neglected when guns are acquired in the event of national disaster), a camping store (slim pickings probably but worth a shot), a few clothing stores and two mechanics shops (small amounts of flammable liquids and tools are kept here, ergo their mention).  The nearness of facilities where useful tactical supplies can be procured is essential to the success of any home base shelter. Beyond physical safety, a shelter is only as good as its siege capabilities. It may work great while your supplies last, but when you're stuck and have to either make a run for supplies the nearer they are the better. If the places you need to search are too far from home base (especially if you've got infirm or children with you) you're screwed.

All of these facilities are well within 15 minutes walking distance (granted that is a pre-dead rising estimation).

**Another useful feature of public libraries is most often they have large parking lots. These lots will most likely be empty in the case of an apocalpyse (people don't often go to library when they think they're going to die...well most people...I would probably go to the library). These are most useful in the case of burning bodies, since they are on inflammable asphalt and often are at least a few dozen yards away from the main building, thus there is little chance of setting fire to your shelter.  They also mean a more open layout to see the undead from several directions without having buildings obstructing your view.

4. No Zombies of course!!!
Because Libraries don't tend to have a great deal of people on staff--20 or so if that--there shouldn't be an overabundance of zombies on the premesis. A simple sweep of the area will make it secure.

Granted not all shelters are created equal. This schematic is meant to provide you with the basics so when you pick a shelter, you know what to look for and what to avoid.

Good luck my friends!

TrueBlood Season 3 Episode 1

Vampires = awesome. I enjoy vampires; ever since I stayed up late one night when my family first got HBO and watched Interview with a Vampire when I was ten I have loved vampires ( Do not be confused. Those sparkly beings Stephanie Meyer has conjured in Twilight are not vampires. Those are sacrilegious teenagers who don't die).  I also didn't know why I enjoyed them so much until I became a grown up. But we won't go there.

Trueblood has made real vampires main-stream, cool, sexy and addictive. And I waited a whole year for season 3 because I just KNEW this show was going to be bad ass.

And boy did that first episode deliver. I love how it doesn't even take any time between the last episode of Season 2 to the first episode of Season 3! There are so many different plot lines going on. No Spoilers but let's just say everyone is in shit right now. Left and right!

What I really love about Alan Ball's direction of this series is how he uses what we know about the shows' characters to draw us in and then how he uses what we DON'T KNOW to surprise the crap out of us!

We do get to see Eric's hiney in the first episode, along with some good ol' fashion vampire violence. I really like how the costume director does the vampire fangs; they're more "realistic" if vampire fangs can be realistic. I never really thought the Underworld, From Dusk til Dawn, and Queen of the Damned fangs were that good. They just seemed silly and rather useless. They were also ugly. These are quite neat and pretty to look at (I'm sure all the wealthier goth kids are out there getting veneers made just like them as we speak).

The blood is the best part. They really went all out. I'm sure the prop master buys the stuff in bulk (man I'd like to work for that wholesale store). I've heard that the stuff on set is made to taste like raspberry, which is really cool to imagine that when Bill bites Sookie she tastes like raspberry. *snicker*

The show does a lot to make the vampire a grown-up medium (hopefully erasing what Twilight and ''Vampire Diaries'' have down to the genre).  But in the end, the whole story isn't just about vampires--a fact that makes the show as engrossing as it is. If it were just about the vampires the favorite characters would either all be vampires or all be humans (Buffy anyone?). The show is about people--both living and undead and the bullshit situations they get themselves into. Covered in blood!!!

Awesome. Can't wait until the next episode. YAAY!

The Walking Dead AMC TV Series

If you are like any of the men in my life, Zombies are not a hobby (notice the capital 'Z') they are a lifestyle. As a recent enthusiast (I know who Bub is. I am in) of Zombie culture, I have come to appreciate the social statements made by the films, comics, literature, music, games and art associated with the subject of the living dead.
The funniest thing is about myself and Zombies (or Zack as they're referred to in my house, thanks Max Brooks) is they scare the crap out of me. It is really quite sad especially considering how much Zombie knowledge I have retained via osmosis. But the real problem with the Living Dead as they're quiet literary a walking contradiction. They shouldn't be moving, but are. They shouldn't (as human beings...kinda) want to eat me until I die, but they do. So its a little unsettling.

But like the desire to run my tongue over an owie in my mouth, its a pleasure pain I can't help but maintain.

So when I heard that the Huckleberry Finn of Zombie comics was being made into a television series, my interest was piqued, to say the least.
Reasons why one should totally be pumped about the Walking Dead Series:
1. It's directed by Frank Darabont of Shawshank Redemption and Green Mile fame (he's also a close personal friend of Stephen King....the creepy scale is going up). He is also a complete zombie fanatic.

In a recent interview on comicbookmovie.com the director shares his love for the undead: "I've always wanted to do my take on the zombie mythos, since I was a kid and I saw Romero's Night of the Living Dead - the 1968 black and white version. For our zombie show I'm calling that the Book of Genesis, and whenever there's a question about zombie behavior I go back to Night of the Living Dead."

2. I know its on basic cable. The potential for lame is great because there an obviously not be an obscene level of gore that most Zombie films provide. BUT...........!


I MEAN COME ON!



I think there is a lot of potential here. I mean there are violent shows like Break Bad on this channel so maybe this show will be reasonable violent and make up for it with really creepy!

3. I always approve of comics and books that are adapted into television shows more than I approve of those turned into films because it allows for a lot more breathing room. Look at TrueBlood. That show has become legendary and is really awesome. Look at The Spirit. Turned into a movie by Frank Miller no less and it was the biggest, prettiest and most expensive turd I've seen in a long time.  I like that they're making this into a show because if it sucks....all they have to do is get a new director for the next episode and BAM! it may suck less.

4. The Walking Dead Blog has giving me great hope. They have. A. Zombie. School. How completely badass is that? They do Zombie exercises and obstacle courses. Do they have diplomas? Or gym class? Zombie Math? I am stoked. This is going to be epic.

All in all I am pumped. Pumped to the extreme.

Chew #11

When I first picked up Chew, I knew I'd like it.
I mean come on. The guy solves crime by eating the grossest things you can think of....like corpses. Awesome.

So issue #11 was extremely amusing. The end (which I wont relate in detail but lets just say 'just desserts's is an appropriate arc title) is especially 'aw yeah' inducing. Makes you want to give someone a high five.

But I digress.

#11 begins a new arc starting with Chu hot on the case of a murdered politician's son. The delicious (a matter of opinion, since he eats an unsavory....dish) evidence leads towads the beautiful Amelia Mintz and an exotic animal eatery (Chu eats a dead endangered marmet...yummy).

What I like best about Chew is the art. I don't think the story would work nearly as well without the artwork done by Rob Guillory. The happy, bubbly cartoonish figures are doing the grossest and most disgusting things. There's a scene of a dead guy with a rodent shoved down his throat with a pitchfork stuffed in his chest. The potential for someone being put off (ok maybe i'm desensatized but i'm not put off) is so huge but is prevented because of how slightly silly (in an awesome comic book way not a sad Dagwood way) Chu and Colby (whose cyborg face is totally awesome btw) standing there gaping at the dead guy with a rat in his mouth and you KNOW Chu is going to take a honkin' bite out of the rat-thing and its just gross enough to be silly and wince-inducing but not like "omg I'm never reading this again."

I thoroughly enjoy Chew. The entire comic is refreshing morbid and sneakily funny (like watching Chu trying to hit on Amelia Mintz).

Read it. You will love it.
 
Unless you're lame. Then you won't.

Crossed: Family Values #1

Let me tell you something about Brits and their apocalypic fascination. For some reason people from the British Isles love to discuss the end of the world. Whether it is Alan Moore (Watchmen), Alex Garland (28 Days Later), Neil Marshall (Doomsday), Terry Hayes (Mad Max 2, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome), and Garth Ennis (Crossed), British people love to talk about the end of the world.

So when I picked up the first Crossed issue after seeing an ad for it in Avatar back in 2008, I knew I was in for an end of the world shtick.

I was not, however, prepared for what Garth Ennis had in store for me. The man must have seen something extremely traumatizing as a child....the dude obviously has issues.  The depravity became addictive and the story told through the horror was engrossing.

Granted, the Zombie angle has been gone over and over, especially in the past few years as the Zombie Renaissance has emerged. "Zombies that are still alive" has been done with 28 Days Later, so its not a totally new angle, but Ennis does a good job keeping you turning the page with a wince, expecting a new level of gross that you just can't help but gawk at.

So now the torch has passed to Eisner-award winning David Lapham.

First things first:
Don't worry, the creepy horrible-ness has not been lost in the author transfer.  Lapham is a gifted story teller and the level of depravity has not lessened with his hands at the wheel.

What I like about the book is that it is really a study on different levels of horror. Lapham makes you chose whom to hate more, those not infected with the Crossed Plague and those who are infected. Lapham draws you in and I think Avatar did a great job picking him.

What I find somewhat troublesome is the switch between artists. I thoroughly enjoyed Jacen Burrows approach to the extremely gory scenes (the horse penis and the legless and armless guy being prime examples of his skill in horror). I am not sure if I like Javier Barreno as much as Burrows. His drawings seem more flat and less detailed (yes, I looked for detail in my gore. so do you, shut up).  I will however give him the benefit of the doubt.


All in all its a good book and a definate must-read for the gore-enthusiast.
I await the next issue eagerly.